I have a 10 month old bubba girl who is my entire universe.
The 3 times my husband has looked after her for 2-4hrs each time has ended in him losing his mind, swearing, abusing me about her not settling with him and basically blaming her for being upset.
The last time resulted in me being told if i needed to do anything without the baby i am to organise a babysitter as he refuses to look after her ever again on his own.
I then organised his Mum, my mum or my sisters to help me.
This was only when i went to the gym once a week for 45-55mins (incl travel) and a social club once per month fpr 2-4hrs once a month (which i was attending long before i was pregnant)
The last social event i went to i had his mum looking after her at our home with him there also.
He threw the biggest tantrum about me going and basically told his mother that i should be home with the baby not out at the event.
He told her he thinks im cheating...
Just to put this statement into perspective this man hasn't touched me or made any effort to be intimate with me since conceiving our daughter.
It made me so mad. If youre concerned about this then why would he not make an effort with me??? Je hasnt said this to my face and i have tried eveything I can think of to get him interested but nothing has worked...
I dont really know what im asking...
I think i just need to know am i normal for being angry, hurt and resentful? I guess?
11 Replies
Your husband is being a jerk! Now there may be several reasons for him struggling when he is alone with baby- post natal depression, trouble bonding with bub, bubby experiencing separation anxiety, or just plain he is nervous to be alone with her (it doesn't come naturally to everyone) to name a few BUT that doesn't mean he should get away with being an arsehole. He created this tiny human with you and it is his job to care for her just as much as it is yours. I am assuming that you didn't have a conversation regarding parenting and what expectations you both had before you had bub so it's time to have it now! If there is bonding issues or separation anxiety issues or if he is just struggling to just know what to do when you aren't there then you may have to go back to basics and give him more guidance and direction. You are more than within your right to have some time to yourself and so is he plus some time alone together wouldn't go astray. Time for you both the get on the same page otherwise you're in for a tough time and the person who will suffer the most will be your daughter!
We had the conversation around expectations prior to the baby arriving. But she came and he has done nothing promised.
We have been in counselling but nothing seems to have changed.
He says all the right things but actions show no change.
I’d be saying he needs to go to counselling regarding the lack of intimacy with you and his inability to look after his own child and let you have some time alone. If nothing changes in 3mths you should split up. Best for your daughter to do it while she is young. If he thinks you are cheating then it’s highly likely he actually is so don’t waste your life trying to fix something if he’s not going to change.
If you weren’t angry, hurt and upset I would be worried about you. This is not okay. It’s not okay he can’t look after his child on his own.
This doesn’t sound like a long term relationship that can survive. Apparently you aren’t allowed to have a life away from his child.
This isn’t a relationship I’d be adding more kids too, and I’d be quietly making plans to leave.
He sounds like he is stuck in the 1940s!
Just to add, there are some good ideas in the above post, and I hope he comes to the table and is prepared to work on it. If in 12 months that stuff hasn’t improved I’d be out of there!
I am putting safe guards in place to leave if it stays the same.
The cheating accusation is a big red flag for other issues.
He's written the book on what your life looks like for the next 18+ years.
He says all the right things to get his way and then does none of them.
You've tried counselling to open up the lines of communication and he's put no effort in.
He's controlling and sees you as property to raise his children because he doesn't want to, but not as a person in your own right.
The time I'd be giving for this to turn around would be short. There's a difference between trying and flogging a dead horse.
I seeing red flags here, sorry to say. He sounds very dominating. I'd keep a diary of all the things he says as it's emotional bullying and present it at counselling.
He sounds like a jealous controlling husband. Stuff that.! Your daughter is his responsibility too. You need to do more things just to show him you won’t put up with it. What a loser!
Babe, you have more to give than what he is offering.
Might be time for a serious conversation. He isn’t ‘looking’ after your child... he is parenting. You’re allowed a life outside being a mother. You don’t deserve to feel like this..
I would sit down and suggest counciling and if that’s a no go for him I would suggest leaving and hopefully he wakes up to himself and realised what he is loosing.
In saying that, if you leave be prepared to do it alone (which you can, you are now anyway). I doubt he will step up to the plate and you sound like an amazing mother. You don’t need him bringing you down.