My five year old's father has asked for contact after having no relationship with said child since birth (his choice). His entire family has a relationship with my child just not him. There is a substantial geographical distance between him and my child. Has anyone else been down this road and what is the best way to establish a relationship between them.
12 Replies
I think that given he has reached out to you and his family have a relationship with the child, I’d facilitate it. Well, legally you have to if he takes you for custody etc. so i would go along with it.
Be strict and be prepared that he could disappear from her life as fast as he entered it.
Does your daughter know that he is her “dad”?
I’d respond with something along these lines:
I’m glad you’re reaching out and would like to pursue a relationship with daughter. I’m open to this however I would like to first say that she deserves someone who is going to be there for her consistently and doesn’t just disappear from her life suddenly - that is not fair on her. So I ask that you’re 100% that this is what you want. Given that she is unfamiliar with you, it’s in her best interests that you travel to us for visitations and to begin with I will be present during said meetings. Once you have proven that you are in this for the long haul we can discuss custody, however this will be in time to come. She deserves a card every birthday, a present every Christmas, she deserves the world and you need to give that to her if you want to become her father.
She has seen pictures of him and knows his name and his relationship to his other family, its not a secret. She knows him as an abstract figure who has been away "working".
Sorry to be clear I have already discussed with him that I am open to his developing a relationship with her I just have concerns about what would be the best way to do it for her emotionally I guess. I agree he would have to be travelling to her to for quite some time.
Thanks for your response.
I really just want to say I really applaud you for how well you are handling this. It is so refreshing and you are definitely putting your daughter's best interests first!
Just slowly work up to it, Facetime on the same day/same time each week, eventually face to face meetings, then have his mother come too etc :) Let your daughter call the shots on how comfortable/uncomfortable she is and read her like a book, if she doesn't want to cuddle him/talk much then don't push it. Let it come naturally x x
Start off very slowly. A quick FaceTime once a fortnight at a set time. He could send a couple of cheap care packages with colouring book and pencils in it etc.
He actually needs to travel to her to visit. A low key picnic in the park for example. Gradually build from there.
Thanks for your response.
The FaceTime sounds like a good idea and then physical visits.
That's great and its good she already has a relationship with his family, that can only make the change easier! Does he travel back or not? If not he could face time her while she is visiting his family. If he comes to visit start with short public meetings. If he has a partner and kids i would probably ask she doesn't meet them straight away as it might be too much to take in at once.
He never travels here so it would only be to visit her, I do not live near his family I moved away when pregnant as I had no support and he wanted an abortion. His mother wanted to know her grandchild and the rest of them formed a relationship in time through that connection which I have always encouraged. She does not visit his family they come here. He is partnered but no kids that I know of yet. I agree it should be that he forms a relationship with her first before anyone else is thrown in the mix. I really don't want to see his face but I guess I have to for her sake.
I was the child in this situation. My mother did everything in her power to stop it. I didn’t get a chance to meet my father properly until I was 18 by then it was to late. It was so tense and uncomfortable, no bond was formed and we don’t have anything to do with each other now. I’m now 28 and only last week found out that I have two brothers that lived 30 minutes away from me my whole life.
Parental Alienation is child abuse, very sad outcome for you.
It wasn’t just me, she has done it to my other two siblings (all different fathers) I now have a very difficult relationship with her. There has been a lot of things she has done that have help destroy me as a person but withholding a possible family I could have had probably hurts the most
She is most likely a narcissist, I'm glad you can see the light though. Never too late to try and connect with your family
I'm so sorry to hear that happened to you and I assure you I would not want that for my daughter.
I have and never will stop a relationship forming. Up to this point it was his choice not to have a relationship with her. He wanted her aborted and I never entertained the idea despite it meaning I literally had to blow up my life. His mother reached out before I had her and said she wanted to know her grandbaby and she has been there since day dot. His other family came to know her also through that connection.