Hey fellow imperfect mums! I’ll try and cut a long story short, here goes.
I’ve just found out (yesterday morning) that my husband of 16 years has been a frequent client of 4 (that he’s admitted to) prostitutes. This has been going on for 5 years at least once a month (again, that he’s admitted to). The only reason he admitted it is because I accidentally found proof (he tried to deny it start with, but soon admitted to it once presented with evidence).
It has kind of come out of the blue, though I’ve always known he has issues, He’s always been a very loving and devoted husband and father, though he has always shown signs of having a sex addiction (is also a borderline alcoholic) which has caused strain in the marriage, but even with these issues I never ever thought he would go this far. I guess I thought he had a conscience. We have three children together and I just don’t know how I’m going to cope financially or emotionally or even physically at this point. To say I’m heartbroken is an understatement. To make matters worse, my mother had the children for a little while after I found out because I didn’t want them to see me as upset as I was. While they were with my Mum, I sent a text message to her, saying that i had found out it was multiple women over multiple years and my daughter (who had been playing on her phone at the time) read it, and now my two eldest children (12 and 10) know that their dad has been with other women and we’re separating because of it. I feel awful that they found out like this, I feel awful that they found out about the infidelity at all. I don’t know how to help them or stop them from hurting, when I’m struggling to help myself. Sorry for the novel, any advice would be appreciated.
Separation advice
Separation advice
Posted in:
Relationships & Marriage
13 Replies
As an escort worker myself, I always hope the clients I see are not married or in relationships. However It's not my business to ask. . I'm just hired and have no attachments to them. They too have no attachments to me . It's just a business transaction and we never see each other outside professional work. I hate to see that partners suffer from their husbands rendezvous, but as workers, we don't know your personal situation. And you can betcha it's just sex for him too as the payee . No relationships are ever formed. So is it cheating? To a degree, yes. But there is no love, no feelings , no commitment, no nothing. I take the money , do the job, then go. He loves you. hes just one of those blokes that thinks a quick secret paid fuck is not cheating. They all think this . And is it? It depends on the person/s involved how they see it . He probably feels as dirty as you see it. Most men hate admitting to hiring a sex worker. Because they too know it's nothing but business. I'm sorry you are hurting.
Hell yes it’s cheating!!!! It makes no difference if feelings are involved.
To the first commenter under the other comment of the post , WHY YOU YELLING? Why so angry!!!!
Yeah, no...
He let his dick wander outside of his marriage, that's not cheating "to a degree". It's just cheating!
Thinking of it as a business transaction might help you make peace with your career choice and it may help the clientele justify their decision to seek sex outside of their relationships but it's absolutely no consolation to the partners, I daresay it often adds to the hurt. So I really doubt this has made the OP feel better.
I havent been in OPs position so I cant even begin to imagine what she currently feels. We dont know if this comment twisted the knife or helped her process some feelings. But this commenter clearly thought that maybe she could provide some insight from the other side. I dont think theres a need to attack her or her profession just for trying to help.
Maybe if the husband spoke to the OP about it first and it was a decision that they made together then yeah sure this may fly but he’s been deceitful done it all behind her back so no, it absolutely is cheating.
It's definitely cheating. He was so driven to get off outside of his marriage that he paid for it! That's just awful. I'm so sorry he's betrayed you. It's probably a good thing that the kids found out. Now they know that you aren't breaking up the family for no reason.
It is cheating but I think this poster was trying to point out that there is absolutely no emotional connection at all. It's not even like a one night stand where there would need to be hours of prior flirting and talking and possibly lying before the deed. It's literally just sex. For some people that's easier to absorb rather than an affair that lasts weeks/months/years or even just emotional cheating.
Thank you all for your replies (OP here). I totally understand where you’re coming from regarding the emotionless pure sex. I do see it as cheating, and maybe more importantly, so does he. He has been very guilt ridden and sorry. But his guilt hasn’t stopped him from getting his rocks off more times than I can count with more women than I’ll ever truely know. I guess I just want to know how to stop it from hurting and begin to move on.
No hun, hes not guilty and hes not sorry. He can tell you that all you like. Because if he were he wouldn't be doing it over and over again. If he really see's it as cheating then he's justifying it because having sex with sex workers requires less emotion and less admittance to cheating because 'it's not counted' in their minds. Having sex with a lady they met at a bar or a party etc is far more guilt ridden for them and far more likely to be seen as cheating in their own minds because they have already struck up an attraction and the chase before the sex even eventuates. Which in turn holds a higher risk of unprotected sex , leading to all kinds of other issues.
I'm sorry he is such a disgusting pig. I am glad you can see how much more you deserve and are leaving him.
It will get easier in time, but you need to let yourself feel all the emotions. I've recently gone through something traumatic (different circumstance) but I felt terribly guilty about it affecting my kids but I have learned that it's teaching your kids valuable lessons. Don't deprive them of seeing you hurt, show them how to feel these big intense feelings because one day they will go through similar things or feeling intense feelings and they'll have seen healthy coping mechanisms. The way they found out isn't ideal but they are old enough not to be sheltered from this, to know in the age appropriate way and to help you through this.
It is cheating, he knew what he was doing. Having been through a marraige breakup and having my heart seriously broken, I feel for you. It was devastating! It does get easier with time is all I can say. I didn't know how I would make it through, I was thankful for my kids that I had to be strong for. You have family too, which is an added bonus! You can do it, just take a day at a time. Your allowed to be sad too!
First thing I would address is your daughters. Acknowledge that yes what their dad did was wrong, however he still loves them very much and that will never change. Just be open with them and say sorry they had to see that, you were trying to protect them from hearing that. Tell them exactly what you have said, that their dad is a wonderful man, and a terrific dad and what is happening between you and him is just that between you two and it will stay that way.
Next I would get some help to move forward, both within yourself and to move forward as coparents so things can seem amicable to the kids, even if they are not.
Good luck mumma.