I think this is more of a jumbled rant than anything else. So here goes. A couple of months ago I finally got up the courage to say I want out of our marriage. I use that term loosely as we've really just been existing in the same house for years :( However, I am convinced that my husband has borderline personality disorder and I'm struggling to get anywhere with the process of separating. He's not violent, but he's prone to angry outbursts (often), he has a real lack of empathy (has some, but not much), has no idea about how his actions and words impact people and I am unable to discuss the process of leaving without it turning into a screaming episode. He tells me what I'm thinking and feeling and there is no telling him otherwise. He has a reality in his mind and from his point of view there is no alternative. It doesn't actually matter what the truth is, whatever he's thinking is the truth and that's that. I'm leaving the house in the coming weeks and will be paying rent as well as contributing to the mortgage (until the house is sold) and school fees. It's going to be super tight for a while. The thing is, he keeps telling everyone (sometimes throws it at me too), that I'm ruining him both emotionally and financially, throws out vague threats around the kids and I about suicide, turns things inside out and blames me for everything wrong in his life etc etc. He called me a Martyr the other day, which is really funny considering he's the one running around spreading doom and gloom to anyone that will listen. he's of the opinion that we should stay together and be miserable, that way the kids have a stable home and he can be financially secure. (wonder where my needs come into this). He earns more than me, not a huge amount, but more than me. He also makes some tax free money on the side which can be anywhere from 0 to $500 a week. He's talking about not being able to afford to pay for school fees, which I know (from my own budgeting that he can) Over the years he goes through "stages" of hobbies/toys and then when something doesn't go his way, he quits (after spending copious amounts on said toys). I remember we had an electrical issue that went unfixed for months, as I thought we didn't have the money to get it organised, come home and he's spent $300 on a canoe (which he ended up using about 3 times). I had to point out the electrical cord running through the house in order to get it sorted. We've never had joint accounts and as far as I know he's got no idea how to look after things financially. I guess where I'm really at is, how can I talk to him and get him to see that he will be ok? I've tried to encourage him to see a councillor but the response was "I'll save that until things get really bad, cause they're gonna get a lot worse than this", he's on anti depressants already, but over the years has refused to see a professional about getting his meds right. He's much happier complaining day in and day out than getting any help. I don't know what, if anything I can do. But he needs to get help and he needs to stop threatening to kill himself in front of our kids (I know it's a manipulation as it's his "go to" when he can't get the outcome he wants).
12 Replies
Don’t help him. Just leave it’s not your problem.
I'm trying, but I need practical stuff sorted and I need him to be involved in that, i can't do that on my own :( It's not up to me to make all the decisions about who gets what, when the house goes on the market etc etc. I so want to just be able to walk away and let it go, but I need the house sorted and up for sale so that I can start my own story.
I had an MIA spouse at that point, I did it all myself.
Hired a real estate agent.
Got a maintenance guy to do the jobs I couldn’t.
Scrubbed that house from head to toe, bought some cheap pieces to make it look good (we were pretty broke, just some mats, candles, lamps)and got it sold.
You can do this, you don’t need him.
I find it ALARMING he is threatening to kill himself in front of the children.
Any threats to kill involving the kids or not is something that honestly reminds me of the Darcy Freeman case.
My kids are older (13 and 11) and it's distressing, I'm 99.9% certain that it's a manipulation thing (I should feel sorry for him and then we can just stay together etc), but I'm not giving in. This will continue until he finally realises that it's not going to work this time. I can honestly say that I do not believe the children are in any physical danger, but their mental health is going to suffer and if he can't snap out of it, then the kids will be staying with me the majority of the time (but I'll have to prove that he's unstable).
I was the one who didn’t want the break up at the time and I thought all those things he’s thinking. I now see it was a blessing but at the time I couldn’t. I was quite volatile, please don’t wipe him off as a bad parent yet, people need time to digest everything. Give him time. Get the house sold, take those steps, drag him kicking and screaming but understand for some people it takes a lot of time to get over a marriage break up. I ended up having to do everything, he wanted the break up but didn’t actually do anything to make it happen and was not parenting during that time, running around town, so if I could get the shit done, not wanting it, you can too. Cut him some slack, divorces are highly charged, emotional situations, especially when you don’t want it.
I know that I am way ahead of him in this process, I guess what I'm seeing now though is the extent of the mental health issues that I've been excusing and putting up with for years. The behaviour I outlined in the post is his regular behaviour, but it's heightened now and the outbursts are much more regular. I've been trying to get him to shop each second week (so that he can learn how to do it as he's not offered to ever do the shopping in the past) and this morning I was accused of putting all the expensive stuff on "his" list :( doesn't matter that it isn't the case, but that's the truth in his eyes. I had to show him how much I spent last week and tell him to budget to that amount. It's beyond stressful. I hope you are doing ok now and I hope that he can move forward some day too. He has now stopped paying for school, (without telling me) and I don't know how I'm going to manage financially, but I can't stay in this house. He's also now told his mother that "She's taking everything" etc etc, so I've got his family hating me because they believe everything that comes out of his mouth. This is just the culmination of many years of toxic crap :(
You don’t, he won’t be reasoned with. You just have to do it. You aren’t his support system anymore and you shouldn’t be his support system.
You can’t reason with someone who’s thinking is so faulty.
Just start making the decisions. He’ll either wake up or he won’t. Take what you need, leave what you think is fair. Contact a real estate agent and start getting that process done. It’s only by action that he will start to get it..
Wow, I literally read this thinking i was reading about me and experience.
There is nothing you can do. He will not harm himself, but if he threatens again ask him if he has a plan. I bet he doesn’t.
The lack of empathy and blame shifting is classic narcissism.
It is also possible he is on the spectrum.
Leave. Take your kids and run.
I am moving into a rental very very shortly (my best friend came to the rescue), however I have no "real" way of him not having the kids half time. They are 11(almost 12) and 13 1/2. I am hoping once we leave and we aren't in that toxic environment, that they will choose themselves to not spend time with him. I don't believe he's on the spectrum at all. I do think he has BPD and emotional disregulation. I'll just be glad to get out of here, I can't wait.
Good news, house is on the market! we've had a couple of offers, waiting until we have more buyers go through on the w/end before we start any negotiations. Someone on the fb post suggested I'm being a good Mum trying to help him out. But I think my motivation is also to make it easier on me and the kids if he starts seeing a future for himself. He's definitely not stable though, so if he pulls the suicide trick again I will call 000, it will either call his bluff or start him on the road to getting some help. 12 more days and I'm officially moved out.