To give a quick back story; I have been separated from my ex since 2018
We have a daughter who is 2&1/2
We separated after the third DV situation during our relationship and I called the police.
Since then he lost two jobs, we became very amicable co parents
And this year (june 2019) he became suicidal, depressed, lost another job and could no longer afford rent/child support etc.
I let him move in with us rent free, child support free and no utilities until he found a job. As long as he helped around the house and when he got his tax he would pay me back.
I bought him a new phone (he smashed his) helped him apply for jobs and Centrelink and managed his doctors and therapist appointments, after many failed attempts at seeing a therapist he started medication. 2 weeks in he started seeing someone new. I made it very clear not to bring other women into my house or around my daughter and he agreed. We slept together in Dec 2018 and in Jan I found out I was pregnant it was a surprise to both of use as he went through testicular cancer and chemo so he wasn’t supposed to be fertile.
I was forced to have an abortion by him.
Instead of getting a new job he invested money he “didn’t” have into opening his own business.
Come tax time he gave me $500 and spent the other $3000 on booze and drugs and the new girlfriend.
A lot of shit happened in between fighting about cleaning, time and money spent with our daughter etc.
One morning we argued about packing a bag so we could be early for an appointment
He ended up smashing up my entire house and I called the cops
Fast forward a month and I have 5 year DVO against him and I am currently going through the Family Court for orders for our daughter. He started seeing her 2 hours each week supervised after the incident (she was present, saw it all and is currently in therapy)
He now has her up to 4 hours unsupervised weekdays and 2 hours unsupervised weekends.
He has continuously told me he has a new girlfriend and will have less time to see our daughter between work and the new gf.
My moral dilemma is do I tell the new girlfriend about all the DV
Like I completely get it isn’t my business but if I knew before we got together my life might be different.
I don’t want another person to suffer like I have at his hands.
This isn’t about revenge or drama or trying to be in his life
I am just prettified he will do it again and I have the power to stop it?
8 Replies
It won’t make any difference. You knew and you let him move into your home..
Your number one priority is keeping you and your daughter safe. So unless you can do it totally anonymously and it won’t cone back to bite you id leave well alone.
He will have painted you as ‘crazy’ and ‘psycho’ so chances are she won’t believe anything you say.
You knew, saw it first hand and let him move back in and with your daughter.
So why do you think it will be any different for her?
Stay out of their relationship. You knew how bad he was and still let him move back in putting yourself and child at risk, and continued to sleep with him resulting in another pregnancy.
You don't have the power to stop it, sorry if that's blunt but you don't have any power or control over what goes on in his life.
She sees the red flags, if you're honest with yourself, you saw them in the beginning too. Ask yourself, when he was new to you and you were falling for him, if an ex girlfriend came up to you and said "this guy is an abusive piece of shit, run while you have the chance" would you have believed them? Or would you have thought "that's crazy, he's the sweetest guy on the planet"?
I know it's hard to sit back and watch this cycle continue with someone else but you can't let his actions rest on your conscience. If he abuses her too, that's his sin not yours so don't feel like you're responsible for it.
Walk away, and move on. It's time you and your daughter heal, the new gf has her own mistakes and path to make. She will not listen anyways and it will just creat more drama for you.
My son's dad just had another baby, and the mother of their baby put up a post on a buy swap sell group asking for lock smiths as her ex just smashed up the house. I gave her my experience, not even knowing she was my son's dad, she then told me. All I said was I am sorry you are going through this. I could of told her block him, dont give your baby his surname or put him on the birth cert but I didn't, why? Because I had to protect me and my babies, and I knew it would get back to him and the abuse would start again.
You cant save anyone but you, also your ex has probably already started conditioning and manipulating her so she most definitelywill not listen.
Move on and forget about him as much as you can.
Also you are not responsible for him spending time with your daughter, thats his responsibility, if he fails that you just give her extra love. It sounds like being a "dad" is too hard for him.
I tell my son his dad wasn't ready so he is lucky mummy lives him enough for 2 people.
She won't believe you
I say this out of love: you need to see how your own actions have enabled your ex and stop doing it. Cut him out of your lfe other than being the father of your daughter- you dont have to be his best friend or involve your self in his life, in fact you should stop this. Look after you. Look after you daughter. Let him live his life without you. Dont be there to pick up the pieces again. The power is in your hands, you just need to step up and do whats right for you. Not him anymore.
Btw my advise is No dont tell her. You dont know her. It would be just involving yourself too much. She is a big girl and will either ignor the signs, or not that is her choice. Go be happy and focus more on yourself..