Bit of a tricky one. I’ve got a husband, children, perfect life. Solid marriage. I am beyond happy. Great sex life the works. I’ve never cheated or even looked the other way to be honest. I am not asking permission to cheat either. I am confused as hell because I never thought I would be in this situation before. I am not jealous and neither is my husband. Another man has come into my life, we’ve become great friends, my husband is aware, but we just click, and more then sexually, he’s really got a piece of my heart. It’s reciprocated. I know fantasies are normal but I am certain it’s more then that. can a open marriage work, how do you even approach the topic. I don’t want to hurt my husband. I have a feeling this isn’t just going to go away.
24 Replies
I don't think it works that way hun.
You can't have the whole cake and eat it too.
You decide, the husband or this random man.
I mean, you could ask your husband. But chances are, it will be hurtful for him to know you have feelings for someone else and have seriously considered a relationship with another man. Open relationships aren't common. And most open relationships begin that way from the get-go so that clear boundries are established in the beginning.
I imagine it would be extremely hard to navigate an open relationship now.
You can have one, or the other or neither.
Someone ALWAYS gets there heart broken in these situations. Open marriages rarely work and usually if people say it’s working it’s because they are in denial.
There is always jealousy, heart break and confusion.
Open marriages still have boundaries and rules. It sounds like you’ve already crossed the boundaries and rules of your current marriage. How is your husband going to trust that you won’t cross any new boundaries? True open marriages are discussed at the start of the relationship, they aren’t something you throw on your partner mid way through when you start to stray.
You’ve got a great life, that you’ve created, you sound like an amazing woman.
Here’s the thing, some things cant be unsaid and this is one of those things that could fracture your connection forever.
The fact its not just physical but he has a piece of your heart, is actually even worse, it’s not an adventurous sex exploit, but something more.
Not being jealous, I can’t speak for your husband, but it usually means unconditional trust and respect for your spouse. Unwavering loyalty on both parts and an indication of a wonderful relationship.
Not being jealous doesn’t usually mean, I’m okay with my spouse connecting with another man and carrying out a relationship on the side.
You know your husband, I could very well be wrong.
I would advise stop all contact with this man, you’ve already crossed the line and continue to put all your love and energy into your husband. Don’t ruin something for a little chemical reaction, a little spark, a little temptation, there may well be more of these throughout your life, but always put your relationship first, don’t invest more than you are willing to lose.
I often think the only way to test true loyalty and unconditional love isn’t when things are good, but when temptation is there.
Good luck and Merry Christmas.
You need to choose. Happy life or bitter divorce, kids 50% of the time, financial set backs but you get this man.
Or she may not get the man, if he is the type to prey on married women, he might lose interest when she wants to take it to the next level and is single.
You know what these predators are like, the thrill of the chase, the forbidden fruit.
You have to choose. Imagine if that was your husband, coming to you, asking for an open marriage. Honesty, how would you feel if he was fcking someone else? It's not as simple at "Hey hun, I'm popping over to John's for a root".
You have to decide - your family or this new guy. You have to decide if you are willing to have your kids 50/50 (also, depending on age, they might be a fair bit of animosity and resentment from them), dividing your assets, finding a place to live, rebuilding your life from scratch.
I would suggest some counseling ASAP to help you make the decision.
No it won't work. You have a great life with a great husband, why would you throw that away!
Here is the deal, very few long term relationships don’t come across outside influences. It’s a decision every single day to not cheat, not get involved with someone else and not allow a friendship to cross the line.
You’ve already crossed the line. The right thing to do would have been to distance yourself from this friend if you thought it was going too far.
I’m not personally in one but I know people that are and it works for them. Certainly difficult to wrap your head around. Relationships come in all different shapes and sizes. I urge you to continue your great relationship with your husband by being open and honest with him. Be mature and ready to give him time to process it.
You should start by being honest with yourself. You ARE asking to cheat.
She already is.
Suggesting an open relationship this far into a marriage just because you have a crush and want to act on it is really wrong. If my husband suggested it he would be gone. Open relationships are only going to work if it's open from the beginning and not with others already lined up waiting their turn.
I'll repeat what I said on a similar post recently, open relationships rarely work long-term. If they do it's because two people with like minded values and desires enter into this kind of arrangement from the get go. Making these kind of suggestions in an already established, traditionally monogamous marriage is bound to stir up an emotional response and that's really hard to come back from.
I know a couple currently trialling this as a band aid fix for their marriage, they're kidding themselves that it's working - from the outside, we can all see that it's nothing more than a giant cluster fuck that's confusing the hell out of their kids.
I commented earlier, but something I want to add.
You said “I have a feeling this isn’t just going to go away”.
Well you know what, if you stop feeding it, it will go away.
This comment indicates you feel you have no control over this situation, but you are the driver, not the passenger and you have all the control in the world.
You have the power to end this, you choose not to.
You aren’t a victim of circumstance, you should have shut this down immediately, before it got to this point.
Your future is in your hands lovely, choose wisely.
An open marriage is Where the both of you enjoy sleeping with other people with no feelings involved, not when you meet someone you fall for and don't want to feel guilty over it or destroy your family dynamic.
You just don't want to be labelled a cheater and have all basis covered so you can have a relationship with this man while still having your family and the rwality of a family (being a mum, being a wife) to come home to, thats not an open relationship.
Have a chat with your husband. See how he feels if it is a solid no then no it’s not ok. If he seems ok with it then go for it. Polygamy isn’t anything new. Good luck. I hope you can find something that works for youb
But that’s the thing, it wouldn’t just be a no, like can we get a new car honey.
It’s telling your spouse that you are attracted to another man, that they have a piece of your heart and that you have emotionally betrayed them.
It’s not so black and white, unless her husband is a robot.
Some things can never be unsaid.
This conversation could be the beginning of the end, he may never look at his wife the same way again, I know I wouldn’t.
A girlfriend I knew was in this situation, she close the other male - turned out he didn’t choose her and she’s now trying to piece her marriage back together after having an emotional affair.
You’ve already let your boundaries of what’s appropriate slip, don’t let them go further - if you have any respect for your husband or family.
Obviously something is missing for you, is it attention, is it looks, Is it the thrill? You need to speak to a council / psychologist and find out what you might be feeling (sometimes without knowing) then speak to your husband to ensure you can have these needs met in your relationship.
A marriage isn’t going to be smooth sailing all the time - now is the time you show your strength of character, your devotion to your family and your respect to the person you married.
In my opinion you’ve already let it go to far without speaking to your husband and ceasing contact
I would be leaving it personally.
I have a friend who has been in my life triple the time my husband has. I've got feelings for him, hubby knows that - I always will have feelings for him, I've tried not to. I just can't.
I made the decision that I love the way my life is, and I don't want to ruin that. So I haven't seen my friend in 7 years.
The way I see it, the grass is always greener on the other side until you get there. You've got a happy, stable marriage with a family... I'd be leaving it at that, and forgoing your new friendship.
Your in lust. Its like that feeling when you were first flirting with your husband all those years ago before you were an item. That crazy heartbeat, excited to hear from him, you want to just talk all day every day lust. It makes you feel special and wanted and your trying to find a way for it to become more; justify why it should because you just crave all those feelings.
If you jump into this you will be risking hurting your husband and your marriage. How would you feel if it all ends in divorce. Is this guy worth that risk?
Will he stick around in the end or will he dip a toe in and jump back because suddenly that leap comes with kids, and someone's husband, and a whole big drama.
Everything's sweet and fun when its just flirty conversations and lust.
Anymore and it very quickly can become an ugly mess and it will all fall on you.
Make a wise choice. Xx
I know people who are married happily and have a boyfriend. The only difference is, is that there is no sex life in the marriage. The boyfriend is there for the sexual part of the relationship that the marriage doesn’t have. It’s working out for them, but they also don’t have kids involved.
Sometimes people come into our lives and give us butterflies 🦋 but I honestly think in your situation, your loving the attention and the fantasy. Good luck.
I’ve known a few couples to be in this situation and it has not ended well. Looking at it it was the beginning of the end of the relationship, a way for one party to keep what they had and act on an attraction that they felt with someone else. “Rules” were set in these cases but I think you blur the lines anyway when an open relationship is created and it’s easy to bend the rules over and over because you’ve kind set a precedent when you introduced other parties into a marriage.
I have heard of open relationships working but mostly that’s with both people in the marriage having an ideology from the beginning of their relationship and it evolves from there. not a monogamous marriage where one person has thrown a spanner in the works because they want to have their cake and eat it too.
This isn’t what an open marriage is. You want an excuse to cheat in your husband without feeling bad.
Grow up, cut contact with the man who you “have a connection” with and get some respect for your husband
So you’d be happy with your husband fucking some other chick??
I highly doubt it.
Call what you’ve done, for what it is. YOU ARE CHEATING ON YOUR HUSBAND.
What you’ve done is WORSE than just a one night stand. You’ve emotionally connected and love another man, and are in fact, asking permission to cheat!!!