I’m so incredibly hurt atm,
My partner and I live with his parents while we save for a house
Tonight I was cooking dinner and realised I ran out of something I needed so I asked my partner nicely 3 times to go to the shops to grab it and he said no and kept playing on his phone so I got up him
He then decided to go to the shops however his dad walked in when I got up my partner and decided he would start yelling at me telling me to ask nicely, and maybe I should just go to the shops myself. I tried to explain I had asked nicely and that I was still cooking dinner, he dad just kept going on and on about how I shouldn’t expect my partner to do things if I’m not gonna ask nicely
None ky mother in law was in the kitchen the whole time and heard everything and after my father in law stormed outside after succeeding in making me cry she went and told him that actually I did ask nicely a few times and that I was frustrated and that I didn’t deserve what he had done.
Now I’m upset that one my partner reckons he didn’t know I wanted him to say something to his dad and two I’m upset his dad refuses to apologise he reckons I should have just left the dinner cooking and gone to the shops and that I must have been wrong cuz I cried. And now I’m in even more trouble because I haven’t come out of our room all evening and haven’t joined in family board game night (I’m still feeling quite hurt and upset)
Should I just say I’m wrong to keep the peace? I don’t think I deserved to be yelled at and made to cry over all this actually over a bottle of sauce
18 Replies
Aw I hope things are better for you tomorrow! You have every right to be upset
I can understand why you are upset. Sometimes you just have to be the bigger person and let something go though.
I’d be intending to wake up in the morning and act as if nothing happened and enjoy your day.
I absolutely understand while your upset! fIL needs to go back the 50s 🤦🏼♀️
I’d hit him with how about I don’t cook.. but I’m immature like that!
Yeah he's out of order. But you're living in his house, and if you werent this kind of issue wouldnt be any of business, so I kind of agree. Go out there and make peace. In your head keep counting down until.you move out.
I’d be moving out pronto. Marriage in 2019 requires team work! If Hubbys going to act like a lazy defiant teenager while you live in his parents house.. your marriage is in danger..
Do not apologise! He went off half cocked and carried on. I wouldn’t care if it was his home or not. You can be civil and move on but don’t apologise for anything
I'd have told them all to go fuck their board game night!
FIL doesn't get to completely demoralise you, act like he didn't behave out of line and then complain that you don't want to interact with everyone like shit didn't all just blow up because of a bottle of sauce his son was too lazy to go buy.
Yeah, it's "his house" but that gives him no right to disrespect you like that. I'd be demanding an apology or at least an acknowledgement that he upset you.
Second issue - your partner is a pussy. Instead of saying "Actually, Dad, she's already asked me nicely a few times now. I'll just go get the sauce." he was happy to sit back and watch you get ambushed by his dad and then has the audacity to say he didn't know you wanted him to come to your aid? Puh-lease....
Time to get used to standing up for yourself babe, because he clearly won't! I'd also be thinking it's time to move out!
Edit to add:
Also, your MIL should have stepped in if she saw all this transpire!
She could have told her son to stop being a lazy sod (that's what I'd have done).
She could have offered to go get the sauce or watch dinner while you did?
She should have spoken up while her husband was going off his tits, not mentioning the how it all went down after the fact (no way would i allow my husband to speak to our daughter in law like that).
So i get the feeling both she and your partner are scared of your father in law, i also think it spunds like your partner is begining to follow in the footsteps of his dad.
Just keep that in mind.
Couldn’t agree with this more! What a lazy arse of a partner and the in laws sound delightful. Images how they are going to act when kids are brought into it.
Why is it the Mils job to interfere and take over? Maybe they cook separately? This was not the mils fault at all, I like that she stayed out of it until the fil decided to say something. Shows she is not interfering. They are adults they can sort their own shit out without Mummy having to get involved.
Look, I lived with my inlaws when my partner and i were young. This sort of shit used to happen all the time to me. My FIL would throw his weight around like this and my MIL would just sit there meekly and watch it all happen. Then not 5 minutes later it was all happy families again and anyone who was still reeling was the irrational one. It's a real mind fuck to live like that!
So I admit, maybe I'm reading more into this based on my own experiences and maybe they were all just having a bad day and ended up rubbing each other the wrong way.
However i still stand by most of what i said.
1. FIL was out of line. He owes OP an apology. End of!
2. MIL isn't the reason this all blew up but she could have tried to difuse the situation. Sure, offering to watch dinner or go get the sauce isn't something she HAD to do but it would have been a nice offer.
At the very least i really do beleive she should have said something whilst her husband had his little tirade (not waiting til he was done), all she had to say was something like "love, you've got the wrong end of the stick. Let's leave these two to sort it out".
I'm sorry but i think it shows a real lack of moral fibre to sit back and watch someone get wrongly blasted like this to the point person on the receiving end is in tears. And again, that applies to OPs partner too, who whilst I'm at it owes OP an appology too for the above reason and being deliberately unhelpful with dinner.
3. When you live with people long enough, pleasantries slip and true colours come out. It really is wise to pay attention to this dynamic because in many cases its a glimpse into the future. In this case, it's easy to see a family who don't communicate or deal with conflict well.
Ok but if they see it differently and you make your stand, how are you going to keep living in their house?
Your right. True colours do start to show. Perhaps dad is concerned with how when the OP doesn't get what she wants she isn't nice. After all, we have nothing indicating he said anything horrible other than the poster saying she cried. She says he kept saying she needs to speak to his son nicely over and over. Maybe he's right???
Ok so it specifically says that FIL yelled at her and went on about it, not allowing her to explain her side of things. Even MIL mentioned afterwards that OP didn't deserve the serving her just gave her.
I'm just going off what's written here but that suggests to me that FIL was very much in the wrong!
OP was very clearly alredy feeling frustrated with her partner's insolence, it also doesn't say she yelled at her partner it days she "got up him", which is open to interpretation but to be honest i think is kind of justified after having asked pleasantly already 3 times. If i have to ask my partner a 4th time to do something very simple like this, my niceness is gone. You'd be hard pressed to find any person that would not find such behaviour irritating.
OP was obviously left feeling attacked and unsupported after this whole incident, i think that's pretty valid!
What she chooses to do now is up to her but i know i would not be looking to live in this house much longer and I'd be nothing more than civil until i moved out.
So I wonder if FIL had previously asked OP to ask nicely because apparently that means his outburst was justified.
Actually this is the first time my fil has asked me to ask nicely to my partner as my partner and don’t normally row
I have been sick all
Week, working full time and was just frustrated.
Personally I would have just cooked without it. I make odd meals because I'm half way through cooking and realise I'm missing a vital ingredient. Hubby has usually cracked a beer so I don't ask him to drive and I'm exhausted when I finish work. No way am I going out. So tell the family dinner was an experiment. Kids groan, hubby laughs at my creations but we all eat it... Even if it sucks. So I guess I think if you've asked and he clearly doesn't want to, just let it go if it's not so important you'll turn the stove off and go yourself. 2.i think your boyfriend could have gone to the shops but he doesn't have to so yelling at him isn't faultless. 3. I think his dad probably reacted to what he saw and that he should have taken on board that you had asked nicely but that doesn't negate the fact that he obviously didn't like you talking to his son like that. 4. If the mum didn't defend you then and there, I'd say she didn't like the way you spoke either but that she talked to him after to try smooth things over a bit. Sooooo.... I think everyone holds some blame personally. I also totally understand that you needed time out... But if they wanted to move past it and have fun, I understand them thinking you're sulking by staying in your room. So again, no one is clearly right/wrong.
If all he saw was you coming into the room yelling at your partner to go to the shops then I can understand his reaction. I think you need to apologise to your husband for yelling at him, husband needs to apologise to you for ignoring you and FIL needs to apologise to you for getting involved. Then MIL needs a bit of acknowledgement for trying to be the peacemaker. Then you and hubby should probably hurry up and move out.
"Now I'm even in more trouble..." who with? You don't need permission to have time out and you don't get in trouble for not doing what others want. That said, you got up your partner.. he could of decided not to go at all which is his decision, but he did. Your partner got trouble from you for not doing what you wanted, but it worked out. It's important to learn that every person must decide for themselves what they will or won't give and what they will or won't tolerate. You can only control your choices and also you can choose whether you take your father in laws judgement as well. Do you have the capability to just write it off? To just carry on now? If it's important for you to stand up for yourself then do that, but in this situation I would move forward and move around the house as needed, avoid what you need to if needed. You said you're incredibly hurt atm. Look at that a bit more, what are you hurt at? Being spoken to out of line? Partner not defending you? Being made out to be wrong when you weren't?
A few years ago, there was a family blue, my dad was being way irrational, out of line, speaking crap to mum who was trying to stop him going after one of my brothers. It wasn't good but I was involved in trying to calm it down. He was so out of line, I was so disturbed by his behaviour. I was living with my parents at the time, myself husband and 2 kids before we moved into our own place again. I couldn't even fathom talking to him, so I lived there for another 6 months and didn't talk to him. He knew, he never apologised and he should of.
There is a way to live with others even if you don't agree. You choose your boundaries, you respect others. If they have conditions that you must participate in board games ect, then yes it's time to move out. It is weird when you live in these different family dynamics and behaviours. It's wrong that he treated you poorly. I would be looking at your partner and what he is doing to rectify it, if he is of an idiotic mind that he isn't getting involved even though his actions were a cause of the fiasco, look at this as a sign of things to come. They seem small and petty, and not big enough to end relationships over, it's normal that stuff goes wrong, it's how it's dealt with after that shows where it will go next time something similar comes up.
I’d let it go. You live with them and they are helping you. I won’t live the way my mother wants so have never lived with her after moving out at 16(even when we needed it in my 20’s) as it wouldn’t work. We are great but her house her rules.