I have several half siblings that are all over 15 years older than me. We've never been very close. We just dont get along. I have nieces and nephews that are close to my age but we aren't close either. I did a DNA test and found a half niece that I didn't know existed. I contacted her and got a little information and figured out whose she was. I then contacts one niece I do speak to a bit. She did a test and confirmed the findings. She said she was going to talk to her mother about it. And she contacted the adopted person. Only she hasnt talked to her mother and it's been over 6 mos. I didnt give the niece I found any information on who her mother was in case a closer relative wanted to do that. But now it's all been dropped and the other niece isnt speaking to me. Do I leave it alone or do I give her the name of her mother and let her contact her, herself? I've not spoken to the half siblings in several years so I dont feel comfortable contacting them. I have lost my parents and a half sibling already and know how precious time is. I'd hate to not let them know and something happen. What do I do?
19 Replies
You leave it alone. If she wants to know, she will find the information in other ways or she will find a way to contact you.
Not everyone wants to contact there genetic family and there can be loads of reasons they decide not to, and they can change there mind at anytime.
This is her journey, let her do it in her time and at her pace, even if it means she never takes the journey.
Shes been trying to find them for over 20 years. Trying to get the closed adoption records opened through the courts. She has contacted me. We are friends on Facebook. That's why I am asking if I should give her the name. All she has is a half sisters name and it is a married name.
Also, the niece that I contacted, that is the half sister, has been through this before. Her father announced he had a child in high school and introduced her to the family about 5 years ago. She seemed ok about it all. Then just stopped responding to messages and canceled plans we had to get together. Not sure what happened. But that's not the adopted daughters fault.
Is she asking who her mother is? Tell her if she is...What's to lose for you by telling her? It will mean quite a lot to her if this is what she's wanting, even if your sister doesn't want anything to do with her she has a puzzle piece and is a step closer to finding more.
Yes, shes been trying to get the adoption records opened through the courts for years but hasnt been able to. Mind you shes 41 years old.
Please tell her!
Mind your own business
Why should she mind her business? The niece would never have had the test done if she wasn't open to biological family finding her. This is about the nieces journey, nobody else's. If the neice wants to know who her bio mother is then why wouldn't OP tell her? It's also completely up to the bio Mum if she wants any contact, just like her daughter has that choice. She already has it narrowed down to one family.
That’s right it’s between the neice and her parents not some estranged “aunt” who has little to do with her siblings.
That’s why she should mind her own business
But the parents don't own the situation, they are just as estranged from the new niece as the OP is. It won't be hard for her to figure it out herself now anyway, she now knows a cousin and an Aunty I'm sure she would be able to at least narrow it down knowing that.
She has been trying to get the adoption records opened for over 20 years. She actually spoke to her half sister, not cousin. Shes been searching for them since she was 18. She has a happy life, loving parents and kids of her own. But she just wants to know where she came from.
Definitely tell her, this would be eating her up daily! She wants to know who she is, her bio mother already know who they are and where they came from. It's not about them and whether they are going to get upset about it. Makes no difference to their lives at all. It will make a huge difference to your nieces life, tell her so she can get the closure she deserves.
I wouldn't rock the boat. I think the Titanic has sailed and definitely doesn't need another ice berg to sink it.
Let the niece know her mothers name and dob etc. If you have any idea about who the father is then let her know that too. Also tell her the situation as it is, you're estranged from the family and it's probably not your place to say anything but for her sake you have. Warn her that your sister might not want contact and to perhaps go through a third party for initial contact like a charity that helps people find adopted families, she is probably already connected to one.
This is what I have basically done. Since I had already contacted her, obviously I didnt know how she was related at the time, I cant just block her now. It took time to figure out how she was related to me, if you've ever done a DNA test, it shows multiple ways someone COULD be related. Once those were narrowed down and it was confirmed, we had already started a friendship. Of course I NEVER thought she was a half niece when this all started. I told her I will give her the info of her moms name and address if she wants it. She understands her half sister has freaked out a bit and backed off, so she isnt in a hurry to contact her bio mom. Shes happy to have found any relatives that want contact with her. My half siblings arent the nicest people. And I dont want her to get hurt. And I've explained this to her. She is ok with getting to know me and mine and maybe someday speaking to her bio mom and half sister again.
I've also thought about asking for other names on her DNA match list for who the father is. My sister was married at the time so I think I know who it is, but would never say so without confirming it somehow. The name is fairly odd so if it showed up in her matches, it would stick out.
Consider for a second why her parents have not tried to locate her. You have zero to do with your family and you think it’s ok to go around opening up wounds they dealt with 40 years ago. To all those who are saying “tell her” you maybe want to consider why we have closed adoptions. DNA does not make family, relationship do. If you want to befriend this woman go right ahead but you have no right to disclose information the parents have CHOSEN not to disclose.
I'm not entirely certain I understand the dynamics here so correct me if I'm wrong:
So basically you found a biological niece who was adopted out by someone on the side of the family you have a troubled relationship with?
If that's the case, 100% leave it alone. Not your place!
If she had been searching then simply contact her and say that you have the information she is searching for and if she wants to know details you are happy to meet.
Then it’s her decision to meet and find out and you haven’t blurted information out she didn’t want to know.