This may turn into a rant but i have no one else to talk to, so here goes...
I've recently not been well, I've taken on a permanent job after 20 yrs out of the workforce, that I love, I'm still doing majority of the housework, hubby works 7-5 each day and is also a on call firefighter and has been going to fires on/off since August around NSW. We've been together 21 years. Married for almost 18. 3 kids, 2 still at home.
Last weekend we had a dinner for his work Xmas party, I said I wasn't feeling well and went outside the pub. Felt terrible, so I messaged hubby and said I need to go home. He says, you go, I'll walk home. I was furious!! I'm outside almost about to pass out and he tells me to go home without him.
I just don't understand where his head is at. He used to ask me to go out with him, even just to watch him play touch footy. Now, I get nothing.
I'm at breaking point most days cause I get no help around the house, as well as working. I feel like he doesn't want to be here at all.
He once told a friend that he could happily live away from us for a year...
I often in my mind question his love me. Don't i deserve to be loved? He comes first in everything that I do. Seems like I'm a little lower down his priority list.
Am I being emotional about all of this? Or is he being a jerk?
I'm at the point right now, I've just had enough.
9 Replies
A little of both, probably. Get yourself a lovely house cleaner. It sounds like both your lives are full on.
To be honest from what you’ve said, I’m not sure I would have understood how sick you were feeling. Maybe you went into more detail? I don’t know.
Get some help around the house, then I think it’s time to have an honest chat with him.
Yeah , I feel like this is a major overreaction on your part. I don't feel, by reading this, that hes really done anything to warrant such a strong reaction from you. Why would you give up on on your relationship over such minor issues? I can only go on What I've read here, and I honestly don't see anything so wrong that it's worth almost walking away over. Please reconsider. I think it's a little OTT.
I think based on what you’ve written you are very much overreacting and are emotional.
I would not expect my husband to leave a work breakup or any party at that unless I was extremely unwell to the point of needing medical assistance. I would actually almost say it’s very needy and controlling to expect him to have come with you.
It sounds like he works exceptionally hard and has done for many years. You’ve been out of the workforce for TWENTY years, so you’ve been doing a lot around the house and for him in that time. I’m sure he Just doesn’t know he needs to help out, try communicating with him about your needs and getting your other children to also assist.
She said she felt as though she would pass out, she may very well have needed help to get home safely!
I'm going to say that maybe he just didn't realise she was that unwell. She felt vulnerable and is now feeling upset because the person she loves dearly basically dismissed her in a time of need.
I don't think that's controlling at all...
Then that is on her for having a lack of communication. She should have voiced at the time how unwell she really felt
OK, so reading between the lines I'm gonna say that it's not the house work or the fact he didn't come home with you when you were sick - it's the fact that he's emotionally unavailable and the lack of support that's really bothering you, would that be an accurate deduction here?
The "I could happily live without my family for a year" comment would be hurtful, did you tell him that hurt your feelings?
With your new job, being unwell and still being responsible for all the house work, have you explained to him that you feel overwhelmed?
Have you told him you feel unappreciated, taken for granted and not a priority?
He can't know how you feel if you don't tell him. He can't try and fix problems he's not aware of!
Talk to him.
I really think a family meeting would be ideal as well, the dynamics of your family have changed since you've gone back to work. House hold stuff is going to need to be delegated around the whole family (and that means kids too, I'm sure they're old/capable enough to chip in).
It also sounds like you guys need to find a way to reconnect, suggest a date night or something. Just you and him, quality time!
20 years, wow, it’s going to be a huge transition for all of you, with you going back to work.
Communicate through this new phase, he’s been so used to you doing everything, same with the kids. I second a family meeting.
In terms of work Christmas party, these things are a bit dicey, if you leave it can look bad and it’s also a good opportunity to reconnect with your coworkers.
Unless I was dying, I wouldn’t want my partner to leave, it’s a once a year thing.
He obviously didn’t know how unwell you were and probably was disappointed in you leaving but didn’t want to tell you that.
Also, thank him from us for fighting those bushfires, what a great person.
You sound like two good people that just need to get on the same page now things have changed.
I think it's healthy to be able to do things separately. If you were so ill you couldn't get home he absolutely should have done something to look after you... even if that was calling someone else to pick you up. But if getting home was fine, letting you rest while he bonds with his workmates is perfectly reasonable. I think this is a time of transition, you're overwhelmed and therefore struggling with little things. Talk to him
I think a bit of both! Sounds like your kids are getting older, reconnect. Go on dates, do things without them.
I would also cut yourselves a break and hire a cleaner once a week and potentially a gardener. Cleaner is around $50p/w and gardener around $10p/w. It’ll save a lot of resentment.
You both work hard. Cut yourselves a break. You’ve got this!
Xxoo