I am currently here crying as I feel so sad for my daughter. She is in a group of 8 girls at school (primary school age). She had a birthday party at the end of last year in which she invited all 8 girls. 4 of these girls have since had their own birthday parties. Out of these four, 2 have have not invited my daughter (but have invited everyone else in the group). She still plays with these girls everyday and says there is no conflict. She is devastated that she has now been left out twice.
I am at a loss as to why this is happening and how to explain this to my daughter. I understand parents have budget constraints and that parties can get expensive but both parties have been 'at home' or 'low-cost activity' type parties where adding an extra person would not add much. I struggle as a parent to understand how another parent can leave out a child like this as it would break my heart doing this to another child.
I am now spending the school holidays with an upset child who knows they will have to return to school hearing all the 'fun' things the other kids did at the party. I am trying to distract her by doing lots of fun things over the holidays but i know it still eats away at her.
12 Replies
See, i wouldn't allow my kids to sit around feeling sorry for themselves in this scenario.
Out of a potential 8 friends, only 4 had parties and only 2 didn't invite her, not to be insensitive but - oh well, life goes on! Of course it's normal to feel a bit jealous and disappointed but I wouldn't pander to her and let her linger on these feelings, that's not going to do her any good!
I have made it understood since my children started school that:
A. You will not be invited to every single party, that's just how it is.
B. Just because you invited little Timmy to your party doesn't mean Little Timmy has to invite you if/when he has a party. And that goes both ways too, i dont make my children invite kids out of the obligation to reciprocate.
Chances are it was either:
A budgetary constraint.
A headcount limit - I think we forget that kids have a life outside of school. Many kids would have cousins, family friends or friends from extra curriculars that they'd want to invite.
Or maybe out of the group, your daughter just isn't quite as close with these 2 particular kids and there's nothing wrong with that.
You just have to learn to not take it personally.
This is a great response- exactly what I was going to say! This is a perfect time to teach her some resilience and to be honest there is another week of holidays to go so I wouldn't be surprised if it has been long forgotten by the time she gets back to school.
Actually I would tell her to ask the girl. If they're close friends that play daily, the yh should.feel a need to explain to her why everybody else except her is going. I would be wary that she is the one being used and not appreciated in the group, it's better to work it out and find real friends.
Don't tell her how to feel, she feels sad and left out and that's very valid in this circumstance. Now talk her through ways to work through it and options that she has.
This is perfect opportunity for you to help her build resilience.
Can I tell you if I heard that one of my daughters friends demanded to know why she wasn’t invited- not a chance that child would be invited again.
To be invited is a privilege not a right or an expectation due to past invites.
Completely agree!
I don't think teaching your kid to demand an explanation out of people in such circumstances is the best idea, not to mention it puts the primary school aged birthday kid in an extremely unfair position!
If they were lower years I would agree, but it it sounds like upper years and they are in a group. There is nothing wrong with asking why you were left out, it is not demanding an explanation out of people. Talking is how unresolved issues get resolved.
Actually I think inviting all in a friendship group except one is what puts them in an extremely unfair position.
If all 8 girls had parties and all 8 of them excluded only her, then I think it's time to be asking questions but only 2 out of a group of 8, for whatever reason, didn't invite her. In a group that size, you're not going to be BFFs with each and every one.
Even if all of them excluded her, i wouldn't be asking the birthday child about it. They may not have had complete control over the invite list, as above they may have only had a limited number of people they could invite and had outside of school kids they wanted to come or maybe they just didn't want to invite her!
I think the best outcome from "asking" is either getting an answer she's not prepared for (kids are blunt, especially if they're put on the spot) or she'll end up getting invited out of pitty (she'll end up being the kid that had to be invited after the fact - how embarrassing).
What exactly does that teach her?
It's healthier to teach her to accept people's choices and be secure enough in herself to know that they had their reasoning that doesn't reflect on her as a person and that reasoning isn't really her business.
Otherwise, she's going to be the girl who grows up getting invited to things by default because it's easier than awkwardly explaining why she wasn't invited when she inevitably asks!
I think that's a bit nasty in that situation. I always made sure my kids invited their entire group of friends it's just really rude not to. I find with groups of girls they can sometimes be bitchy and there will be a scapegoat within the group. They will be good friends with them but then purposely exclude them from things just because they can. Or she will be the 'joke' of the group. I hope this is not whats happening to your daughter, its a good time to teach her about what real friendships are and the difference between a good friend and a bad friend.
Kids learn from their parents behaviour, if she sees you crying about it she would feel that she needs to cry about it. It’s just a party, it won’t be the last time she isn’t invited somewhere. Do you cry if you’re not invited to a party or someone’s wedding? It’s honestly nothing to literally cry over, take it as a lesson and move on. It’s a good teachable moment for you daughter, that we don’t always get invited to things, it’s as simple as that
Ask the parents, to check if there’s been a falling out that you don’t know about.
Don’t try to over compensate. You only have to do one exciting thing on the last day of school hols, they don’t remember the rest. Have one or two or her friends for a sleepover. There. Fixed it
I have not invited a girl because she was always gossiping and telling lies within the group. We didn’t need that on the party day. I didn’t want my daughter to form a strong friendship with someone like that. Sorry. My daughter doesn’t get invited to all parties either. When they are older they start to pick and choose unfortunately.