Hi
This may be a little long but here is some back story to help.
About 3months ago i found out my ex who is a fifo worker was having an affair with a women in WA (we live in Vic). He chose to leave us n be with her. Now for the last 1.5months he has been living back in vic her still in WA but he has been saying he is confused and unsure what he wants but he loves n cares for me n misses us n our family n his new relationship isnt what he was expecting etc. So this alone has made the separation very hard n confusing on my end. In saying this his gf has visited n wanted to meet out 2yr old daughter. Right now im not ready for this at all . 1 because its a new relationship that may not work. 2 he isnt overly committing himself to her so why bring our daughter into it. 3 well she is the other women and im just not in that place yet for this to happen. I am seeing a physcologist to try nnbe in an okay place .
Right now my ex is agreeing with me n says if it was him he'd be the same but then tells me how her family is pressuring him to meet her n saying well your her dad why dont you have her why cant we see her. And then he tells me how his gf is upset n cries about it n tells him he should be doing more and it puts alot of pressure on me.
He is now working away again in another state n will be 3weeks away 1 week home n she is planning on flying here every time he is home. Which means the pressure to meet my daughter is getting more n more but im not ready yet n he hasnt proven to me or even said that she is the one n this relationship is serious. All he has said is he needs to just give it a go with her n see how it goes because he has made such a mess with our family n me that he should at least try with her and see if he does love her and what his feelings are. In saying that he still has feelings for me n misses me n is confused. But has also stated he cares about me more then her n if we got back together we would be ok. Soo my head and heart is not good right now.
What is enough time before my daughter can meet her thats not me being unreasonable? I understand she is 2 n wont get its his gf . Also i have a 9yr old from a previous relationship who is not taking this well when should she meet her?
Also i feel I should meet her first before she meets my kids but right now im afraid if i meet her i will say things not very nice and this will then wreck aby chance my ex n i have of being friends and co parenting together for the girls.
20 Replies
His gf and family have nothing to do with this, its not up to them to decide when she meets his child they all need to calm the f down. It's only been 3 months, you're doing really well so far but I think you need to push him back a bit. He sounds confused and is sharing a lot with you. This can only be confusing you. If you definitely don't want him back (I wouldn't!) I would start keeping communication about the kids only. Nothing else, you dont want to know what his gf's family thinks or that his gf cries. You dont care. What is important is your kids and how they feel. I personally think 2 year old adjust really well in these situations but your 9 year old will be the one to have a hard time. Is he going to still see her? If not it will be really hard for her to see only the 2 year old going for visits and not her. Since you guys have only just broken up they really need time to get their heads around that first before meeting new partners. I wouldnt be scared to say 6-12 months. Keep in mind though if he has them without you there he can pretty much do what he likes but if hes going to respect you and will want you to do the same when you move on then he should do as you ask.
Hi its my post
Yes he has said he will.still see my 9yr old as she sees him as dad as her dad hasnt ever been in the picture. He does have our 2yr old on her own alot which my 9yr old struggles with but tjis is just something she will have to understand in time.
I’d be holding out!
The fact his girlfriend is pressuring him is a sign that she is feeling insecure in this relationship, it’s not your daughters job to fix that.
The girlfriend is seeing red flags and rather than running for the hills as she should, she is trying to force a more serious relationship. One that clearly doesn’t exist.
You need to stop listening to your exes drama. It’s not fair to you and it’s not healthy and just holding you and him in this unhealthy pattern. If he tells you his issues with his relationship, be firm ‘not my problem mate!’
I’d be holding out until January at the least. It’s just plain nonsense that she needs to meet a toddler. And your ex needs to resolve his relationships with both of you before then.
Hi im the poster
Yeah i see red flags with their relationship and with her moving fast as she paid for them n it was her idea to get matching tattoos on wedding fingers 3weeks in n she wants our daughter everytime she is here and has business that she was saying after 1month she was selling and moving here . All this for me is just too fast too quick n i worry my daughter will get caught up in it all and be used as a pawn to keep him if that makes sense. Also she isnt overly keen on meeting my 9yr old.i was thinking like you not till next year but was unsure how it will go.over with them. Right now my ex agrees its moving too fast and he is ok to nothave our daughter meet her but its getting to rhe point where he is only seeing our daughter once or twice a week when the gf is here n the rest of the time with her. So i worry my daughter misses out on her dad becuase im not ready to let the gf meet her
Your daughter isn’t missing out, she is being protected from his nonsense. At the moment his priorities sound upside down.
Red flags as in your ex.
He doesn’t think the relationship is moving too fast, or he would slow it down.
Stop believing what he tells you.
Yes my thoughts that the gf is planning to use her as a pawn for connection. It’s his choice to prioritise his gf over daughter I wouldn’t cave on this, your daughter, everyone misses out with his current choices. Are you married? How long have you been together?
How long have they been “seeing each other” how long has it been “official” I wasn’t happy for my kids to meet my new partner until I knew it was going to go somewhere and then to see if it could proceed further he met my kids 6 months in. My ex on the other hand has introduced all of his girlfriends to my kids after a month and after a fortnight then after a month again. None of them have lasted one only lasted 3 months and that was becasue he wasn’t putting her first 🙄 he only had them once a week and even she could see he wasn’t putting them first when he had them. But she was the one pressuring to meet them. I relented and you know what. She’s the one they don’t remember. The one they liked he broke it off with because she strayed. Tell your ex that until he’s sure you’d prefer it if she didn’t meet your shared child. If she’s pressuring him. The relationship is unlikely to last becasue she only had her best interests in mind and not the child’s best interest which is why she’s planning on being there for every home swing he gets which is when he should be getting quality time with his daughter. I also understand she needs time with him too. But a whole week and then demanding to meet his daughter is a red flag for me.
Hi im the poster
They hooked up n she moved him in with in the week so seeing each other now for just over 3months and officially i guess just over 2months. The problem is she sees it as serious and committed but he isnt there yet and thats what worries me . I understand she would want to spend time with her bf to make the relationship work mu issue right now is its new she is the other women n she is not understanding he needs time alone with his daughter that this family dynamics are all different now for myself and the kids and we all need time to adjust and get our head around it where she sees it as well im your gf so i should meet her now and thats a red flag for me that she cant understand the situation.
Yeah she sounds immature about the whole understanding of the bigger picture and children from divorce. More like it's a toy.
She sounds freaking desperate 😬 it does issue a lot of red flags for me. Stand your ground!
I’m also going to add, that I think she’s insecure about where their relationship is heading becasue she won’t even give you guys the opportunity to work shit out. Becasue she’ll be there at every opportunity. You guys will never be able to work on yous if she’s always there. I wouldn’t know why you’d want to, he’s a lying piece of shit. But i gather you already know that.
Or she is none of those things, he is encouraging her to come to Vic, telling her a different story and he is lying his deceptive head off. I find it interesting she doesn’t want to meet the nine year old = nine year old isn’t my kid, I don’t want to see her so I’ll say it’s the new gf.
It's not about time. He's playing silly games and only involving the child because of the bed he's made and the pressure he feels. No way. As for yourself, stop being played in this game. He's weak and talking without backing it up. To both of you. Don't be his backup. Don't let him talk to you about regret while he stays with her. Stop waiting for him, actually tell him to get fucked and grow up and make decisions about his daughter based on what's right for his daughter, nobody else.
He’s a selfish guy playing games with both of you, hence why she is so insecure.
If he cared about you more, he would be with you.
Imagine telling your problems with your mistress to your ex wife, it’s insane, he’s creating an us against them narrative, only his actions show he is with them, not you.
You’re the plan b in case this doesn’t work out or even the side piece when he decides to cheat again.
Don’t believe a word he says about her and the family wanting to meet your child, he is full of lies and you don’t know what is fact and what is fiction.
Do you think a guy who cheats on the mother of his children would really care about the family of the new gf of three months? Think about it, no way.
He needs you and her to hate each other, so he could be using your child to do that.
If he did what he did to you, he is capable of anything.
I’ve been thinking about this over night.
I think I’d tell him you want to do mediation first. That will buy you a bit of time, plus help you set some healthier boundaries between you and the ex. ‘We will discuss it at mediation’. It will let him know you aren’t going to be a doormat (he currently thinks he can manipulate you).
It will give you a safe space to discuss the issues without feeling manipulated and guilted in to something.
A formal agreement is always a good idea even when the parents are getting along.
Are you still sleeping with your ex?
What kind of question is that?
Her pressuring him and using emotional manipulation is signalling red flags for me.
Meet her first without your daughter present first. Trust your intuition!
He needs to decide whether he is going to commit to a relationship with her before any of this happens.