My partner and I have been together for 22yrs (we met at 20yrs old) and have 3 kids together. I have always struggled with my low sex drive, we have tried everything to make me get more in-to-it (toys, lot of foreplay & even swinging) but I have little to no interest in sex. I am able to climax but only ever manage to do it with my husband.
It has come to the point where I am so stressed with my hubby wanting sex every 2 days we have made the decision he can seek sex with other women while we stay together but I just don't know how I feel about it. I go from being relieved he won't be bugging me for sex all the time to waiting for the axe to fall when he finds someone better than me. I do love him and enjoy the sex we do have I just don't crave it like he does. Please no judgment I just need experiences from ladies who have been in my position
Open relationship because I am Asexual
Open relationship because I am Asexual
Posted in:
Relationships & Marriage, Mental Health, Anxiety & Depression
23 Replies
It doesn’t sound like you’re asexual, just that you have a lower sex drive than him. I don’t know many women with three kids that want it every day. He shouldn’t be hounding you every two days and you should be able to come to a happy medium. Sounds like it’s what he wants so you’re just giving in to appease him and aren’t really comfortable with the whole thing.
Speak for yourself, I have more than 3 kids and still want it every day with my husband. You might not personally know women with more than three kids who dont want sex very regularly , but I can vouch the opposite. I only know women who have 3kids and want sex all the time . Daily . Including me .
lol there is always one person on here who gets butt hurt when someone says it's common for woman with kids to have a low sex drive. Every time it's brought up, this same person seems to comment as they get really offended...
Many woman with 3 kids have a low sex drive because motherhood is exhausting. It's common. And the reply above isn't helpful for the actual topic of this post
I was thinking the exact same, this does not sound like the OP is A-Sexual. I too could not be assed having daily even second daily sex. Once a week is even a struggle for me but it just means I have a low sex drive (exhaustion, mentally and physically).
Sounds like a recipe for disaster as this is to benefit the husband and not her in the long run.
4 kids sex every day and at least 2 of my friends are the same. Sex every day and twice a day if we can. 2 of the girls could live without it. But the rest of us love a good dicking.
it’s ok to have a lower sex drive. It’s ok to not want to have sex every day. Doesn’t your fella have a hand that he could sort himself out with? Also I’d probably go with.
“You can utilise prostitues, but I’d rather you not go out searching for someone” over the finding someone and making a connection with the issue arising of him meeting someone else and possibly running off with them leaving you holding the baby kind of problems that I think will arise from your situation.
Please don’t agree to something if you aren’t comfortable. Ensure hubby has had a vasectomy, he uses condoms and always has them on him and is STD checked every month. Becasue there would be no way I’d be getting back in the sack with my OH if he was out fucking Random chicks becasue I don’t want to have sex every day.
Omg to the OMG I am a love me some doodle every day :/ just like you want to jump on it there are many who don’t.
If you both love each other and want to stay together but you have no desire to have the intimacy that sex brings then an open relationship could work. You may be asexual or just have a very low sex drive, either way he shouldn’t have to live a celibate life because that works for you. He may find someone else, somebody that he connects with and that can give him what he is missing or he may just find a nice lady to share a good time with. But you won’t know until either situation happens
Honestly, I think this is a recipe for divorce. If you were OK with it, you wouldn't be feeling the dread you describe.
Have you tried him carrying the mental load of the daily running of household, finances and kids?
And what would that help
Won't waste my time if it's just a random looking to closed mindedly argue.
If it's OP legitimately asking I'm happy to explain.
Surely it’s obvious! Because if he takes some of the mental load and stress she maybe less exhausted and more into being intimate 🤦🏼♀️
She isn’t complaining about being tired, she is saying she has always had a low sex drive, so I would assume even before they had kids. This isn’t a new thing, it’s something they have been dealing with for 20+ years. Plenty of mothers still want to be intimate with their partner. Having kids doesn’t kill your sex drive, lack of wanting to be intimate does
That’s where your going wrong your assuming!
Fatigue, stress, exhausted, depression all definitely CAN affect sex drive consciously or subconsciously! We are not talking about all mothers.
We are talking about this mother! And it is offering her a valid reason for why her sex drive maybe low.
Saying it can’t be the reason because other people do it all and have great sex lives is not helpful!
the stupid ones are always quickest to speak up
If you gave him permission to seek elsewhere, may I suggest a sex worker? As there is no risk of him running off with her , its purely a business transaction. That way you might feel that bit more secure knowing hes still coming home to you .
I don't mean to question your sexuality but I do wonder if Asexual is the right category to place yourself in.
It really just seems as though you both have really different sexual needs.
Have you guys considered some relationships counselling and maybe even some couples sex therapy?
I feel like that would be worth trying before considering other options.
I just tend to think that you even posting here means you aren't truly comfortable with an open relationship type of arrangement.
There is no way I’d agree to this. I’d be trying marraige counselling first.
This situation won’t be fixed by your husband sleeping with other women, just like it wasnt fixed by toys and swinging!
If this happens, it will eat you up inside. Open relationships can work, but it takes certain people with the right mindset and emotional state for them to work, and even then they get very messy at times (people don’t always follow there own rules, unplanned pregnancies etc).
You don’t sound like an open relationship type person at all.
This is dangerous territory. I think the theory and realty of this might be worlds apart. Do not go ahead if your not comfortable and i would see a professional first.
I’m also Asexual. You’re married already so it’s very different to me. I have been in relationships with people who had sex drives and it was always bad. I’ve been cheated on and I’ve been made to feel bad because I don’t want sex despite them knowing I was Asexual going into the relationship. I’ve now got a partner of five years with a low sex drive so I’m comfortable keeping up with his libido because it’s only once a fortnight.
Finding a partner like this won’t work for you because you’re married. My only advice would be is there a middle ground you can find? With us my partner knows that I may want to stop even if we’re both a second away from sex and he respects that. Because of this I’ve resolved to always try to return his affection if he starts kissing and beginning foreplay. I find it a little easier to go through with sex if my body is aroused. These compromises work for us because he knows that I’m going to try for him and I know I’m safe to stop at any point.
As for the open marriage, they only work if both parties are comfortable with it. I would not be and I too would be worried about being replaced. It’s hard being Asexual because sexuality is so ingrained in our society that it’s an expected form of intimacy.
I wish you luck in your relationship.
I’m a woman who is pregnant with my 4th child and suffers constant morning sickness and babies who don’t sleep and a mountainous mental load.
And my sex drive is still easily triple hubbys.
It’s hard when sex drives don’t match up.
But just as you are not wrong to have your feelings and wants and needs, neither is your hubby. He is just as allowed to want and need what he does same as you, same as anyone.
I don’t think venturing outside the relationship is something I could do or handle if hubby did it.
But for me when we don’t match up I just please myself.
I don’t want to pressure hubby because then it becomes a chore for him which takes the love out of it, I could never step out of the relationship because to me marriage is only something between us two.
So I go without for as long as needed until he is ready and when that’s too long for me I sort myself out.
Compromise is key here I believe, finding a happy medium, you have lasted 20 years like this so surely there is a way to make it work.
Also for anyone suggesting he should just suck it up and accept your sex drive. That works both ways, if he needs to accept hers she needs to accept his. The emotional, mental and self esteem issues that come result from not being “wanted” by your other half are real and can be very detrimental to a relationship.
At times during my marriage my husband has been the biggest sex pest he could go everyday....but for me it can depend on many factors hormones, have heaps of house work, stressed etc etc ! There have been times when I have been frustrated and joked and said we need to find you someone else to have sex with so you stop bothering me! Immediately he cries NOO! I only want you! (Which is lovely) our sex drives not being in sync is both our problems. Our love language is different his is touch and mine is acts of service.... we had to actively make an effort to speak each other’s language at times, he started doing more around the house, and I had to actively remember to show affection to him (which is difficult given my background) it’s not always perfect and yes he can still be a sex pest but there is a mutual respect and understanding of one another’s needs, communication is important and it’s not simply one persons problem, if your made to feel it’s all on you it isn’t! If you don’t want this don’t do it, I think you should both attend a few counseling sessions to get the communication flowing.....
I can relate completely. I don’t think I’m a-sexual though, I just have a low sex drive and it always causes problems with my partners. I’ve been to the doctors and begged them to help me but they just refer me to a psychologist like its a psych problem, but I’m not convinced. Unfortunately I don’t have any advice because I’m in a similar boat (I did at one stage even consider your solution of an open relationship for him just to get him off my back!), but I can certainly relate. And to be honest it doesn’t sound like your husband is very supportive!