I'm asking for advice following an argument I had with my mother yesterday. I'm an 18 year old student in my first year of university, recently moved out of home. When I come home I tend to go straight to my boyfriends home because it is nearer to my university. I then visit my family at least once whenever I come back. I have been sleeping over at my boyfriend's house so tend to spend more time there because up until a week ago I didn't have a bed at my mother's house.
My mother said I never come home and that I would prefer to be apart of my boyfriends family rather than my own. To my siblings she said that I won't be there with them this Christmas (even though I never have missed Christmas with them and I don't plan to this year) and told them that I would rather spend time with my boyfriend than them. She told them that one reason that I never come home is because they annoy me even though this isn't true. So not only is she emotionally manipulating me to feel guilty about spending time with my boyfriend and his family, she is making my siblings (5 and 7 year olds) believe that they are a reason I don't spend time with them. I think she believes that I'm prioritising my bf and his family over hers even though I reassure her that this isn't true. Not only is it more convenient to go to my boyfriends house at the weekend from uni, but I enjoy staying there because I am able to relax there more so than at my mother's house due to family drama. Should I feel guilty that I enjoy spending time with my boyfriend even though my mom feels this way? And any advice about how I can deal with this? Thankyou xx
My mom thinks i'm prioritising my boyfriend's family over hers.
My mom thinks i'm prioritising my boyfriend's family over hers.
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Relationships & Marriage
9 Replies
You should not feel guilty. You are growing up and she is probably a bit emotional over that and feeling jealous or rejected because you're spending all your time at your boyfriends. It is completely OK you do that but once you understand why she's acting the way she is then it might be easier to deal with her. I have kids around your age and sometimes I'm first on their list and sometimes I'm last. I have learnt it's the age and I try not to act upset so they don't feel uncomfortable about coming to see me. Just live your life as normal she should eventually see that you are now an adult and emotional blackmail isn't going to do anybody any favours.
You shouldn’t feel guilty. You are doing what 18 year olds do.
I don't think you should feel guilty but your mum is probably feeling a bit left out of your life. Could you try making it a bit more routine so everyone knows when to expect you. Say have dinner with your family the first night you're back. Might make her feel a bit more like a priority if she knows you're specifically setting time aside for them
So I don't think you are doing anything wrong however my mother goes through this with my Mum even now at the age of 35 in that every time he comes back to our home town she is often the last on his list of people to spend time with. After all she has done to help him out over the years as an adult it does hurt her that all his mates take priority. Your siblings may also be missing you and although you worded it differently and mum needs to maybe be a bit more mature about it, it doesn't sound like she is wrong when she says that they annoy you (you said you can relax at bf's place which suggests that they do 'annoy' you and prevent you relaxing at her place).
If I were you I wouldn't stop spending time at your boyfriends but maybe once a month or every second or third weekend you get away from uni make sure you spend it with your family. Remember they've missed you all year and want to spend time with you so its natural that they would be upset that you dont feel the same.
She misses you. You need to make an effort to tend to all of your relationships. Go home for a weekend without going to your boyfriend's. Plan time with your mum. Plan activity with your siblings. Go and watch them do what they do, be part of their life. Fill.up their cup by making an effort to keep the relationship close and you'll all be happier.
Join the Facebook group ‘daughters of abusive mothers’. It’s an eye opener. My mother who I believe has a lot of narcissistic and manipulative traits says and does these exact things. And the truth is growing up I preferred to spend time with my boyfriends family as they were nice and normal.
I have read this a few times and as much as the words from your mum are manipulative and childish it’s coming from hurt.
She has said a few home truths to you and it’s hurt you too.
You do prioritize your boyfriend (you go there 1st with the excuse it’s closer) and you do find your siblings annoying (can relax at bfs)
You only get one mum and withdrawing further is just as manipulating and childish.
Sit down say sorry to each other and work out a plan so both of you are happy. Like adults.
She misses you. I would make an effort to spend some more time with her and your family. Even if you don't stay there, at least go over. See your siblings and your mum and make your family happy.
But in saying that, you are prioritising his family over your own. You visit him more than you visit your own, even if you say you don't like it at your family's house.
Also just by reading it, it sounds like you don't really want to be there. You keep saying "her family", that's also your family.
My mother was like this in my teenage years. Still is in a lot of ways. When I finished school and had a boyfriend I wanted to spend time with him and our friends, not come and hang out at my family home. She expected me to bring them all over to hang out there, even though we wouldn’t be able to play music and relax, and she would be super judgey of people smoking etc. She would get upset if I spent the weekend there. She would get upset that I would come home from work, shower and go see my friends. I was just being a normal teenager wanting to hang out with my friends. I also had a younger sister and brother, 3 and 10 years younger than me. I missed a lot of them growing up because I wasn’t there a lot. At the time I had no interest or connection to them due to age and difference in personalities. My brother understands and we have a great relationship, both having similar issues with our mum and her letting us grow up.
Also, not having a bed at your mothers probably hasn’t helped the situation. Was there a reason you didn’t have one there? Had she moved? Used your bedroom for something else? What were you supposed to do, come home for the weekend and not have somewhere to sleep? Of course you went to your boyfriends, and probably felt more relaxed and at home there. My only advice is to make sure you keep your friends around you and your independence which you sound like you will be being away at uni. Being young and so many changes, and having a Mother who is like that can cause issues if something happens with you and your boyfriend (from experience)