Hi mums.
I am struggling a little ..
Lately my partner and i have just been through some really testing stuff in our life.. both personally, as a family and extended it just seems to be one thing after another.
6 months ago we had the " perfect " relationship not without its "imperfections" but i couldn't have asked for more..
And so we decided to started a family and at 32 weeks , i don't think we have caught a break , for what should be the happiest times in our life .. i simply couldn't feel more distant from my partner and scared of bring this baby into the world.
From the day we told his parents , there has seemed to be family drama.. lots of judgement on how i raise my 2 children from another relationship from his parents has caused a lot of tension. His family don't seem at all approving of our relationship and even seemed disappointed in the announcement his mum congratulated us, his dad got up and left the room. But his mum has since been very cold with me, often ignoring me and doesn't generally speak to me, she will acknowledge the children if we are down the street etc but disregards me.. noone has asked me how i am or how bubs is... etc i have sent a photo of u/s etc with no reply and his mum did come to one of the ultrasounds in the beginning i feel ive tried.. he says his sister finds me " hard to get along with" which is actually quite devastating as i have tried reaching out to her but essentially stopped pushing it as she never seemed available or interested. I feel very judged and like none of them have taken the time to get to know me as a person or respect me as a person.
That aside it has caused a great deal of conflict with my partner and i.
As i no longer want to go to family functions or to visit as im tired of being ignored , and generally excluded and i find it very hurtful. He often acknowledges the mistreatment but until recently has said nothing but still voices he doesn't think anything will change because initially when we started dating , on a number of occasions we were struggling to find our feet, communicate and blend our lifestyles together and would take space as we needed instead of walking on eggshells around the children and found working through thay seperately a better solution for everyone.. given the extensive dv we experienced in a prior relationship. I dont really feel it really is there business anyway, and really feel if anything instead of toxicity in the home environment a few days space shouldn't warrant the treatment I've felt. It doesn't seem reasonable.
He recently went away to a wedding for 4 days 2 off which he took time of work.. i was quite upset i couldnt go due to pregnancy complications, generally just not feeling up to facing his family , which in turn was good because there was lots of fighting, and also upset with him because he always tells me he cant rake time of because he cant afford it and never accompanies me to babies appoints or my other sons medical appointments who has additional needs.. so essentially we had an argument about thatto which i felt he was completely emotionally unavailable and ever since things have felt really bad. He still isn't coming to bubs appointments with a specilist one tomorrow 2.5 hours away. Its his first child and i just wanted this to be a special time, we havent picked names , and his family generally seem uninterested.
We eventually found our feet and have came such a long way.. but i feel like since falling pregnant everything has changed. And i am generally scared of what live will be like after baby is born.
His family is definitely affecting our relationship, I've tried so hard to fit in but i don't feel accepted. None of this was an issue before we decided to start a family.
He seems distant and has since declared he has many doubts about our relationship. I generally feel like I've lost my best friend which is how we have always been but now i don't hear from him all day.. he works, i work but we always use to touch base and connect through the day, he seems frustrated and generally unhappy. Ive tried talking to him but he seems to be holding back and every day feels like i am walking on egg shells waiting for him to leave atm, like ill come home and he will be gone.
His never been a big talker but usually id have some idea whats going on lately i just feel like i have no idea.
With a baby around the corner, i am starting to wonder why i am here. He doesn't want me to leave, but i don't feel like im wanted here. We barely talk atm, never spend time together, and he generally seems uninterested.
I dont have a lot of family support but we dont really have any life outside of our children , i often get a baby sitter and take him to dinner etc, offer to watch a movie or a cuddle but it seems he really only comes near me when he wants to kanoodle to which after he rolls over and goes to sleep.
This more of a vent , as i haven't wanted to air my dirty laundry else where inside i am sad and scared. Part of me hopes we will find our happy place part of me is thinking its a matter of time before we separate.
I dont know what to do. Ive seriously consided leaving.
5 Replies
There sounds like a lot is going on at the moment. It seems you could really use someone to talk to. Have you considered some counselling?
I can see why you might see ‘taking some time apart’ as a healthy way to resolve situations but I suspect his family probably have perceived that as a sign of an unhealthy situation and that’s why they are unhappy. Especially if your partner has aired your relationship issues to them! It’s really hard as a family member to accept someone and be welcoming when you’ve heard all about the neagtive parts of the relationship. So if that’s what has happened, your partner needs to stop telling them this stuff.
I think you are also upset because you had a very different idea about what this pregnancy would be. Honestly very few mother in laws go to ultrasound appointments. Many people see that as a private event, and I can promise you in your MILS day an ultrasound was a non event (my son is 25 now, we got one ultrasound which was unintelligible and you could only take one person). It’s never occurred to her that she should go to those things..
I have to ask? Did you both discuss what your expectations were around this pregnancy? I find most disagreements come from mismatched and I communicated expectations. It sounds like you expected him to take a very active role, and he expects to take a back seat.
Sorry thank you just to clarify i don't expect her to come to the ultrasounds i invited her as its her first grandchild and wanted to be inclusive and try and find some level ground and bonding time. She did attend. We definitely talked about the effects pros and cons on the family having a child together but probably not so much expectations it never occured to me that he would be so uninvolved especially given the complexity of our pregnancy i have definitely felt alone.
Sounds like the relationship has been full of dramas, they probably thought you would end up breaking up but having a baby is a very permanent thing, it changes everything.
He sounds extremely checked out, a baby never fixes a relationship, just makes the cracks widen. The good news is, if it all falls apart, you’ve been a single mum, you’ve done it before, you know what it entails, so you can do it again. You are strong. Just concentrate on you and the baby, don’t emotionally invest in the family and their dramas, focus on staying well in your pregnancy. When bubs comes and you settle into a routine, you can reassess things. Don’t make any big decisions now, just take care of yourself.
They probably expected their first grandchild to come from a stable, long term, loving relationship. They may be traditional and have even expected marriage. This was probably the last thing they expected, they’re obviously disappointed in the whole situation. However, times have changed, this is the new normal.......
I honestly could have written this except I had my child 4 years ago and are married now and it’s been nothing but misery. I wish I had of left back then instead of putting myself through all of this now. Family gatherings are the same for me his family treat me like absolute rubbish and he has not ever said something to them about it. My daughter and I sit alone at family gatherings and if I say I don’t want to go he carries on like a child and screams at me then bad mouths me to them. I don’t see the point of sitting in a place being ignored by people when I could be sitting in my home enjoying my daughters company.
Since having our daughter my husband treats me like rubbish. Things were amazing before we had her and then the second I got pregnant he changed. She was planned aswell so I don’t understand why he is so cold towards me. It’s at the point now where he will tell our 4 year old where he is going and what he is doing like she is the wife and doesn’t even acknowledge me. I personally think it’s weird asf and I’m not comfortable with it. Last night I said something because enough is enough and he thinks it’s perfectly normal to behave like this.
Anyways The only advice I can give you is to go and talk to someone. Try and talk to your partner if you can and find out what he wants but do not let yourself be like me and stay in a miserable relationship just for the child’s sake. I am only starting to realise now after 6 years that I need to leave. It’s just how and when is the question for me