Partner of 16years was found having an emotional affair for about year with someone online. It ended a year ago and we had a separation and counselling and agreed we wanted each other. We have made changes in both of us and I feel I can trust him not to happen again as we have learnt some good communication and not just drift apart again. Question is because I seen all the texts, video messages etc ith this other girl I feel quite insecure as the way he spoke to her he has never spoke to me. Eg: she's so beautiful, talented and his soul mate plus more. How to I move past this? Counselling bought up that he changed himself because talk was all they had while I get physical, talk and am actually right here whilst she was not. He basically lived a different almost fantasy life with her without meeting in person. He has never been like that with me, the best compliment I would get is you look nice if I asked him how I look when we go out. I keep comparing "nice" to "beautiful" etc... Do you think it's me simply being jealous and or insecure and how do I move past this or is it because he was genuine with her and is only with me now because we have kids and the life we have is comfortable and she is in another country? Also the other biggest thing was when this happened I have him back my engagement ring when we separated and when we got back together (last October) I told him to give it back when he truly knew he wanted to get married this time and love me enough to fulfil my dreams. He knows I want to get married and we discussed in counselling this was something I needed if we were to be together as I want that commitment from him as well as expressing our love for each other. It's been almost a year and I don't have the ring. Does this mean hes not in love with me anymore and doesnt want to commit? I love him so much, we have been together for so long (I was 16 when we got together and I'm now 34).. sorry it's long winded, I'm just confused by the whole thing..
Added info: I think the wedding part has taken over more then it should in these answers although they have made me see a few things. I'm more focused on the first part of are my feelings valid for feeling jealous/insecure of him not saying as nice things. The wedding thing I was happy being engaged before without a wedding and he knew that but through counselling I realised I wanted more if we were to get back together. I have also spoken to him and he says he does want to marry me but wants to ask me when the time is right so I guess the question now is how long is too long as I'm not waiting years and years since this is not a new relationship
13 Replies
He doesn’t love you and you don’t trust him. Move on
You either stopped coubselling too soon, or this relationship is done.
If he’s been your partner for 16 years and you aren’t married , it’s because it’s of zero importance to him.
It's definitely a half assed effort from him. If I was you I would reassess my willingness to give him another shot. I know initially you just want to save what you have, but now, is he actually good enough for you?
You have been waiting for 16 years for a wedding. Him knowing the whole time that it was important to you. Do t wait any longer! Move on! Be happy!
16 years, plus an engagement, probably to appease you, I think you need to face facts, he’s never going to marry you. Do you want to force someone down the aisle? You need to decide if this is a dealbreaker or not, come to acceptance that you’ll never marry and live with it or move on. I don’t think his feelings have changed because he has never wanted to marry you, for whatever reason that is. I hope things work out, whichever way you go, you deserve to be happy.
OP here.. I think the wedding part has taken over more then it should in these answers although they have made me see a few things. I'm more focused on the first part of are my feelings valid for feeling jealous/insecure of him not saying as nice things. The wedding thing I was happy being engaged before without a wedding and he knew that but through counselling I realised I wanted more if we were to get back together. I have also spoken to him and he says he does want to marry me but wants to ask me when the time is right so I guess the question now is how long is too long as I'm not waiting years and years since this is not a new relationship
Of course it’s valid to feel insecure, he showed her more love with his words, a random on the internet, than you, the person who is supposed to be the love of his life. Those messages proved he can be a loving, romantic person, fantasy/situation or not. Some things can’t be unseen, I don’t think I could ever get over that. To know about an emotional affair versus actually reading the messages, is a very different thing. It’s good you read them, so you know exactly what he is capable of, if he wants to. Honestly, most people would find it hard to come back from that. The hurt you must feel, I can only imagine, your feelings are very valid and normal, you deserve someone who sees you as amazing, special and lucky to have you. I would be reconsidering my future with this guy, sometimes when we only receive bread crumbs from someone, we crave any validation from the person and we become trauma bonded to them. You love him very much, I can’t help but feel you are very much addicted to get any affection/validation from him, this dynamic seems toxic to me.
It’s what the wedding represents. That’s why people have gravitated to it.
Of course you are insecure he has never shown you that type of kindness or flattery.
That’s a hard pill to swallow.
Has that changed since getting back together? If not....
I think you both need to go back to counselling. Issues still aren't resolved, and until they are, nothing will change. You'll secretly resent him about something he thinks isn't even an issue anymore.
I’d feel totally insecure. I’d be an emotional wreck. Don’t doubt yourself. Your feelings are absolutely valid, but I don’t know why you’d want to be engaged or married to a guy who did this to you.
I was with my partner for 16 years. Also from 16 years of age. He never spoke lovingly to me or complimented me. Never proposed. Had 2 kids.
He had an affair and left me. Proposed to her within months and did all the romance with her that he never did with me. Hard truth is, he never loved me enough.
Move on
I've been where you are. You can rebuild your relationship but it takes time and a lot of counselling.
As for the wedding I was straight up with my boyfriend. I told him six months in to our relationship "in five years time I'll be married in my own house with a child. If you're on board with that.... Great. If not, get to steppin and let me find someone better suited".
Five years later we were married in our own home with one son and a daughter on the way.
Hi, firstly I’m sorry this has happened to you.
My husband did this about 6 years into our marriage. I forgave but didn’t forget.
Recently, after 12 years of marriage he had another one that resulted in a full blown affair.
Im sorry, but he will do it again.
Try and find the strength to leave. X