How do you cope with no affection in a relationship? We have sex on saturdays, but apart from that there isn’t any touching, kissing, affectionate words spoken. I’m a very affectionate person, I love to be touched and kissed but he was brought up to show no emotions so now he is almost like stone. We do love each other very much, he just shows his love by working and providing. I really want this to work BUT I’m feeling very disconnected from him at the moment.
18 Replies
I can relate with your partner. I am not affectionate and my partner is the touchy affectionate one.
It all boils down to me having to make a little more effort in being more affectionate, but also my partner understanding that I might always meet those needs. I find that's a healthy compromise.. you both need to be understanding of the other.
That being said, if I'm.going through a touch time, it's even harder to give affection and I withdraw massively. Which does make that even more strained... But we get through because we love each other.
So how long can you go without physically touching, kissing, saying I love you, making eye contact with your partner before you can tell it’s starting to affect him
I make eye contact for all my relationships and if I didn't, it's probably because I had something to hide or was guilty of something. So if your partner also doesn't make eye contact, I'd be looking into that part more. (Unless he was on the spectrum as some people generally don't like eye contact... But in that case you probably knew this going into a relationship with him. Eye contact is not an intimacy thing... It's general human being... does he make eye contact with other people?
I don't think it's actually important how long I go without physical contact. My main comment was towards a compromise. Your partner needs to be willing to try more. I think if you could see him making even a slight effort, you'd feel better about it and in turn, you'd be able to compromise slightly less then what you'd "ideally" like.
You need to have a conversation about it with him. And work out if he is willing to put in more effort. A relationship is constant work, it doesn't just happen organically majority of the time. So yes, sometimes he needs to be put of his comfort zone to give your more affection then he would actually prefer or then what comes naturally to him. And yes, you need to understand that he doesn't meet you on that level but you can see he tries
Leave, if your partner can’t show you more love and affection that a house mate he obviously doesn’t love you. You shouldn’t have to make a conscious decision to have to show love to your partner.
Why leave? Some people struggle with showing affection. It doesn’t change the love that they have.
How can somebody feel loved and wanted when there partner refuses to show it? Why would you want to spend you life with somebody that doesn’t have any interest in touching you or saying loving things. By the sounds of it this lady is feeling very lonely in her relationship. Just because he is happy not having any emotion connection doesn’t mean she has to be. How soul crushing
I don’t know 🤷🏻♀️. Just giving my thoughts from someone who struggles to initiate affectionate times.
So you have no advice other that, get over it pretty much?
Whatever. If it was that easy I would.
You are coming across very immature and defensive. It can’t possibly be that hard to show your loved one that you actually love them. It shouldn’t be as difficult as your making it out to be. Normal functioning relationships people work together, have common ground. Not share a house and nothing more
And you’re coming off very immature and judgemental.
I’m honestly trying to understand how people expect their partners to stay in relationships where the other person is cold, distant and unloving?
I said I struggle to show it. Never once did I say that it’s not shown.Sometimes it doesn’t come naturally for people, especially if they haven’t had role models when younger.
Cheers.
Different commenter here. I agree, I think the 'leave' advice may be a bit premature. OP even says that he shows his love by providing and working hard!
It doesn't sound like he doesn't love her, he just has a different way of showing it.
I grew up with a mum who was emotionally unavailable, I don't remember her ever hugging me or expressing love in any form. When you're raised like that, physical touch, affection and words of affirmation seem like a foreign concept. I want to be a touchy affectionate person, I'm just not. I think there's possibly an element of fear of rejection in there somewhere for people like us too!
Some relationships counselling may be helpful, meeting each other in the middle is what I'd be aiming for!
He is unwilling to meet in the middle, our relationship is cold and lonely. I don’t need to be smothered in kisses and cuddles, but it would be nice if there was some kind of physical closeness. He won’t even sit on the couch with me, he sits at the kitchen table. If I try to give him and hug or kiss he will literally dodge me like the plague. Sex is premeditated, cold and only because he likes to drink beer on Saturdays, so he is actually tipsy (cant even fathom the thought of being intimate with me sober). He does work hard, he takes great pride in providing BUT money doesn’t show love. Being gone 14 hours a day because he chooses to stay after work and do extra seems like a good way for him not to be here.
Not sure if this’ll go to the correct spot.
I’d just like to apologise, I read that comment completely wrong.
I don’t think she should get over it, that’s not fair on her at all.
My hubby and his sister weren't given much affection growing up. They were living needs were provided for, had a nice home, toys and lots of food, just no affection.
Hubby can't remember being hugged or kissed by his mum or dad. It hasn't effected him being able to show affection.
If you are feeling cold and lonely in the relationship, you need to talk to your partner and he needs counseling. Money isn't everything and it is going to make you resentful towards him.
If he can't compromise even a little (a kiss goodnight, a cuddle in the morning, an I Love You before work, a playful tap on the bum or even to sit beside you on the damn couch) then I wouldn't matter how much I love him, I wouldn't be able to stay in a relationship like this.
Have a chat with him. I hope you can get through to him, that you need and deserve more affection
Okay sorrf if this is really cheesey and lame, but look up the 5 love languages and do the quiz with your partner. It shows from 1-5 how you show and want to receive love. I used to get very down about my partners lack of affection but he scored that his highest love language was "acts of service" so by doing little things and working etc. I scored physically touch as the highest. Then you can both kind of adjust your expectations and behavior. So if i feel like he's needing me to show him I love him (say hes had a bad day) in the past id just want to give him a hug because that would make me feel better, but now i know he sees it differently so I might DO something (an "act of service") like make his favorite dinner, pack him a lunch for the next day or just anything to make his night easier. He also saw how important physical stuff was to me so now will be more affectionate with me. I think its important to both compromise and adapt your expectations. Good luck.