I’m feeling very stuck and conflicted about how my partner and I can move past a controlling and abusive ex wife who has alienated his children from him.
My partner and I have been together now for over 3 years. We met quite a while after separating from our ex partners. Our relationship is great but I feel like our lives and happiness together has been somewhat controlled in the last year by his ex wife.
Prior to last year, my partner had regular visits with his children and maintained a somewhat civil relationship with his ex wife. They managed the parenting their children quite well despite them having a very bad personal relationship. But something shifted dramatically about 12 months ago with his ex wife and his children after she found out he had moved on and now had a long term partner. It was about a month after this that I was introduced to his children. The meeting went (I thought) really well. It was a happy and positive meeting. I was delighted to finally meet them and thought they were awesome kids.
But even though his ex wife now had another partner also, it was from this point (meeting his children) that she suddenly got extremely demanding (about money),aggressive toward him again and started openly running him down to his children. His kids then started speaking to him the same way she was speaking to him. They went from looking forward to seeing their father to saying they thought he was a ‘deadbeat Dad’. They also told him if he loved them, then he would be providing everything they ask for (laptops, phones, clothes, activities etc.). These were all the things coincidentally that his ex wife was now demanding from him in addition to his child support payment each week. Once she was told that he can not afford all these extra things, the refuse visits started to be reduced. From 2 nights to 1 night. From one night to one day. From one day to blue two hours. And finally nothing by Christmas.
Fast forward to Christmas last year, they advised their father that they were only coming over for 2 hours on Christmas Eve to collect their presents but they definitely did not want to spend Christmas with him. This basically broke his heart and spirit.
All of this has not only taken a huge toll on my partner, but also I feel like it’s taken a toll on our ability to be fully happy as a couple. He never posts ‘couple stuff’ on Facebook as it’s used as ammunition against him. He never talks about ‘us’ to people who know both him and his ex wife as the information always seems to end up back in her hands and the abusive and angry texts keep rolling. He’s looked into parental orders through the family courts but can not afford the costs. Two of his children are now over age 12 and have been told he his ex wife that they legally don’t have to see their father anymore.
So how can we move past this? How does a person move on with their life without being able to see their kids or even have pleasant conversations with them. How do we as a couple feel free to be in a normal relationship without feeling we always need to ‘hide publicly for fear of retribution? With Christmas coming, this seems all so much more stressful.
I’m not sure where to go from here.
3 Replies
Block her from Facebook to start with, block her family and joint friends and set up an account where they can see only basic stuff if he really needs them on there. Go through mediation. It’s low cost and if she doesn’t go you can go to court and self represent you don’t actually have to have a lawyer represent you. So that would lower the cost significantly. Record everything, tell her that he’ll onlg converse with her in email and that’s it. If the kids want something extra over the child support amount he can supply it and then get a deduction from his child support. He just has to provide the receipts. And he can always say no, no Christmas presents unless you actually spend time with me. If they can make the decision not to see him there also making the decision to receive no presents from him and yourself. If she throws his relationship in his face he throws hers back in her face. Stop pandering to her. He already doesn’t see the kids what’s the worse that’s going to happen? He’s going to continue not to see them. He can always write a post on Facebook about how she’s treating him and that it’s not him that doesn’t want to see the kids and how much he misses them but they don’t want to see him. But still expect him to give them everything because that’s what they’re mum is raising them to do. Ignore her and her ridiculous demands and if he really wants access and to go through the courts he will find the money someway. A second job?? Maybe you could get a second job as your income does not come into the amount of child support he pays. If there’s a will there’s a way.
Mediation doesn’t cost and you need a certificate before you can go to court anyway.
Start with that.
I also feel sad that people care so much about Facebook, does it have any bearing on your relationship that he doesn’t post pics?
You know people had healthy, successful relationships before Facebook ever existed.
Facebook would be the last thing on my mind, given the situation.
I think she's just pointing out the impact his exes behaviour is having on their day to day lives, he has to rethink everything and hide his relationship to avoid back lash, something most people don't need to do.