Help.. Please be kind as I am very emotional.
I am a mum and a step mum.
I do it all the school runs and cooking. Partner works shift work and I have been happy do it as we also have a baby and I am home. I have supported 50/50.
Now I have been diagnosed with a serious illness. It requires me to get a hysterectomy and may need treatment if it doesn't fix it,
So I asked my ex to move to 70/30 while I start this process. I am sick and exhausted. I have put my baby in daycare.
Partner asked his ex if he could do 70/30 explaining the situation. She agreed for a term and then sent him a binding child support agreement saying he will never be allowed to ask her for child support ( he can but he never has) and that if he died I would take 50/50 and be bound by her rules on no child support from her. My guess is her income has gone up and she is worried he will claim child support.
He got legal advice and they said do not sign it. You can't predict the next 10 years.
She has now said sign it or I won't do 70/30. I can't let him sign it so tomorrow I have to go pick up his kids.
I know it's not their fault but I am so upset and angry. There is no one else to help with his girls they go to school near their mum 30 mins from us.
If I don't do it he would have to take time off work.
I am dreading picking them up tomorrow. It's been so hard to move my own kids to 70/30 and now I am will be with his more than my own.
I am also so angry that she was fine to do it and then used it as a bargaining tool.
I have been in tears today. I had planned to be able to do all the doctors appointments and now I am stuck. I have time limits as I have to drop to school and pick up.
I can't change it... I guess I just needed to talk about it as the illness took my mother from me when I was 10 and I am so scared and I don't know how I will be with his children when I am so all over the place.
Thanks for listening.
8 Replies
Sounds like she's more worried he'll like less time and more money and she's not about to get into that position for doing you guys a favour.
Ok interesting I never thought of that. I guess we are looking at chemo and so I didn't really see how she could see it as him enjoying his time .. But good to hear how she might see it. She earns more than him but he doesn't claim child support and has no intent to... But signing the agreement says he never will no matter what the care percentage. He was told not to sign it as what if he had 70/30 to him and she was not paying.. You can't predict the future. He did suggest a clause saying as long as care is 50/50 no child support will be claimed but she said no
Sorry I didn't mean to be insensitive to what you're going through. I meant wanting it when it wasn't needed and her having no say.
Or perhaps she's concerned she's just started making income while he's having more babies and a partner that won't be working... there's always two sides and lots more than is written, she's not necessarily a piece of work just for worrying about covering herself.
I agree don't sign your life away, I'd be more tempted to sign something for a year, seems like she's wanted this and felt now is the time to ask, but put simply, you don't need to sign that to change the arrangement for a short time, 2 separate matters.
Sounds like a very hard situation for you but I think at this point as hard as it is you need to prioritise your health. I think he needs to have another talk to her and maybe give her more details- I can't see how a loving mother would be so cold and quite frankly if she is only worried about her money then she needs a reality check on how this is going to impact her kids! I can't imagine the kids are going to enjoy seeing you be so unwell all the time and seeing you struggle to care for them. I also think your husband needs to get further legal advice and maybe look at a formal care arrangement with or without child support involved because she shouldn't be using the children as a bargaining tool.
Gosh, what a horrible situation to be in! What sort of mother wouldn’t want full custody of there kids if there dad died? That’s so weird of her! She sounds like a piece of work.
Personally I’d be putting the children in before/after school care as often as you can. You need to look after you, and if dad was a single dad who worked a 9-5 job, that’s what he’d have to do. If they were with mum, I’m sure they’d be in after school and before school care too.
If this is a long term health situation for you, your partner is going to have to get realistic and look for work close to home. I know it’s not ideal, I’ve had to change jobs/quit work multiple times to meet my sons health/medical needs.
I’m sorry this is going on, I’m hugely empathetic and I know it’s not fair, but sometimes you just have to face the practicalities.
Get him to claim child support by collection, my partners ex earns more than him and he has majority of care. She is made to pay and it is like the end of the world for her, I hate this attitude where it is typically a man that pays and women don't. Make her pay and I guarantee she will be very keen on the idea of 70/30. Partners ex also decided to have the kids more once she had to start paying child support.
Turn it around on her, tell her that now you will have to claim Child Support to help with care costs for the kids while Dads at work because you can't do it.
This!! I was just thinking the exact same thing as I read your story. If she wants to make it about money then do it!
I'd also point out that she might need help one day, for any reason, but won't get it if she won't show the same compassion now.