I'm not sure what I'm asking but I do need advice about this. I know everyone says you can't expect your child to to be invited to every birthday party and I totally understand that but my daughter is in prep and has only been invited to 1. She has been with most of the same kids since daycare at one year old. She also does after school sports with these kid's too. I found out today at school pick up there is another 3 birthday parties on over the next few weekends everyone in the class but her is going. The same thing happened at kindergarten. I am so upset for her it's 4am and I can't sleep, my heart is breaking for her. I have spoken to her teacher and she is surprised to hear that, as she thought she gets along really well with others and shows great compassion and involves everyone. She really is a beautiful, lovely kind hearted girl. Her teacher was visably upset hearing this and couldn't understand. Which leads me to believe it could be my fault she isn't being invited. I have tried to get in the circle with the other parents for over 6 years and still I stand alone at school pick up and after school activities. They just aren't interested in me and that's fine it hasn't bothered me too much up until now. I guess i just want to know what other parents opinions on birthday invitations are? Do you ask your child who they want to attend? Would you not invite a child because of a parent? And if so why would you let another parent bother you so much. We are clean people. Not unusual in any way we think.
9 Replies
In kindy we invited everyone I also sent spare invites to the teacher in case we’d forgotten anyone. I’m so sorry to hear your daughters being left out.
Has her name been left of a list people are getting from the teacher?
I have two children, now 8 and 12. We alternate parties. One child has a party one year the other, the next. I leave the guest list purely up to my children! It is there party after all. Early primary school this list could change daily! They would both be 'best friends' with certain children one week, then talk about a total different bunch of kids the next. Party planning starts at least 4-6 weeks prior to the party. A lot of venues need set numbers to attend, so once that guest list was put together (with who ever their 'best friends' were that week) it stuck. I understand what your saying about the, been friends since preschool, for my children that was never factored in when making there decisions, it was purely who they were getting along with / playing most days with, at present.
A few weeks ago we took our kids bowling just cause. When we got there majority of my daughters class was there attending a birthday party that she wasnt invited to. I felt really awkward and I was sad for my daughter. She didnt question it at all and had a good time bowling with her family. This situation made me realise that at this age (shes 6) I think parents are bothered by it more than the children. She hasn't mentioned it at all since. We invited 5 kids from her school to her birthday party (it was a price per head party so she had to pick a few friends from class) and not one showed up and no one had the decency to RSVP. But she had outside friends there so she still had a great time. She asked where they were on the day but again, has not mentioned it since. I think little kids are so resilient it's not worth worrying about just yet. She will make close friends in the years to come and it will no longer be an issue :)
I'm someone that really doesn't like the idea of inviting the whole class to parties for several reasons the major ones being space and expense. I agree with the above poster that pre-school and early primary school aged kids care much less about it than parents do and to be honest although it's up to my kids who they invite (maximum of 5) if they ask for suggestions I will suggest kids who's parents I enjoy spending time with given that I have to interact with them for a couple of hours too.
Does she play with people at school? My 7 year old gets invites galore - every weekend for a good part of the year since he was 2. My youngest is almost 5 and gets none. He struggles socially so we understand why. Kids tell him he’s invited but then he is not. He is very aware that there are parties and he misses out. We had a big party this year. About half of his invites came. I had hoped he’d get one in return but he hasn’t. It’s very hard to watch as a parent. Parents definitely control invite lists at early age. Just keep being you, you don’t need to change to suit people who exclude a single child. There are other mums feeling like you, you are not alone.
She does struggle understanding body language and so on but she is so wonderful and loving if anyone is hurt she is the first there helping them. If she hurts someone she will always say sorry. She just seems to get ignored it kills me. I had one of the mum's on Friday ask if wanted to come for a play date to theirs because she was left out of the 3 parties coming. She asked me and her together we both said yes she was so excited I gave the mum my number to get the time and address she waiting all weekend. We never heard from her. 😢 I just can't explain my pain for her. I have applied for my working with children check so I can help out each week in class to see what's going on. Thank you so much for your response.
Parties are so difficult to navigate these days. People just don’t seem to care about etiquette like they used to. My son has been purposely excluded from 2 of his friends parties this year. Apparently he is good mates with them and they plan play dates together but when it came to their birthday, he was the only one in the group not invited. He was so upset at the time but has now moved on. I did wonder if it was me as one of the mums can’t give me the time of day but then the other mum is always nice to me so I don’t know.
I generally let my kids pick who they invite but I’m conscious not to leave kids out. There’s been parties where I’ve invited kids I don’t really like because they would be the only one not invited otherwise. Or we’ve gone a couple of numbers over as I didn’t want to leave 1 or 2 kids out. I know a lot of parents don’t feel the same way I do but I personally don’t think it’s fair to do it to kids.
I’m pretty much done with parties now. I’ve told my kids no more!
I work with a small group of only 9 in the health industry. I found out last week that everyone else was invited to a 30th birthday for one of the staff - except me. I'm 47 but it bloody hurt my feelings that I wasn't invited, especially when we all consider ourselves to be a family. But the worst thing was, they tried to keep it from me. It was only when a client asked myself and another receptionist, how the big party went on the weekend. I instantly felt excluded, upset, hurt, disappointed....... But I live by the saying "If it is not going to matter in 5 years, don't spend more than 5 mins on it." So I've already let it go......
I feel so much for you and your daughter. Some people are indirect bullies (meaning they don't know what they are doing is considered bullying.) Don't be afraid to speak up to the other parents and find out why you and your daughter are not being included. .
Good luck xx
Once you get over those feeling of devastation (for me it took about a year) I started to appreciate the following;
1.Not having most weekends taken up by kids birthday parties. Which is great when you’re a working parent.
2. Not having to spend money on presents for kids you don’t know.
3. Not having to stand around awkwardly making small talk with parents you don’t know.
It’s hard but try and look at the positives. xx