Hello!
I have 2 kids, aged 2 and 4. Their father and I have been separated for just over a year. After a lot of hard work we now co parent amazingly and do 50/50. He's an amazing dad and much more supportive and alot nicer to me now than he ever was while we were together. And vice versa.
He has a girlfriend and they've been together a year. She's amazing, although I haven't spent much time with her but from all accounts shes an inspiration. She's older than me, has a career, 2 kids herself that she basically raised on her own, is the embodiment of a strong independent classy women and im very happy that he is with her and that my kids have her as a role model. Im youngish, still studying, working, struggling financially, not established. But im getting there.
He's recently told me that they are moving in together and I have concerns. Some are irrational maternal concerns and others i feel are logical. First off im very happy about their decision to blend the families under one roof. I feel like it will bring another level of stability to my kids and having the extra attention, emotional support and bonus siblings will be good for them. My concerns are things like my daughter, the 2 year old, will start calling her mum. Or like, her kids will be there 90 percent of the time so it will be their home. I don't want my kids to feel like daddy has a new family and their guests every other week to someone else's home, I hope that makes sense. Or that the kids will treated differently or struggle with a new family dynamic. My son, the 4 year old, is very sensitive and needs a lot of emotional reassurance so I'm hoping that the girlfriend shows my kids the same level of love she shows her own and that they see their dad showing her kids the same level of love he shows them. I just don't want them feeling like anything is unbalanced. Obviously all of these things are outside my control and I have no business in how they run their household nor do I want to have any business in it. I just want my kids to feel like that's their home too, they belong there, that all their needs are being met and that it's somethi positive enhancing their lives to help them become emotionally stable well adjusted strong adults. I don't come from a blended family although my parents relationship was toxic and I've been emotionally messed up from that, so i have no experience with this at all.
I need advice from parents who have gone through this on what I can, should do? We will be having a dinner together to talk about concerns but I don't want it to sound like I'm trying to meddle in anything, I'm genuinely stoked for them in this next step and can see so many positives and the potential in the situation, how do I voice concerns without sounding immature or crazy?
4 Replies
Exactly as you've done here .
I think you need to voice your concerns in a way that shows that it isn't about you but your children eg. I wouldn't say that you are concerned that your daughter will call the gf mum because that just comes across as you being insecure about your position (you will always be their mum)- maybe word it something like - what would you like the kids to call gf so you can use the term when talking to the kids about her? Otherwise as long as you're respectful you will be fine!
It is completely understandable having the worries and concerns you do but a lot of it is out of your control. How your children react and adjust, what your ex and his new partner expect etc. They are all things that I think you just need to let play out. You trust your ex and his new partner. Trust that they want exactly the same for the children as you do. X
I wouldn’t voice them at all. I would wait and see if any of this eventuates and tackle them if they come up. Sounds like she is a very respectful woman who is going to be great for your children!
I would act excited about it for your kids. “How exciting that ..... is going to be at your dads” ect ect
Coming from a blended family can I say you also need to acknowledge her children as the children’s new siblings. My dad always used to disregard them and say hurtful things like “they’re not your real siblings” or not talking about my step dad by his name but calling him “him”. We were young. I love my step brothers like my own siblings. They are to me the same as my real siblings. We are a big family. It would have been much easier if dad wasn’t such a jerk about all of it.
Like I said I would leave it and tackle IF these things arise. She sounds great. My step dad always corrected us if we accidentally called him dad. He would just say, you know I love you more than anything, you already have a father.