My partner has significant long term mental health issues. Recently a number of people have suggested it's DV.
He has always had an explosive temper with a very short fuse but it's never directed at me, usually it's the PlayStation or the fact that he can't find something or it's been moved.
Lately things have been under extra pressure and our 9yo has copped a lot of his yelling, threats and temper. I have told him to stop verbally abusing our child a number of times. Our younger child doesn't usually cop any of it. He is quite patient with him.
I do spend a lot of time navigating the children and situations in order to avoid triggers and keep situations under control. Quite frankly, it's exhausting.
I have confided in my boss who has suggested that his behaviour falls under DV given that we are in this hostile environment. And that we are constantly exposed to his temper.
He has never lifted a finger to me l, nor do I think he would. However, I do have concerns for my children and his explosive anger.
I'm not convinced it DV, maybe just a shitty relationship.
I think i want to leave but I'm trapped. I have no support network where I am.
23 Replies
Some women act like this and it's never considered DV, so I don't think it's fair that it should be classed as DV just because it's a man that has anger/frustration problems.
Don't think I'm trying to say it's acceptable because it's not, you must all be miserable just waiting for him to lose his shit over something. Are his mental health issues being treated? I think you need to have a serious chat with him and put some ultimatums in place. He needs to make some serious changes, gym or sport for anger release, medication, more one on one time with your eldest are all things I would suggest x
Just to clarify, there's nothing in this post that says physical or emotional abuse to you. As someone that went through a 12 year abusive relationship this is not an abusive relationship in my eyes, this is living with someone that has anger problems. Although since he is directing anger and threats to your son this is abuse if it's beyond your normal raised voice and a threat to take a toy away. If this is a changed behaviour he has the potential to change. If you leave or stay insist he get help either way.
It’s DV. Verbal abuse is abuse and a form of domestic violence.
Yes, he might have some reasons why he is behaving this way, but that doesn’t excuse his behaviour and it doesn’t change the effect it’s having on you and your children.
PS I would also say that when women behave this way it’s also DV! Just because some people wouldn’t class it that way, it doesn’t mean it isn’t.
Totally agree with what you have written. It sounds like DV to me! Just because they aren't physical abusive doesn't mean it's not DV. You shouldn't have to live your life on egg shells!
Sounds to me like it could be the beginning of DV and could definitely escalate. Given you are feeling trapped as such and fear fro your children tells me this.
Just because he hasn't lifted a finger doesn't mean it's not DV.
Definitely seek some help to consider moving on from this situation.
Look, I think it probably does fall under the category of emotional or verbal abuse. Walking around on eggshells, trying to remove probably normal things that trigger him and being exposed to explosive anger is seriously damaging to a person's psyche, particularly a child's.
This is partly why I seriously dislike the term DV, it implies that in order for it to be classed as abuse it has to be violent or physical and we all know that's not always the case! DV isn't a broad enough term to cover the vast range of ways one can be the victim of abuse.
Spousal abuse is often a result of improperly or untreated mental illness too.
Maybe give 1800 respect a call for some advice.
💜💜
Everything’s is classed as DV these days. Men can’t ask to be left alone or have their own savings account with out being with out being classed as being violent or controlling. Have you tried to get him help? Is he suffering from depression?
Shaking my head
A. It's not her responsibility to fix him, he has long term ongoing mental health issues that I'm sure he's well aware of - the onus is on him to manage his mental health, not her.
B. Your 'everything is DV' comment is so unhelpful, we aren't talking about a guy who has just asked for some space or wants to have his own bank account for Christ's sake - we are talking specifically about a man who's behaviour is unacceptable regardless of what label you wanna put on it, his anger issues are impacting the whole family, by OPs own admission he's verbally abusing one of the kids.
This woman is vulnerable, now isn't the time for you to be trivialising a very real issue with your anecdotal opinions...
Can I just jump in please ... If you know someone with severe mental illness don't ever leave it up to them to control themselves. If you're a close family member or friend always be mindful and look for signs they are getting worse and if you really do care about them you will be trying to get them to see their doctor. Self neglect is common with mental illness, someone that doesn't care about themselves will not help themselves.
That's all very well and good but where does one draw the line?
It sounds as though the OP has been very helpful and supportive of his mental illnesses so far - there comes a point where she'll need to consider her own self preservation and the emotional well-being of the kids.
There's only so much trying to help someone who won't help themselves a person can take...
I wasn't even referring to OP's situation specifically, I just read the part of your post that says he needs to be responsible for his own mental health and I felt the need to correct you as that's a dangerous attitude to have, that's how people kill themselves.
A. We have separate bank accounts.
B. He gets PLENTY of alone time. He games a lot and I don't mean 2 or 3 hours on a Friday night. I mean daily and most of the weekend. If he isn't gaming he is often laying down sleeping or on his phone.
He has dystemic depression and terrible anxiety.
He's not controlling of me because I am too strong willled to let anyone control me. However I am trapped with no support system near by so I can leave him easily.
I do 99% of the parenting and housework. I also work 4 days a week.
I never actually thought of it as DV until my boss suggested it may be an sent me to talk to someone.
This is definitely not DV, you are in a partnership with somebody that is struggling. Two very different things
Different things yes. Essentially the same outcome though 🤷♀️
While I understand depression whole heartedly no child of mine would have to accept abuse of any kind. That is when I would be tapping out. There’s nothing that makes that OK for me.
What does it matter what the label is? DV or not? Just assess the situation on its merits and decide what you want to do. Don’t get hung up on semantics, focus on whats in front of you and how you wish to proceed. Good luck, you deserve happiness, I know how challenging it is to care for someone with mental health issues. It’s bloody tough, if you want out, don’t feel guilty xxx
This is the best answer here, and one of them is mine! Regardless of it being DV or not if you're miserable and not seeing a way out, then that's a pretty good sign you should start figuring out how to leave.
I really wouldn't see this as DV. Just someone that needs the right help.
Making threats to a child is Domestic violence. DV doesnt have to be directed towards you it can be dv if its directed towards the children.
You having to walk on eggshells removing his possible triggers to aviod his temper is emotional abuse. This is domestic violence. What a child having tantrums when he cant find something. Thats ridiculous.
He has depression and anxiety... big whoop. So do many people who dont act like tossers towards their family. Convenient excuse to act like a prick. If he doesnt control you you wouldn't be feeling isolated with no support system. If he didnt control you you wouldnt be removing triggers to try and keep the peace. If he didnt control you you wouldn't feel trapped. He controls you in subtle ways you havent realised.
He needs to get help or get out. You cant help him he needs to help himself. Your child has the right not to be screamed at and threatened. Verbal abuse happening regularly in the home is domestic violence.
I am living this :( But, it's finally gotten to a point that it's harder to stay than it is to go. I have had enough. Yes, he suffers with depression, no, he wont listen when I suggest counselling or going back to the GP for another assessment and perhaps review of meds. Am I responsible for his mental health? No, I'm not. Before I told him I wanted to end our marriage, I had to look up how to deal with him when he started threatening to take his own life. (which he did, in front of our 11 year old), because I knew that is exactly what he would do. According to him I am responsible for everything that is wrong in his life and I'm only leaving because I have single Mum friends (please insert eyeroll here). He has the worst temper, has no idea how much his ranting emotionally hurts those around him and finds nothing wrong with the way he acts. Egg shells are second nature in this house and no more, no more will I subject my kids to this, no more will I let them think this is how a relationship should be, no more will I "smooth over" his shit behaviour to our children. I am bursting with the thought of not having to monitor my own and my kids behaviour every second of the day. I am on the verge of being free, and I deserve to be happy. You do too Mummy, this isn't how it should be. I've put up with 15 years of this shit. Don't let it go on that long. Please. For the sake of you and your kids. Try talking to him about his behaviour and the fact that he needs help, if he wont come to the party and he wont acknowledge that he needs help, it's not your job to fix it. Start doing research and finding out how to get out. Do it sooner rather than later. All the best.
Thanks everyone.
I've spoken to family about the situation, they are supportive cold my decision.
I am on the cusp of moving closer to family and have told him in no uncertain terms he needs to sort his shit out if he wants to come too. I won't tolerate it any more and neither will my children.
It is hard because it's not a situation I ever pictured and thought I was much stronger than I am.
But looking back over the last 10 years I have given up so much of me to keep the peace and make his life easier - I've given up playing sport,going to the gym, i can count on 2 hands the number of times I've been out socialising without kids in the last 10 years.
I've often said I feel like a single parent in a relationship.
Anyway. Thanks again.
Big hugs, I'm a couple of weeks away from moving out now and feel like a huge weight has been lifted from me. No more modifying my (and the kids) behaviour and actions just to keep the peace and not upset him. My life has revolved around keeping him from getting upset for so long and I didn't realise how much it had changed me. All the best with everything. you are strong, you just forgot for a bit is all :)
Big hugs, I'm a couple of weeks away from moving out now and feel like a huge weight has been lifted from me. No more modifying my (and the kids) behaviour and actions just to keep the peace and not upset him. My life has revolved around keeping him from getting upset for so long and I didn't realise how much it had changed me. All the best with everything. you are strong, you just forgot for a bit is all :)