I don't even know wher to begin, i have only recently found out my fiancé has been having an affair with my best friend for the past 2 yrs, i conceived our 3rd baby in that time ,and he was sleeping with her up untill our baby was 6wks old, baby is now 3mnths so it's only very recently been broken off between them, i didn't even find out from my fiancé i found out from said best friends husband after she confessed every thing to him, they would meet every Friday after he finished work and sleep together in a public toilet or he would sneak around her house when both myself and her husband were sleeping ( up untill last wk they were our neighbors) he told her he loved her and she said it back but he swears he never had feelings for her and didnt mean it when he said it and it was purely about the sex and the thrill of the secret, he's trying so unbelievably hard to fight for us he sais im the only girl he will ever love, and he hates himself for doing this to me he has tried to commit suicide 3 times in the past 2 years and i have always supported him thinking it was just extreme stress and depression from work, he called it off a few times but kept finding a way back to her, i love this man more than i ever thought possible and I will admit that the stress of raising kids has pushed me away from him ive become less affectionate and treated him like shit on occasion, we have ended the relationship but he wants to start new he wants to try couples counseling and work on us he's convinced we can get through this and come out stronger than we have have ever been, right now i don't see that happening i don't see a light at the end of this, i guess my question is, has anyone come back stronger after an affair is it possible to move past all off the crap and learn to love again without the resentment, is there a chance a relationship can survive an after an affair....
30 Replies
I know is never ever possible get past the fact he consciously did that to me. A once off is sometimes forgivable. But he consciously made that effort each week to go behind your back... I would NEVER forgive that
Even if you think you can get past it, it will always be in the back of your head
Not a fucking chance!
Two years of lies. No I'm sorry I would walk away. This bloke only stopped because he has been caught.
I could never forgive that. He destroyed your family, your friendship and someone else's family, just as much as she did.
I couldn't get past a once off, let alone if my partner went and had an ongoing affair with my best friend!!
I'd let both of them fucking have each other!
I don't think you'll ever find peace with it, it's always gonna be there as a painful reminder if you stay.
Im sorry you’re going through this. If you take yourself out of the situation and a friend was telling you this what would you suggest?
He didn’t want you to know, so how could you trust him. Every time he’s late from work you’d get suspicious and I don’t personally think that’s a healthy way to live.
Two years, no way. A once off, possible with a hell of a lot of work.
Even if you did stay, it’s never the same and the chances of him genuinely trying to do what is required to truly earn any trust back is slim to none.
Your guy sounds really immature and he needs to do a LOT of work on himself on his own. He sounds totally incapable of having a relationship and needs to focus on looking after himself and working on himself.
I didn't even read all of this, just up to the bit where you said you found out from her husband. I decided my answer then, a big fuck off no way! A one night stand with someone you don't know? Sure that's doable! An affair with your best friend in amongst growing your family? No way in the world. Leave him.
Okay so, my ex did this is me. Was shagging my best friend for a bit of 2 years. It started just after our second was born. He ended up getting her pregnant (that’s how I found out, her story about who the father was kept changing). I ended things for other reasons, but this all came out about 2 weeks after I kicked him out. It’s been 5 years of no contact, I have moved on. Married and had more kids. They never kept there secret from all of our families (very small town) but she had an abortion and moved to the city. He is now homeless and has no contact with his children. But I can tell you this, my life has changed so much for the better, but it still stings, I think about it a lot and it hurts so fricken bad. How could they both do this to me, the two people that I loved so much. They never loved each other, it was literally just the thrill of it all. It was happening in my home while I was asleep
No bloody way.... run for the hills and never look back!!!
Look if been cheated on by my ex husband more than once and took him back ... pointless for me but he seems to be wanting it to work .. some men can change but it will be hell for you to get that aweful taste or look at him for years to come without wanting to vomit or smack his face sorry but it's your decision only you know what your able to put up with an forgive 2 years is a horribly long time during pregnancy and that too what a lovely friend and husband uhh sorry your going through this ! Take some time tell him to leave if anything and prove his respect and trust and your worth otherwise he will just do it again it's in him now so sadly I have no other advice but to look after you now and your babies put him last now he didnt out any of you first did he 🤔🤔🤔 so bloody selfish its sickening
2 years, fuck no. He'd be lucky to have enough of his shit left to even pack a bag. I know you're sad now, the anger is coming and you'll find it easier then to tell him to GTFO.
2 years? That's not a mistake. That's a choice that he repeatedly made. Nothing can fix that degree of betrayal
Are you the same lady that caught her husband and her best friend playing around under the table?
That’s exactly where my mind went. If so I hope she kicks his arse to the curb. Dodgy arse man right there.
Run.
Run and never look back.
You deserve better.
And kick that bitch in the clit.
My fiance cheated on me 9 years ago when i was pregnant with my second son he went back to his first 2 childrens mother it broke me i hated him for it. I trusted him to do the right thing even her but no we did get back together and are still together it is hard at first because everytime he goes out or was late home i was thinking he was cheating again . But we have made it and he has never done it again the saying u can forgive but never forget is true it is hard i wish u luck hun its such a horrible thing to go through xxx.
I will go against the grain and say yes. My husband cheated on me multiple times and then left me to be with another women for 2 years. There is alot more to the story but I spent alot of time working on myself developed boundaries and he has learned not to cross them. He has had to work very hard on himself and cut out friends that we associated with the affairs (his choice). Our relationship is 110% better 5 years on. Some people see me as weak for taking him back but I feel that I am strong because I forgave him and moved on and don't tolerate bullshit anymore. Things will never be the same it bubbles to the surface but as time goes on the wounds sting less and it's easier to push from your mind. That being said it was never with my best mate.. kick that bitch to the curb.
The short answer is no. At the time, when you are vulnerable and desperate to keep your family together, you will REALLY want to make it work. He will want to make it work too, he will go out of his way to try to make it up to you - because he does not want to live the consequences of his actions!!!
I made the mistake of letting him come home and I thought I’d done the right thing, I was happy and he was good to me and for a little while things were better than they had ever been.
But a tiger doesn’t change its stripes.
His behaviour returned to being inappropriate - spending time with female co workers, disappearing without warning, and the anxiety it caused me was off the charts. I asked him to stop because it was hurting me, but I was the one with the problem because he wasn’t doing anything wrong.
9 years on I am destroyed by what he did. I have no self esteem, no self worth, extreme anxiety, depression and I feel hopelessly trapped in a loveless marriage, in debt up to my eyeballs with 3 children to take care of.
I wish with all my heart I could turn back time and NEVER let him back in my door, because now I can’t get him out, and I can’t leave because I’m an emotional train wreck.
If he could do what he did to you for years and years and get away with it - believe me, he WILL do it again. No consequences for him, just the fun of it.
Absolutely. You obviously both want the relationship. Don’t just conform to societies standards of breaking up just because you’re ‘meant to’ in this day and age. Back in the old days it was expected that you did work through it. Granted we have more opportunities now to leave, but sometimes it’s not all about ego. You obviously love him, the relationship and your family more than the idea of being the sole source of his erotic desire. You’ve said you could be a better fiancé too, so work on that! Read the book ‘the state of affairs’ by Esther Perel. It’s brilliant.
Number one you sound like you are taking the wrap for this for treating him like shit on the off occasion. I’m sorry but there is no excuses for it and he is a lying pig. You were pregnant with his baby and he was sleeping with your best friend.? You are dealing with kids and a new born and younger sound ok with all of this. No way could I ever forgive my husband if he did this. What about if you we’re suicidal..? Has he helped you.? No off sleeping with your best friend. Meanwhile you are at risk of PND and dealing with young kids..! Please tell me in that time where he actually thought about you.? He didn’t.. piss him off and make him pay for his consequences.. yuk what a grub.!! trust me you will never forget it or forgive it. I got rid of my ex the minute I found out. Best thing I ever did, I deserved better and he went on to stuff his life up and suffer and that is his karma!! He was a loser like your husband. They are as bad as each other. There is no excuses for anything that comes out of his mouth regarding it. Mine came out with all sorts, I wasn’t interested in any explanations, it was all lies just like the affair. Glad I got rid of him..
I went through this last yr but it was his co worker. I knew something was off but he kept saying it's just work related etc well i decided one day enough was enough and I went through his phone,Instagram, Facebook messages and it was all there. I sent screenshots to him and that is when he said it didn't mean a thing and that he loved me .. I gave him another chance and he stopped speaking to her immediately and he went and got a new job (his choice). Things are better than ever between us and I have forgiven him but I won't fully be able to trust him again ( we have an 8 yr old together).
2 years is no
One off for attention.. he is a lying cheating disrespectful pig towards you and your kids.!! Wow!
I don’t think if he loved you that much he could cheat whilst you were conceiving a child together, carrying his child, gone through birth for his child, and the awful six weeks recovering.
That’s when he should love and want to be there for you the most.
If he cares more about his penis then he will never care enough for you.
I’ve seen so many times men convincing their women they want to stay and then cheating at the next opportunity whilst the woman has no idea because she thinks things are now going really well.
It’s really hard, I’ve been there at the same period in my life.
Maybe you could seperate under the same roof whilst you see if you can work through things.
Big hugs and goodluck.
And I hope you never talk to that so called friend again.
Of course he wants to start couples councilling... they all do once they get caught..! Get rid of him and go be happy. You deserve better. That’s so disrespectful. 2 years of your life he’s been lying and cheating with your best friend.. yukkk!! I’d be long gone.
Take charge and don’t let him convince you with anything, he convinced you for 2 whole years..! You are in charge here. If it was me, he would be gone the second I found out. Do not let him talk to you and tell you. Go with your heart and your gut. Can you seriously live with someone who has treated you this way even through having a baby. She was your best friend.! They are as bad as each other. Take charge and be in control on this and block out his words. They don’t mean a thing really he’s a liar.
My husband cheated on me with a work collegue she became a family friend due to their affair. She was married ( no children we had 3 and one on the way) they expressed their love for each other aswell. I clued on after our 4th child had died (3 months old) she even came to the funeral and he left the wake when she left as she was so upset!!! I forgave him (3 kids under 4 and grieving) we were going ok suffered the loss of 2 more children then had our miracle baby. When last baby was 1 he had another affair which i only found out about 5 years later ( 5 years of constant lying). We went to councillor i went to therapist we survived but i know if i had found out about second affair when it happened i would be have been done. Its hard its up to the couple we broke up a few years later i even had a new partner for a little while. But in the end we got back together we are childhood sweethearts he hasnt cheated in last 14 years we are stronger and have been married 22 years. I wish you love and support in what ever you decide xxx
I’m sorry but no way. Not for the amount of time he was doing it for. Maybe if it was a once off, but TWO YEARS!!!
His only sorry he got caught. Can pretty much guarantee, if your “best friends” partner leaves her and you leave your partner; they will be together as a couple.
Every couple goes through stages of stress, not being affectionate and argue, this gives no excuse for his actions. He should of asked to go to couples cancelling back then. Not screw around.
All in saying that though. It is your relationship and it is up to you.
I believe this is something that only you can work out.
I would suggest having a break and live separately for now. Get some counseling and work on you. I think you need to find yourself and love yourself before you can make a decision about if he is worthy of you. I think your self worth is extremely low as you said Mum life has taken over.... you have a 3 month old and 2 other children. This is not your fault.
He should have been man enough to support his family and his wife and keep it in his pants.
2 years is not a once off, it is a long term affair.
I believe that once you find your self worth and truely love yourself that you’ll be able to make this decision.
Like I said, I would seperate, live seperate and seek individual counciling first. He needs to do the same.
Just think your kids are watching, is this how you want them to see love? Is this how you would want your daughter treated?
No is the answer from me. It wasn't just a fling it was a 2 year relationship. He does not deserve you darling. Move on, mend your broken heart and raise your children with dignity. Hugs x