Needing a wake up call.
My partner is the greatest thing to happen to me and my son. I met him as a single struggling mum with nothing to my name. We now have two sons. He provides, supports, is hands on with parenting and house work, perfect in all ways except one.
He has an extreme addiction to alcohol, when he has his week off with fifo (drinks every night after work too) **edit- sorry i should have added he doesn't drink during the day at work of course and will limit his drinking after work, almost like two different worlds.
He will start his day with full strength beers at 10am sometimes earlier sometimes later depending on what hes doing, will drink all day until bourbon time and then finish the night off with a bottle or more of wine. He hasn't gone a day without alcohol in the 7 years weve been together and has been drinking EVERYDAY since he was 20 (now 40) heavy smoker also.
When he drinks or is drunk he doesn't become nasty or argues and still is hands on as a parent and helps out, is a great partner.
I'm so worried about his health, and what this will do to him. He knows he has a problem and wants to cut down but it almost seems impossible for him to stop, he tried and is almost like a drug withdrawal, sweats, shaking etc.
I don't want to watch him die, how can i wake him up and help him. Guess im after personal experiences of what has worked if you've been in this situation. Please help I have no idea how to help him change.
8 Replies
My ex is an alcoholic.
1. Yes, stopping cold turkey means he will go into withdrawals (shakes, sweats, panic attacks, and often seizures).
2. If he wants to stop drinking it needs to be under medical supervision.
3. Unless he never ever drives he is driving over the limit 90% of the time he drives. Don’t let him drive you anywhere or the kids anywhere. He may look ‘fine’ to drive, but it catches up and doesn’t mean he isn’t over the limit and a danger.
4. He is doing long term damage to his brain cells and liver. He is putting himself at higher risk of cancer, scerosis and brain damage and kidney damage, heart disease and death by accident.
5. Both of you are damaging your children and there futures because what they witness they think is normal and they have a very high chance of being alcoholics as adults because they think drinking that much is normal.
6. If he won’t get help you have to stop accepting this behaviour by staying. You have to do that for your boys. It’s hard, it’s sucks, but children come first and it’s not ok to normalise this situation for your children.
7. If he wants help to stop he needs to go to a detox centre in your area. He needs to make the phone call himself, they won’t accept referrals because he has to want to do it enough he is prepared to ask for help. Numbers are in the yellow/white pages from memory.
I just want to ask... really?? He's hands on and totally fine when he's drunk? I can't help think this is not entirely true. Me and my friends are lovely no drama drunks too, it's still not appropriate for our kids to see and hear once a week after they're in bed, let alone daily while we're actually parenting.
Agreed! I think OP is too close to this situation to see things objectively.
You cannot parent at the best (or even appropriate/safe) level if you are in a perpetual state of drunkenness.
OP. This is where I'd be drawing up the ultimatum. Either get some professional help for his alcoholism or I'd be leaving until he got his shit together. You can kick, scream and beg but it will fall on deaf ears. Your actions need to speak now.
Your kids don't need to grow up with this as their normal.
Yes I think she needs to see more wrong with it first, she doesn't want to because she wants to compromise to stay. It can not be a fulfilling relationship for you and don't you fear what exposing your children to this will do to them.
Does he get drug / alcohol tested through work? Does he drive? I feel it’s only a matter of time before he loses his licence or potentially his job. You can only be a ‘functioning’ alcoholic for so long.
High functioning alcoholic. This was my husband, we moved country and he was able to stop. Relocation is 80% effective to help with removing triggers ect.
OP is in some kind of denial still even though she is acknowledging the alcoholism. OP: This is affecting kids more than you are saying. I told my husband I was leaving for good, had already left twice and came back to work through it. He knew I was done and came with me. Sobriety brings all kind of uglies as well. Being drunk he is seperate from his true feelings about himself, can function using this safety mechanism, being sober handled life differently, lack of skills (emotional) presented. It’s taken years for my kids to transition and trust him , they felt unsure of him when his “normal” changed because his behaviour changed also even though it was for the better it still caused them to feel unsafe. A therapist said to me what if you don’t like him sober?! I was shocked at that possibility, and at first I didn’t like him sober. At all. He was needy, moody, childish. Recovery takes a lot of time and a lot of observation, standing back, waiting it out. It’s been 4.5years and I am also finally recovering from the chronic stress his alcoholism brought. Some kind of program is advised otherwise cold turkey has risks and also can lead to white knuckling. My husband didn’t do a program and should of. I have gotten therapy to support myself, to get out of being co-dependent. You also need a good therapist to help you recover, I imagined you’re enmeshed with this and have created a lot of unhealthy coping mechanisms to function as a family, some you probably give credit to him for. You are probably overcompensating for him in ways you’re not aware of, it helps you justify your reason to live with this. Just because he is a passive alcoholic, not aggressive doesn’t mean he isn’t doing harm. It’s hard to watch but you need to seperate yourself from how you interact with his drinking. If you’re doing things to be hyper vigilant, stop that, if you’re planning your life around his capability, stop that. The best thing you can do is to get support for yourself, get help yourself and live your life with less of his alcoholism governing it and he may follow suit.
My husband work FIFO it was the worst thing for his health and drinking . He used to drink so much because he had the longer break off. He has just given up FIFO and is drinking much less now working a normal everyday job. FIFO isn’t easy on them and I think looking at his job is a start.
My husband also limited his drinking after work but on his week off he drank so much more. I don’t think he even realised how much he was drinking. I think having your husband home working a normal daily job would benefit so much. The fifo life is hard and depressing on them. He is probably covering in some way being depressed living away from home and all the rest of it that comes with FIFO life. It isn’t easy on them and it isn’t easy on us.