Hi, having difficulties with how to help my 10 yo.
I separated from her father 3.5 years ago.
Her father and I agreed to 50/50 custody and have had a court order made to reflect this and what happens on special days such as Christmas, Easter etc.
Her older sister 13 yo, loves coming ‘home’ and spending her week with us and her 4 step-siblings.
Miss 10yo has expressed she doesn’t like being here and doesn’t like my partner nor her step-siblings and wants to be with her Dad 100% of the time. She says she loves me.
My 13yo is the opposite and would like her time to be 100% with me.
Not sure what to do ??!! I don’t like her being upset 😢 but we have court orders that cost over 20k and 18 months to get put into place ...
Miss 10yo says she has panic attacks as she has no one to chat with since our beloved dog Olive died last Christmas, this being my partners dog, but her confidant .
We have 3 other dogs, plus lambs, chooks, pig and cat for her to chat to at our house plus a puppy at her dads but she says it’s not the same.
She has been to a psychologist to address her OCD issues but she said she doesn’t want to go back as she didn’t like the doctor even though she helped.
Is she trying to get her own way and manipulate the situation or is she crying out for my attention ??!!
At a loss at what to do ....
Miss 10yo doesn’t want to live with me anymore
Miss 10yo doesn’t want to live with me anymore
Posted in:
Kids
9 Replies
Is it possible she feels sorry for her dad? Kids sometimes worry about the parent that they perceive as lonely.
Your house does sound very busy and full. Does she get 1:1 time with you? Is she the kind of child who prefers a different atmosphere to the one your home offers?
Manipulating/ crying out for attention, same same. If the behaviour or thoughts are unhealthy she needs help. Hating her family and feeling alone are terribly extreme feelings. I would reinforce that neither is getting 100% anywhere because they have 2 parents who love them very much. I would prioritise getting her help, whether that's at her dad's while she spends more time there, I'm not sure, I'm sure the psych will help you work through it.
She’s been used to being 1 of 2, now she’s 1 of 6, that’s a pretty massive change.
I’m an introvert, as a child loved spending hours in my room alone and I had one sister who I also, obviously played with as well.
Had my parents divorced and I ended up with a step dad and four more siblings, it would have be my absolute nightmare. Thinking about the situation as an adult makes me anxious. If dad only has her and her sister, if I were her, I would much prefer that environment too. Jut being honest. Obviously your 13 year old is happy, but we are all wired differently and I can honestly see her point of view. When I visit family for holidays and there’s a house full of people, by the end I’m ready to leave, back to my calm. I would find it extremely stressful to live in such a full house 50 percent of the time. I would let her live with dad, if there aren’t any safety/care issues and come visit you guys on the weekend, maybe for the day and then she can leave, go back to her quiet space. It may be hard for her, but she is obviously struggling, I would test it and see how it goes.
I also don’t think the money you spent on court she never be a consideration, your child’s happiness is worth more than all the money in the world.
You might also find when you get her out of that environment with all the kids and animals, her OCD diminishes, as she will be less stressed, more relaxed.
Why doesn’t she like your partner and his children? Do his kids live there full time? Do you get to spend 1:1 with her? Your home seems really busy and she might not feel settled. If she would be happier living with her father and came to spend time with you on weekend ect would it be that bad?
Her little life has changed a lot in 3.5 years. Has dad moved on too? Maybe it’s more that she does get lots of attention atvdads cause she doesn’t share him. This is not a reflection on her love for you. More maybe her need for things not to be so different.
It may also be a phase. I’m not sure that I would do anything yet. Maybe take her to see someone and let them guide you. Find out what would make her more comfortable in your home.
Personally I think 50/50 care is cruel on children. I understand both parents love their child and want time with them but maybe the parents should be the ones to change house holds on a weekly basis!
She is absolutely crying out for your attention! She already has some anxiety/OCD challenges and in 3.5 years. Her parents seperating and mum bringing in a new partner and 4 kids is a lot!
I don’t think she is being manipulative she is a little soul who doesn’t like the environment you have created. Is it possible you can swap when you have your partners kids so you can have more time with her?
Before you spent 20k and 18 months fighting over custody, did anyone actually take the time to talk to her about her preferences and how she felt about things.
Just speaking from experience, kids can feel such a huge lack of control over their lives in custody disputes. I can remember feeling more like I was just another possession that my parents were arguing over, rather than a person (albeit a small one) who was coping with all the big feelings associated with the separation/divorce.
Sometimes parent's are so hyperfocused on what they want in these situations they unintentionally overlook what their child needs.
I really think the 50/50 arrangement may not be working for her.
She struggles with OCD and anxiety, generally speaking kids with such conditions cope much better with routine and stability, hers is currently thrown off kilter periodically after every certain amount of days. I would not at all be surprised if that's adding to her anxiety.
She has faced huge adjustments in her short life.
A separation, 2 different homes, a new step father and 4 step siblings.
That would take a while to wrap her head around.
When kids say "I don't like this person...", sometimes they don't mean that, they just struggle to articulate what they actually mean, reading between the lines I'd hazard a guess this is what she means:
"I don't like that there's lots of people around".
"I don't like that I don't get as much time with my mum".
"I don't like all these changes".
So my advice.
Reasses the custody arrangement - more time with dad may be exactly what she needs at the moment!
Don't take anything personally!
Get her back to the doctor, taking care of her mental health is going to be a lifelong deal, she's really not old or mature enough to decide she doesn't need/want to go back.
Acknowledge that she doesn't like it but explain that it's absolutely essential.
Most importantly, listen to her and make sure she feels heard. And remember that whatever is in her best interests always trumps money spent on court ordered arrangements.
A few things to consider -
- She has gone from a family of her two parents together and her other sibling all being one.
- Then in such a quick timeframe (from a kid's perspective), mum has a new partner and 4 new kids are living in her "space".
When she is at your home, does she have to share a bedroom with anyone? Prior to the split, did she have her own bedroom? At dad's, does she get her own as opposed to at yours? What have you done to work through the relationship with your new partner and step-siblings? How was she introduced to them and was it prior to you having 50/50 care or after? Does she see your relationship with the step-kids and get jealous? Does dad have a new partner?
Forget the $20k you spent, that is between you and her dad and NOT between the kids. Her happiness should be first and foremost.
About the animals, just want to bring to your attention that pets are as unique as people, they aren’t just replaceable with another. Your daughter is obviously a sensitive soul and sometimes less sensitive people don’t get it, these types of kids are unique and don’t just join the “bunch”. They also generally need time in a quiet, low stress environment. Her OCD/anxiety is a manifestation of her little world being out of kilter with what she needs. I was extremely lucky that my mum “got me”, understood I was a little different to the others and treated me as such.