Ok.
I'm probably going to get majorly judged here - I can cope with negative comments but I'm more interested in advice based on, rebuilding trust..
Some of you ladies may remember my post from a few years ago about my husband and my best friend of 23 year's.. They were drunk and she got into our bed, when he finally went to bed he was assuming his wife was laying next to him etc etc.
Fast forward 4 year's and here I am.. What I am now is a far cry from what I was 6 months ago.
6 months ago I was an ice addict and had been since the above situation happened. Prior to that night I had lived in sobriety for 15 years. What he did turned my world upside up down and I went looking to numb my pain - the rest of this story is my fault. Not his.
My ice addiction cost us our family home - the bank repossessed our home. I was in such a deep hole with my using I lied my ass off about money, everything really. I broke the law and I went to Jail. Jail was my ultimate rock bottom but I needed the wake up call. I can proudly say I'm clean and sober again and by the grace of God my marriage and family is still in tact, albeit the marriage is far from perfect now. I'm married to the best guy ever and no matter of his one fuck up...I fucked up more. I did more damage than he did to me emotionally.
We are now working on the marriage whilst living apart.
He doesn't trust me, especially with money. I've got a lot of work ahead of me. I had the time in jail to change myself so after getting out I kind of stupidity thought we'd be on the same page. I just want to make him happy and be proud of his wife again. I don't want to push him but I guess I've been a bit impatient. Being away from him and the kids was hard. Having no human touch was a big thing. I missed kisses and cuddles and he's not there yet nor ready to give me that.
Everybody is different - I get that.
I'm just curious if there is any ladies in my shoes who have had to earn their husband's trust back.
I'd love to hear those types of stories/advice.
I don't need judgement about my using or being in jail. No one is a worse critic than myself on that issue.
Thanks ladies.
19 Replies
I haven’t been in your situation but I have been in your husbands. I didn’t sleep with anybody else but while he was using he did start sleeping with my best friend and got her pregnant. What I can tell you from my experience is, not matter how much the other party appears to be trying to change, an Addict is ALWAYS and Addict, one bad day away from relapse. Trust is so hard to earn back and takes years, it will never be the same again though. You may stay together, but in reality it’s just a face that you will both put on to the rest of the world while being miserable on the inside. You children will know what you have done and will always be doubting you in the back of their minds. Friends, family, employers will always be in the back foot with you. You going to jail changed your opinion on yourself, but would have done very little for the rest of the people in your life. I would never be able to forgive a person for losing my family home.
I guess you aren't my husband in terms of him forgiving me about the house. Not that it matters but we are lucky enough to own another one outright and we weren't homeless. I regret my actions everyday.
Congrats on your recovery. You seem to have great insight into the hurt you caused and have accountability for your own actions.
I haven’t been in your position, but my partner is a recovering addict. For 2 years he lied to me about his drug use, traumatised me and our family, gaslighting, manipulation - you get it!
I don’t trust him with money, I don’t trust him at all to be honest. There are things I wish my partner would do that would help build back that trust, things like drug testing, counselling, open access to bank account (see if he gets cash out), cutting off certain people etc etc.
Have you asked your partner what will help gain his trust? After all you’ve been though there has to be something that will build the trust for him as slow stepping stones. Sadly though and this is being honest, it’s quite likely he will never trust you again 🥺 he will always have doubts and when you do something (behaviour wise) that triggers old behaviour memories it’s highly likely he’ll be thinking you are high again even if he doesn’t say it.
Do you trust him? I wouldn't. I think you need to work on that first before anything else. There's no way he mistook another woman for his wife, maybe for a few seconds but no longer. Deep down you must know that. How can you fight for someone to trust you when you have no trust in them to begin with?
Wow, good on you for recovering and you and your husband staying together through all of this.
My sister was an addict and she burnt our family a lot. Stole money, lied, abused, cheated, stole our items to sell to buy. So whilst not as intimate as your husband, an immediate family member.
We don't and never will trust her, I am really sorry to be brutally honest but we just won't. When she is in our home we lock things in our car, we hide the kids piggy banks, we limit what we have on "show" etc. It's horrible, we know it is, but we know what she has been like in the past and we can't risk our personal belongings or money.
We're so proud of how far she has come but our guard is always up. Our trust can't be earned back in this instance. We know the temptation is too much when it comes to drugs for her.
I would take each day as it comes with your husband, be open and honest and let him have his bad days as you will have your's too.
xx
Nothing wrong with telling your story and being honest.
I never stole like that. I lied my ass off about money. Still bad. Terrible. As stupid as it may sound I still had a moral compass whilst using. Yes, I did stupid shit but I knew there was a line and I came close to it in certain aspects but thankfully my conscience stopped some of my behaviour..
I like the metaphor in which you look at trust as if it were a mirror.
If you break a mirror, it smashes into a heap of pieces. You can glue the pieces back together but the mirror is never whole again, it will never be the mirror it once was.
It will forever show the cracks and damage that breaking it caused.
Breaking trust has the same impact.
Trust was smashed to pieces on both parts here and it set in motion a catastrophic chain of events.
I think at some point you may both need to consider if too much has transpired to actually make this marriage work in a healthy way.
I would focus on continuing on your recovery journey (well done on getting this far already).
There is only so much you can do to prove yourself to another person.
My husband and I live apart too as he was a 20 year ice addict. Throughout our whole marriage and before. We are still together but live apart. He never worked, He stole so much money from me , lied to me , scammed me , had vile mood swings , deliberately damaged my furniture when he was coming down, had his meth friends over all the time around our young son , you name it, he did it . He was never jailed for anything though , but he was forever costing me money in driving offences from speeding to having drug implements on him . We've been apart 3 years and hes been clean 3 years . Our separation scared him sober. He needed therapy for 12 months to help him stop. But he did stop cold turkey . However I still do not trust him . I dont think i ever will . I want to as he's been in recovery and recovered . but i can't let my guard down again. The damage was so extensive that it could take a decade or more for me to just even half trust him . He still lies . A lot . But not about drugs . Lying was a way to cope , to get out of trouble, but he still does it for no reason . It's just habitual now . I hope i trust him again one day , but I'm also convinced I never will . It's a hard road, and harder for the loved ones of an addict as the mental and emotional pain meth addicts put us through run incredibly deep and the scars can be impossible to heal . The trust is often never regained. Good luck though, I genuinely do wish you all the best .
I'm sorry you and your family went through that. I wasn't as bad as that but definitely bad enough. I lied about money. I own my mistakes and only say my truth. I don't hide behind anything anymore. I just want my best friend back. I missed him.
Be proud of your progress. I am struggling to see how you are still a couple if living apart, not touching, lacking trust etc. It sounds like you are separated. But I only have a snippet of information. I agree with the lady that asked if you have forgiven /trust your husband because I agree that there is no way I wouldn't realise the person wasn't my spouse. If you haven't forgiven him, work on that. Beyond that, you might need to accept that he might never be able to completely trust you. But maybe, if you're both committed to moving forward together, you can still be OK eventually. Start by rebuilding your friendship with each other. Good luck... However it pans out.
I've forgiven him for his mistake because it was just that. She on the other hand - that friendship is well and truely ruined. When it happened I felt like two people died I loved with my whole heart. It literally changed the person I was and that's when I started looking to numb my pain. He had a mistake by accident. I chose to hurt him on purpose. That's the difference I guess. I have to live apart from him to stand on my own two feet. It wasnt his decision. We both made that choice and my counsellor agreed. I literally live down the road. We are still a family. Just trying to move past the hurt and move forward. Things are at times a bit raw when we talk.. although what happened was years ago - for me it was only a year ago. The drugs really helped shutting it all out. I asked him if he loved me still his answer was "I wouldn't be here if I didn't love you. I wouldn't put up with your shit". So I guess I'm not a complete waste of space. One thing I can say is.... I love living drug free. Clean mind and soul. It's a beautiful thing. Thanks for.your reply.
You can forgive him but not her? He made a mistake but why is it different for her. You seem very good at shifting the blame. And It doesn’t seem like you take it very seriously at all. Definitely by you reply to the first comment. You were lucky enough to buy another house out right? You? I’m guessing it was your husband that was the lucky one to be able to afford to buy another house for his children after you spent how long taking drugs then in prison? You seem like you want to believe your all better and everything is okay now. But from your reply here about your husband loving you because he puts up with your shit? That’s not love, that’s guilt. Staying because your the kids mother, guilt that he slept with somebody else. Of course he knew it wasn’t you, what a load of shit. He wanted to sleep with her. Definitely doesn’t seem like the relationship was rock solid to begin with.
Because she claimed to have blacked out. But spoke word for word what happened. Therefore not stoping it. Your opinion is your opinion chick.
The house I was lucky to own outright was from my father's estate he left me when he passed away.
Don't push, that's my advice.
My sister was an ice addict for years. She disappeared then came back like nothing happened. It's all a bit joke to her. She calls and massages, asking to talk to her kids, pretending to be a mum again. She thought that we would be happy to have her come back after literally disappearing out of our lives. We are happy she is slowly recovering but it's impossible to forget the lies, the thefts, the sheer pain she put us and her 3 kids thru. She pushed us all too hard and too quickly and after some very unpleasant discussions, she now has to restart, slow down and learn that rebuilding trust will take years, not days.
One day at a time. Slow down. Concentrate on yourself and keeping yourself out of trouble for years to come.
Be consistent. Whatever you have committed to doing to build trust Do. It. Every. Day. All the credit you earn over a period - 6 months or 6 years - will be negated with one action that demonstrates you're not 100% committed. My husband and I are trying to rebuild after huge and varied loses caused by his addictions. I have forgiven enough to be a friend, hold his hand, have meaningful conversations. We may never be intimate again.I don't know. But I do know any walls I drop, go straight back up as soon as he breaks the commitments he has made to me. He seems to think it's ok to 'drop the ball' but it just triggers all the pain over again and I can physically feel myself closing down and protecting myself with anger... Good on you for trying, it is a huge roller coaster.
Thank you
Thank you
Do you have new coping mechanisms when life gets rough?
You can say you’re all good, but your husband probably needs to see how you cope with stress.
To be clean for 15 years and go off the wagon, he will always be waiting for the next time because that’s a long time between drinks.
I think when there are stressful situations, show him how you handle them, doing what the therapists have told you.
I think when he sees how you behave when the chips are down is what will help him trust you again. Like when you have a fight, when he doesn’t agree to something you want etc see how you react and cope. It’s easy to be fine when everything is okay, you seem to have a problem when things are bad.
We all have our poison, whether it be eating, drinking, zoning out on a tablet, binge watching tv, over exercising, smoking cigarettes, it’s just that yours is extremely unhealthy/toxic. Show him you can handle stress in a good way and that trust will rebuild.
What will you do when something bad happens next time? Meditate, go for a run, take a long relaxing bath with a candle, during a fight walk away and calm down, what is your plan?
Let’s say tomorrow he tells you he has met someone and wants to pursue it?
What do you do?
To be honest, I don’t think you should be focusing on him and the relationship at all, you should be focusing on yourself, your sobriety and rebuilding your relationship with your kids. I think you should wait at least another year before tackling an intimate relationship.