I have come to terms with the fact that my significant other is a covert narcissist. I am currently pregnant with our second child and can't believe what kind of a mess I'm in.
I fell pregnant very fast into our relationship and am only just now coming out of a phase of postnatal depression, looking around and I just can't believe I didn't see what was going on.
I have taken steps towards putting some firm boundaries in place but I keep getting sucked back in and he knows something has changed so is on super vigilant, helpful quiet stalker mode.
I really would like to hear from others who are in or have been in relationships with a narcissist and how do you manage? How did the relationship end if it did? What do you wish you had of known and perhaps done differently? Is there any positive instances where the naessist got help and made lasting changes for the better?
I have tried to leave before when he was in a violent outburst but he wouldn't let me and threw the keys on the roof. Other times I will ask him to leave and he never ends up going, somehow things will just be not spoken of again and he will improve and things will be great until I relax. Other times I am ashamed to admit I come crawling back in a moment of panic and guilt only to find myself right back where I started a few weeks or months later. I do not want to end our relationship because of our children I think I owe them to try everything I can. Our child really does love him obsessively even more than he loves me I sometimes think. I would like us to take some time to live separately and work out our issues and get some counselling then start fresh. He won't hear of it. He says if I end it he will leave and I will never hear from him again I can mess the kids up all on my own.
13 Replies
Narcissists are generally not violent, or have uncontrolled anger. It gets confusing sometimes because there are a few assholes out there that tick quite a few boxes for narcissism, but they don't have the disorder they're just assholes. Definitely be careful about leaving though, if you're worried about your safety and have the mindset to be able to leave then don't waste another minute. You've tried doing it by communicating and it hasn't worked, your only option is to just leave. Forget about his threats of disappearing, this is emotional blackmail and it's an empty threat. Have you got a family member you can go to for a while?
Hanging around hoping an actual narcissist will change is like bashing your head against the wall. They rarely want to change, so they won’t change.
He’s probably told you 100 times that you have the problem or are the problem. That’s a big clue he isn’t getting therapy or planning to change.
Wether your partner is a true narcissist is a long process and something that needs to be diagnosed by a professional.
The effects of being raised by a narcissist are terrible. Please research that. If you can minimise time they spend with him, that’s a really good thing.
The faster you leave in a safe way the better. You can not maintain your mental health and stay in this relationship.
If he’s a true narc, it can’t be worked out.
He never loved you and never will.
Your life will be a lie and one day he will discard you.
There will be an end to the relationship by him at some point.
Run, don’t look back ❤️
They can't change. They pretend, to lure you back, it's a cycle. They can't keep the mask up for long though, wait and you'll see but it's wasting your time energy and emotions. They won't leave you alone, zero contact is the way you will probably need to go.
Get a psych because people tell you 'all men' are sooks or poor him etc etc and make you feel like a bitch, but they don't know what you know. Its amaxing the absolutely shit and harmful advice you will receive. 'Dont cut off a good dad' aw hes hurt, he does work hard, he does love you, etc etc etc. You need a psych to be on your side and keep you on track because he wkll put on a huge show of breaking you down and getting you back.
Then be prepared because when it's over and there's no contact, a true narcissist will badmouth you, turn people against you make himself look badly treated and will move on very fast and rub your face in it.
Also know, you will be happier than you can ever imagine once you've got rid of him and are healthy again.
A narcissist will never change as they lack the capacity to comprehend that they maybe wrong or at fault.
Get yourself on reddit and read r/justnoso great help and people in the same situation
Quora is good too!
I wish I had have been stashing money for a quick escape with the kids. I didn’t. I stayed, I tried to fix it. It didn’t work, he tried to kill me. Police still didn’t believe me and wouldn’t help. Then he just vanished 2 years later
Wow he really loves his kids is he threatens that. Idiot.! Only way to deal with a narcissist is to cut contact. They are always after a reaction and play sick mind games. Do not apologise to him or React to him. You need to get away for the sake of your kids. Staying isn’t going to help you or your kids. It gets worse. He will wear you down and destroy you.
They don’t change and can’t. There is only one way out for you and that’s to leave.
Your messing your kids up now by staying!!!! Letting them see that this is normal 🤷♀️ LEAVE for the sake of your kids!
Mine was an alcoholic narcissist. I wish I had dealt with the manipulation earlier in our relationship and stood my ground when my gut said I was right. I wish I hadn’t questioned or doubted what I’d seen, heard, believed to be true. His twisting of the truth caused me to doubt my own perception and I thought maybe I was really imagining things and i was therefore the root of our problems. I know now that I was manipulated. I stuck by him, married for 13 years despite it all, believing he could change and that I was responsible for any and all the problems we had. Leaving him was the best thing I ever did for me
As the child of a narcissist I can tell you the worst thing you can do is “stay for the kids”. You owe them a healthy environment NOT to stay with someone who will end up treating them the same way they treat you. You are damaging your kids by keeping them in this environment, not doing the right thing for them. I’ve ended up in years of therapy because my abused parent stayed for too long with my abusive parent for far too long, and by the time he got out and got sole custody of us it was too late, the damage was done.