How do we heal ourselves?
How do we get over our own shocking physical emotional and sexual abuse we’ve endured as children ourselves and be any kind of a parent for our kids? How can we make all the right decisions in our kids lives when our own parents actions or non actions helped mould our own neglected past? Who do we learn from when our parents and their family were our abusers? And how as parents can we be and continue to be good roll models for our kids? How can we forgive ourselves for not being “enough” not giving enough, not loving enough when we couldn’t even love ourselves? Who fixes that? And when is it fixed? Are we to blame for our children’s upbringing not being “stable” when we never had stability ourselves? How can we have offered stability to our kids when we’ve never even seen what it looks like? When everything in our lives was chaotic how can we offer calm? How are we “wrong” in the way we raise our children when we tried really really hard to get it right with nothing more than the knowledge in how NOT to do it?
I didn’t get it right all the time because I didn’t know how! What does parenting adequately and well even look like? Is it a supported family being around you with a loving partner /father of your children and support system? Cause I never had any of that! I had no one! No one but my kids and a burning desire to protect them from the people who had no ownership over what they did to me!
I said goodbye to the parents that neglected me and made me available to their family to be molested, I said goodbye to my only sister who was and continues to be an avid drug user, I said goodbye to extended family that hurt me and cut me out for laying charges on my abusers, and I said goodbye to my kids father/s who also abused me verbally and emotionally through sleeping around. I did all I could to shelter my kids from all I knew to be hurtful yet i still somehow got it wrong.
A police detective who took my molesters to justice continues to contact me even after retirement making sure I haven’t resorted to a life of drug abuse and alcoholism due to the trauma I’ve experienced since I was born, having known my family my whole life he’s surprised how far I’ve come... yet I haven’t been good enough to always make the right decisions as far as my kids are concerned.
Too many times in my life because of feeling so very exhausted with trying I’ve wanted to join the ones who gave up living... I’ve died from my own hand... but I’ve come back with a raging desire to do better, but it’s not been enough? Why is it not enough? Every time I get this wrong I want to give up! I’ve got physical scars of “failure” all over both arms... I feel the judgement from people staring, it’s either empathic or condemning there is no in between.
I’m the first in my entire family to get a qualification... My career now days is spent caring every day for others yet I fail to care enough about myself ... but when I do something for me I’m to blame for being selfish in the eyes of those who don’t know me.
I need for my efforts in life to be recognised for merely trying, some days all I did was remember to breathe in and out... but I did it. I’ve survived suicide, neglect, abuse, rape, mental illness, and I’m stronger yet still weak deep inside. But I’m here!
I’m sorry to my children for their dads neglect of them, but I have no control over another person’s actions! I’m sorry I was weaker than they needed me to be but during those times I spent all the efforts I had surviving my own mind my own downfalls and all I’ve not been allowed to recover not through lack of trying...
I love my children so very much I wish they could see me as a strong person considering all I’ve survived instead of being an inadequate mum. Had I lived the life handed to me I wouldn’t be breathing and they wouldn’t exist!
I’m grateful for still being here! My sister followed her path due to our upbringing and has become a drug induced schizophrenic encouraging her children to become alcoholics and drug users themselves, my brother became an introvert never leaving his home or his bedroom never experiencing life and too scared to live until his premature death just 2 years ago at the age of 43 but I’m still here! I’m still playing a part in society and my life, I’m working, educated, and living this life when it could’ve gone so grossly the opposite way for me too :,(
I need to be recognised, to be Validated, to be acknowledged for the parts of life I succeeded at even if merely staying alive was all I had strength for.
I am a mum, and I am sorry I didn’t always know the right way to do that job! But given everything, doing it ALL alone and with no support for the most part I think I’ve done exceptionally well cause I’m still here! I’m alive and more than willing to help heal the wounds my kids might have had from having been mine...
6 Replies
Counselling and time.
And allow yourself to make mistakes, forgive yourself for them, and keep going. Be kind to yourself. Keep learning and keep doing your best.
And again, councilling and time.
In looks different in many ways, there’s no such thing as a perfect parent. As long as you love your kids, they’re fed, housed, kissed and cuddled, then you’re doing good. Be kind to yourself
Wow you are amazing, one strong mummy! The best mumma at that because your kids are your priority and you have done the best job protecting them from the evil that endured. Don’t be hard on yourself. Be proud of who you are today and own it. There is no such thing as a perfect parent, we are all doing our best to raise decent little humans. You are amazing! One day at a time. Try to think happy thoughts and create new memories with your kids.
It sounds to me like you have done everything right!!
From here I would concentrate on getting some help. Go to the GP and find a good psych.
I would also start looking at myself in a different light. Start with positive self talk! “I’m amazing, I have a career and I have survived”, validate yourself.
I would also join a gym or something so you can work on your whole self. Volunteer with an organisation and give back. Love yourself and validate yourself. There is nothing more empowering than self love and actually meaning it. You won’t need anyone to do it for you when you truely believe it.
It takes a lot of work to change your mind set. When you hear a negative thought about yourself, flip it to something positive. I believe you are an incredibly hard worker and won’t shy away from a challenge.
It’s time to focus on yourself and truely loving and validating yourself.
Good Luck mumma, check in and tell us how you are going. You can do this.
Lots of time.
I was abused sexually and physically throughout my childhood, I was alienated from my dad and half my family because my mother didn't like him. During my teen years I entered a dv relationship and had my first two children. I left when my second was 1. I was a no hoper, a drug addict who had services involvement.
Fast forward 10 years, I'm married, have 4 children, own my own home and although im not perfect and my past still haunts me from time to time, I like to think I'm a good mum.
Alot of my own childhood has shaped who I am as a parent, I never want my children to go through what I did and I do everything I can to prevent my mum coming out in me.
I have made mistakes but I have learnt from them and done my very best to fix them.
I give my children the family and life I always wanted, they don't have everything materialistic but they have a mum and dad/stepdad who love them, full bellies and a safe place to call home where they will never have to feel fear.
This has helped me heal over the years.
I think the validation you're looking for is here for you on this forum. Read every comment and know that there are strangers who think you are an amazing and wonderful mum and person. You have come to the right place for support, even if you don't get it from those people you know. Xx