Hey sisters,
So my husband wakes at 5.30am each day to commute to work and commutes home around 3.30pm (drive 3 hours round trip). He constantly whinges about it which makes it hard for me to empathise as I’m so sick of hearing him whinge and constantly complain about how tired he his.
How do I become more empathetic whilst also telling him more kindly that he is certainly not the only person who does this and needs to stop complaining.
He asks me to sympathise for him, and to look at how much he sacrifices - when he asks that all I hear is I’m a sooky needy husband!
Unsympathetic Wife and Sooky Husband
Unsympathetic Wife and Sooky Husband
Posted in:
Relationships & Marriage
16 Replies
My husband leaves home at 5:15am and returns at 7:10pm...
And yes the commute gets to him at times. It sucks I’m glad it’s him and not me. I find my 45min commute tedious at times.
Maybe you also need to find it in you to be grateful. He may not whinge as much if he feels valued!
My husband leaves at 4am.. I’ve been unsympathetic but also appreciate/grateful over time. Unsympathetic because it’s hard on me, the kids wake early as a result and I’m expected to get them ready before I leave for work myself, most of the time missing getting myself ready now I’d like to. Then I get home from work and still have to cook/clean etc. because of the commute. But he’s providing financially and we are so lucky we have that :)
Acknowledge the travel he does. Praise him for it. Point it out every day. He will stop whinging. This is actually a psychological approach to people who are feeling unappreciated, it validates their feelings and they no longer feel the need to complain.
Single mum her with a 4:30 alarm Monday to Friday and I don’t get in until 5:30/5:45. It’s hard and I whinge too I won’t lie... a lot! Once that is done there is dinner, bath, lunches and bed routine to get underway. I’d be asking if he feels unappreciated or if he is just exhausted. Do something for him every so often... get him some of his favourite seafood and a few beers, send him out on the golf course if that’s his thing, have the kids do him some art or treat him in some way... cook a nice breakfast and coffee in bed. I understand though... As a wife/mum we also sacrifice a lot too 🤷♀️ I wish you all the best 😊
Just because he's not the only one with a long commute doesn't mean he's not entitled to have a moan about it!
3 hours of travel a day is a lot, the farthest I've ever had to travel for work was 30 minutes and 2 bus rides - that was tedious every day, I couldn't even imagine how relentless 3 hours on a train every day would be. Especially at this time of year when everyone's a little bit busier and a little less patient so etiquette and basic human decency often flies out the window, you're hot, you're tired and public transport is the last place you feel like being.
Do you travel for work? Have you ever had that kind of commute? I feel like maybe your struggle to empathise is because you don't really understand.
I feel like you need to take the words needy and sooky out of your vocabulary when addressing/referring to your husband. You don't need to tell him to stop whining because he's not the only one with a commute - that's dismissive and invalidating, chances are he's well aware that other people have to travel too, it's not relevant to how he's feeling!
Acknowledge him, tell him you understand he's tired, tell him you appreciate his sacrifices and hard work. Not to be presumptuous but I assume you as his partner benefit from his income so a little bit of compassion on your part isn't too much to ask.
Something I've found useful with my partner when he wants to have a huge vent about work, I'll offer him my time. For example, "let's have a coffee and we'll chat about it for 15 mins". When he's done I'll ask him if there's anything I can do to help, more often than not he just wanted me to listen. Then I simply ask him to close that conversation so we can enjoy the rest of the day and all the shitty parts don't impact his/our down time.
My partner was driving a 4-4 1/2 hour round trip for work, he knew I didn't like it so organised to stay where he was and come home every few days for the night. Sure it sucked but as a grown man he could choose where to work, I just didn't want him working a long day, driving home at night dodging roos, and then not getting enough sleep before getting up at 3am to start over.
He called me every night to make up for not coming home and much as I despise talking on the phone I took every one of those calls even if I was still at work so that he'd stay put.
I know it's not the same but you get the idea. In order to be able to empathise you have to understand the impact. I get the feeling he doesn't think you understand so keeps saying it.
Bring it up first. As soon as he gets home, "Hi babe, how was work, how was the drive, traffic ok?".
Be invested.
These days my partner works in the nearest city so he's not far from home but hated driving in the city. No-one likes red lights, I get it. As someone who reads the local rag and talks to people I'd heard that half of the new bypass was finished and it was open up to the exit for the road he works on. So I asked him if he'd tried it out. Next day he did and his commute is down to 20-25 mins with only 2 sets of lights. His commute doesn't ever effect me, but by being involved whether it's 20 minutes or 2 hours he knows I care.
He starts his commute at 3.30 or gets home at 3.30?
If it affects him so badly suggest he find a job closer to home. At least he's getting home early enough to wind down and go to sleep at a decent time. It's worse getting home late and not be able to sleep when you have to get up early the next day.
Try asking him what he thinks he could do about it to make it not such an issue? Could you move closer to his job? Could he change jobs? If he has no suggestions for a solution then maybe he’ll learn to accept what it is? He wants validation and maybe a solution?
My husband is a manager and is always complaining about his employees however men often talk their problems out cause it helps them be heard and get it off their chest they don’t always want a solution just understanding or perhaps for you to say “yeah it really does suck”!
So put it in a bit of context - do you ever whinge or moan about having to look after the kids, make dinner, do the washing and clean the house? If so by your logic you shouldn't because I have to do all those things too - kinda doesn't make sense huh? I get it - I used to get the shits with my husband because he would whinge about work and he seemingly wasn't doing anything about it. But at the end of the day I learned that he was doing what he could - there was limitations I didn't consider and so I started to try to empathise- a simple 'that's sucks babe wish there was something I could do, any chance you can help me with the dishes?' As opposed to 'ugh well what are you going to do about it?' The simple change in phrase made him feel heard and within a week I noticed he whined less and seemed happier when he got home. You may need to force yourself to start and there will still be times when his talking about his commute will sound like nails on a chalkboard but as his wife I feel like that you are his biggest support and he sounds like he needs you at the moment to give him a boost!
So he work 6.5 hours and day and he’s tired. Oh poor diddums. No sypathy from me. I’m up from 5:45 and my day doesn’t stop until 9pm and I do 2.5hours of driving a day. I’m not overly tired. Maybe you need to give him some probiotics and multivitamins to pep him up.
If he's leaving at 5.30 for a 1.5 hr drive then he must start at 7am, she then stats he leaves work to come home at 3.30pm. That is an 8.5 hr day, along with 3 hrs travel. Sorry but there is no way any job is worth that much to me.
I’m sorry but I had to laugh reading your post! You sound like me! My husband leaves at 7am and gets home at 6pm. He rides to and from work. The moment he gets in he is complaining about work, saying things like “Im ready to walk”. I am so unsympathetic! I get up at 5.30 to start my day (get three kids ready, do drop offs and go to work) he gets up at 6.15 to get himself ready and goes. I pick the kids up, dinner, clean, laundry, yards anything and everything that needs to be done around the house, with the kids and Whilst fitting in work. Last night I said “ you need to grow up and find a way to deal with this, I do with every I have to do!”. No sympathy from me! He gives me no time, doesn’t listen to a thing I mourn about! Mind you I wouldn’t say we have a healthy, happy relationship either! Sometimes I think it would be easier on my own (I do everything now and I wouldn’t have to listen to whinging 😂😂😂!). Some people are stronger than others. Good luck.
I think you’re being unreasonable. It does not take much to put yourself in someone else’s shoes (particularly someone you supposedly love) and be compassionate. Calling your husband sooky is unkind. Part of being a wife is supporting your husband when times are difficult, and listening to him when he wants to vent. If he were suffering from mental health issues, would you tell him others have it worse because they’ve broken a limb? Would you tell him to stop whining and suck it up? Another person having challenges does not invalidate someone else’s! Heaven forbid he were to suffer from depression or take his own life one day. Would you call him sooky or needy then? Time to get some perspective.
What does he want you to do about this though? Does he want to move closer to work?
Unless you do the 3 hour round trip everyday you wouldn’t understand..... have you thought about moving closer to his work to make it easier?
Man that sucks. My partner use to drive 2 hrs each way for work so I told him that he should stay at his parents which was closer to his work and come back after he’s done his 3-4 days 12 hrs stint. Sure he’s not the only one who has to commute but it sounds like it’s effecting him so much he’s complaining about it. I think he just wants you to listen and ‘wear his shoes for 10 minutes. Him complaining everyday for 10 minutes to you is shorter than his commute and you can’t even stand it