So my Husband and I have been together 4 yrs, married 2yrs. We have kids. Hes a fifo worker, in WA were in QLD. Anyway long story short he came home last night, and when I was making the bed I seen him phone on charge. I had this sudden thought come to me that said check his phone. I’ve never done this and never felt the need to. I looked on his phone still in locked mode and it was a msg from a girl from work, she wrote Snob! Now I automatically flipped my shit! Thinking he’s been msging her and now he’s home he’s stopped hence the snob msg. He said it’s just a truck driver from work and said I have no idea what that’s about. (Eye roll) I then demand I look at his phone. I find a msg to another lady from work that says Thanks for the lift babe xx by now I have broken into a million pieces. He said that he went to a work dudes “bbq” and she dropped him and another dude home. So I ask why do you even have their numbers! He says because he drives the bus that drives them to work ( which he does) but the thing that hurts most is that he calls me babe that’s my pet name. It’s eother babe or bub. So to see him call anothe rwomen that a ripped me. I said why couldn’t you just say thanks when you hopped out and leave it at that. But also he’s doesn’t drink never has, now I find out that he goes out once a week to the pub with these people and has a few drinks. Like WTF. I would t have cared but he has also hidden that from me so obviously at some stage he has lied and says he’s tired going to bed or I’ve thought he was at work. Everything has been great until he went over there now it’s gone to shit. And he’s playing it down like it’s nothing. I’m so hurt and he thinks I’m being over dramatic they are just friends. Is it worth breaking up our family over? How do I trust him anymore, what is a relationship without trust! :(
Possible cheating! am I being dramatic and blowing this out of portion?
Possible cheating! am I being dramatic and blowing this out of portion?
Posted in:
Relationships & Marriage
29 Replies
He may call all women babe. I do understand why your hurt but I’m not sure there is enough there to leave.
He is likely lonely during that time and hence heads out for company.
If i looked at my husbands phone and saw a message saying "snob" (from a guy or a girl) I'd be like, 'eh he's got some friendly banter going on with someone' and I wouldn't even give it another thought. But your immediate reaction is to lose your shit, why is that?
My thoughts after reading all this is that he doesn't divulge things to you because you you flip out over things that are relatively harmless.
Going out for drinks with his mates once a week - harmless.
Having phone numbers of women he knows - harmless.
A friendly text exchange with a woman - harmless.
I think you've got some trust issues to work through, perhaps that's a byproduct of the FIFO lifestyle, i don't know. What i do know is that calling it quits solely over the information you've given here would be an extreme over reaction.
I tend to agree
He’s never had female friends, he’s never drank. Why hide these things? Flipping out is not how I usually react so it’s not like he’s hiding it knowing I’ll flip out. I dunno I just wouldn’t ever call someone else my husbands pet name.
I wouldn’t consider babe or Bub a pet name specific to you. I know lots of guys who use it with every female they interact with.
You know lots who do, this may not be normal for her other half I feel that point is getting lost. I know my husband only uses names(he makes a point of remembering names) so to me if he were to start using pet names(especially his one for me) I would wonder if there was more to their friendship. Even a chick he was living with was called by her name.
Absolutely agree with every point. In fact, my hubby gets me in trouble because I use my terms of endearment for him with our kids and some of my friends (male or female)... I get in trouble because he says he doesn't know who I'm talking to lol... Not because he thinks it's a sign I'm unfaithful or flirting. As for the rest, all of his explanations seem really plausible. I would absolutely not break my family up because my spouse had friends I didn't know that he interacts with when he's away from me. If the hubby didn't have friends there, he'd end up lonely and probably not be able to keep the job.
Yes I think you are being a bit dramatic. It’s perfectly normal to have work colleagues numbers of either sex in your phone and normal to interact and socialise with work colleagues, wether you work away or not.
I think the issue is you feel disconnected from your partner and you feel like he has this life you don’t know much about and aren’t involved in.
This is a sign that you both need to communicate more.
This is a break of trust? Jesus.. you have a wonderful relationship if you are honestly thinking of calling it quits over this. You have absolutely over reacted and I imagine he has reasons to potentially withhold information from you out of fear you react in such a way.
You flipped your shit over a text that said snob. Literally harmless banter and then demanded to go through his phone. The babe thing probably would annoy me a little however granted I know SO many married men who call other women babe, love, princess etc. - nothing in it.
Working in the mines is bloody isolating and lonely, it sounds like he is conforming and maybe heading out to socialise so that he isn't so lonely. And then gets in big trouble for doing so.
He probably doesn't tell you because he comes home and wants to enjoy his normal life and try and spend time with your family/forget what goes on back at work.
Remember, this relationship based on what you said is only going to shit because you became uppity over some very harmless text messages.
I wouldn’t like it my oh called someone else babe, but is it a break of trust? No. Everything else is normal and definitely not something to lose your shit over. You are be way to dramatic
Come on ladies let's be a little supportive. Having your oh work away can take its toll. Hun I would be upset if my husband called someone else babe, he doesn't sound like he is cheating though. But he is your husband and you know him better than anyone here so I would say go with your gut. However if there has been trust issues in the past this is probably why you could be reacting the way you are.
Thank you! I don’t have support so yeah a little would have been nice. And I’ve never had to deal with. I’m just hurt.
I'm sorry you are feeling like this but yes I think you're over- reacting. In regards to the pet name thing - my husband calls me beautiful- doesn't mean he can't use it for someone else because the meaning behind it is different. I call my girlfriends babe, love, honey, my husbands friends use the same terms for me and on occasion also refer to me as 'beautiful' because we are close. When you are living in close quarters with people such as fifo your friendships develop faster than usual. Calling female co-workers babe may be something that is done at that sight and your husband is just following suit.
In regards to the drinking- I don't think he needs to tell you what he is eating and drinking, just because he hasn't drunk before doesn't mean he isn't allowed too. After work drinks in those environments is not unusual and therefore probably not something he thinks of as important to tell you.
Based on the information you have provided I think you have some insecurities about him working away and that you are looking for signs that he is lying to you. If there are other signs that something is amiss then that's different but I personally don't think there is anything wrong with your husbands behaviour.
I feel the drinking is important if drinking is a total behaviour change. Not every household finds alcohol consumption normal. My family find it normal, my husband can't understand the need for it.
Sounds like a boundaries and communication problem. We're not born with the skills to navigate this shit mate, take him along to see a relationship counselor and learn to communicate effectively so you're both on the same page.
No ur not being dramatic...i wouldn't like this BS either!
Nope ex fifo partner , suttles signs double life it's always played down where theres smoke theres fire I do not think your over reacting at all ! Watch closely and you will see your family slowly break down anyhow I know i will get slated but it's TRUE, it starts off like this the not saying anything therefore its not lying if it's not mentioned ! So no she is not over reacting he is being asly dog
He made friends.... That's all. Sheesh. I think on an off day I'd react like the OP did too.... But because I was being insecure or possibly jealous they see him when I miss him or exhausted at managing the kids when he's gone. In this circumstance, if I reacted similarly, it would be my paranoia over reacting rather than him being sly.
I would feel the same my partner has never touched a drop. Wouldn't even go out with me (I am younger)as it's not his scene (even when he was the age I partied) but if I found out on work trips he did, I would probably lose it. Mostly because he wouldn't for me but suddenly for others he would. I would be asking what is he up to and trying to achieve.
Us moving to WA so my partner could work in the mines ruined our relationship. We were together 20 years and have 2 kids. I started seeing similar messages in his phone and long calls to a particular number. He told me I had nothing to worry about and made me feel I was crazy for bringing it up yet he wouldn't stop contact with this particular person. I ended up saying its her or me and moved me and my children interstate. 6 months on and he now admits he is seeing this person......my kids are currently up in WA wuth them for the school holidays so it hurts so much. It hurts more knowing it has been probably going on while I was still there and the lies he fed me to make me seem I was the one who was overreacting.
That is awful. Here you are home raising his babies while he was doing that. What’s selfish bastard. You poor girl.! It does go on a lot in the mines. The mines nearly tore my family apart too, it from cheating but just the life style.
Well working away, they become lonely and isolated. Go with your gut.!! if you think it’s not right, keep snooping and keep any eye on his messages. See if he deletes them and I would feel the same as you. why are they even messaging him!!! I also wouldn’t allow my husband to call another woman babe. that’s odd! You obviously feel something more is going on, you need to go with your gut on this. my husband worked away and he doesn’t have any females numbers in his phone apart from payroll if he ever needed them. I can warn you now, fifo tears families apart. So if you don’t get out when the time is right, it can destroy your family. You need to work out when enough is enough. My husband got out when we knew we had both had enough. We were ready to seperate. It was hard on me being home alone with the kids and it was hard on him being away from us. He has now left and we have never been more happier. Don’t let the job destroy your relationship. It’s so easy to do in that line of work. After all money isn’t everything. There are mines in QLD he is better off working at and closer to home if he has to do it.
I have been the stay at home mum while my partner did DIDO and was uncomfortable until I got to meet the women. They were awesome chicks. I now work at the mines, I have formed some great friendships with married men and i’m now on the other side. I am not game to message or comment on their Facebook page as I know how insecure their partners feel which they shouldn’t because they are some of the most awesome loyal family men I have ever met. Trust me if your partner was one of the sleazy ones the girls would not be so comfortable with him.
Trust your gut. Regardless of all these ignorant commenters saying that you are over reacting.
Your intuition told you what that one word “snob” meant. It’s more than friendship, I get it. Been there, done that. He’s lying, living a double life. Get couples counselling, now!
FIFO puts extra pressure on relationships. I’d imagine the stats of cheating/break ups would be high
Go with your your gut instinct, it doesn’t lie. he will start to feel like a single man over there being isolated. I know I felt like a single mum when my husband was fifo. The mines destroy relationships. Get him to work closer to home.plenty of mines in QLD I’d say he is up to something. I don’t know any man other than my husband who has called me babe. I find that word personal and relationship material. if my husband called another woman babe, I’d be creeped out and wouldn’t trust him either. It’s not normal. Go through his phone and check everything. See if he guards his phone more than usually or act differently. I wouldn’t trust him if this is out of the norm.
Wow, this is full on. You’re getting up him for having friends.
I can understand how you’re hurt about the Language used in the text however I would tell him you don’t like the language he’s using and ask him to stop that as you thought that was a special name for you.
As far as the going to pub for a drink with your reaction to this I’m not surprised his not telling you. Far out. Do you know how hard it is for mine workers. The isolation is tough, they need company to make friends, both male and female.
I honestly think you need to seek some counseling about your lack of trust and reaction here. This is very very controlling behaviour.
Marriage is hard work (15 years together, married 7) so you need to work on yourself and your reactions here. Sounds like he is walking on eggshells and is scared of you. Find a hobby, study, work, do something so you’re not so obsessed with your husband.
She want upset not that he was going to the pub,but because he was lying about it. If he's lying about that then what else??. Trust starts with both parties being open and honest. End of. If he can't be honest then there cannot be any trust.
Trust your intuition on this. You had a gut feeling to check his phone and there was something sus there. At this stage, he has been secretive, which to me is the same thing as lying. He needs robe open and honest with you if it's going to work and if he wants you to trust him. Make sure he is wearing his wedding ring as well.
Been there. Log on to his phone account online and check messages section. You'll see every number that's texted in or out and the date/time. Cross references with his phone and see if his deleted any and to what number. That will give you a clear idea pretty quickly.