Hi everyone,
Would really like some kind advice on this situation.
My boyfriend and I have been together for 5 years. He had a pretty rough childhood, which included having a father with bipolar which was the catalyst for a messy divorce between the parents. My boyfriend doesn’t seem to rely much on romantic relationships and we have had to work very hard at trust and communication.
Here’s my problem:
Every time he feels upset about something, he says he wants to break up. We have actually broken up before but he came back and asked to be together. It took a lot of conversation and time but we resolved it. I have obviously told him not to pull the break up card unless he means it. He seems to do it when he needs reassurance or a problem to be solved but unable to word it another way.
It’s really hurtful for me to go through this only to have him say he doesn’t want to break up. I know it seems like breaking up is on his mind. But it is seems more like a default response. I wish I could explain it better.
I realise we need to have a conversation about this but am wondering if anyone has any advice.
How do we move forward? How does he get out this loop of saying things he doesn’t mean?
5 Replies
It sounds to me like he has abandonment fears and is biting the bullet before you can. It's a behaviour that is his go to because he doesn't have the skills to do otherwise. These skills can be learned obviously if he wants to, that desire to learn better to be better will tell you if he's playing games or is serious about your relationship.
I’m the female version of your boyfriend!
He needs a really good psychologist or counsellor that can help him recognise the pattern and find more functional reactions.
It’s quite a process. It took lots of effort from myself to break the cycle.
It’s unlikely this will resolve without outside intervention.
If kids are involved I’d think very carefully about the effect this is having on them. Even when we think we are hiding it, they pick up on the tension and fear.
I had to opt out of a relationships until I had gotten to a point where I would be able to stop myself creating this kind of drama.
I had one like that. Along with other hurtful things he did. Truth was he just wasn't ready for the k i nd of relationship I needed and I dont want to be in a teen drama. Don't know if he will ever grow up or if that's just broken in him. But I am glad it's not my problem. You will never fix a man. Deal with what you have in front of you, not potential.
I’ve been in a relationship like this and quite frankly it’s freaking draining and not emotionally fair on you. Unless he engages the help of a psychologist to help him move past his issues (sounds like some anxiety) to stop pushing you away when things get hard then it isn’t going to work out.
My now husband used to pull this on me.
After the second time he said it I firmly pulled him up immediately (before he would’ve left) and told him if he walks there will be no coming back. He hasn’t said it since and that was 7 years ago, we’ve been together 15 now. With my husband it would come after an argument, he’d then feel terrible and try bailing instead of working through it, it would always seem like the easiest option to him instead of laying himself bare