*Relationship to parents*
Trigger warning DV!
I would love your honest opinions and thoughts on this situation. It’s about the relations to my parents.
Growing up as a child wasn’t easy. There was quite a lot of DV and I witnessed a lot of extreme violence on both parts and as the oldest sibling often took care of my younger sister during those situations.
My father isn’t my biological father though I grew up with him from age 6ish . He drunk a lot and I think my mum did too. My parents were in and out of work and money was always short.
My father often didn’t come home and just drunk at the pub. My mother used to send me to go and find him and report back to her. When I found him at the pub he instructed me not to say anything.
So I didn’t. But of course my mother would know he was at the pub when he came home drunk. The next day I received ‘violence’ from my father for ‘telling’ . This happened often. I was only 10 at the time.
I always felt that my sister (her biological father) was the more loved one and was also given more opportunities. She is 8 years younger than me. It was always made clear that my sister will go places and I was kinda put a side. I always been better in school yet wasn’t allowed to go to uni while my sister with not good marks was pushed all the way to uni. I moved out at age 17 and everything I own is because I worked for it. I finished year 12 through evening school at age 23 and went to uni after that while working two jobs to afford it.
My sister received so much more emotional and financial support up until now!!! (She is 32)
My sister and my parents see each other often (they are in neighboring towns) and have a very emotional and happy, open relationship. My sister worships my parents. I am not even sure if she remembers the violence or if she just doesn’t think about it.
My sister always received hugs while I can not remember ever been hugged. My mum said once that I wasn’t a hugger, yet I am a very ‘huggy’ Person and hug a lot, friends - strangers, everyone.
In a way it was good as it made me the strong and resilient person I am now. I have made peace with the past on most days.
My family lives far away and we only see each other every few years. My mum contacts me regularly, however most of the time those conversations are hurting me. I am 40, made a good life, good career, have a beautiful family and own my own home. I am proud of my own family and what I achieved.
Yet this never gets acknowledged. Never! They would often laugh about me and in front of me. It’s never good enough! What ever I do never makes her proud of me. For many years i was able to ignore that but it really is getting to me.
I just can not shake the negativity that surrounds her towards me and it’s hurting me.
It’s like she never had the courage to fully love me because I was never accepted by my (step) father. It feels like she is so insecure that she can not support and accept me. I almost feel sad and sorry for her.
My sister is the golden child. I really hate thinking this way and I worked hard on forgiveness over the last 10 years. But she really is.
I think my parents have their stuff together now. They travel a lot and play ‘happy family’
If it would be up to me I would break up all contact with my family. It’s bringing me down every time she contacts me and just ‘gets up me’ for silly things (like why I dont call my sister yet for years I called and send presents to her and kids and this was only singles sided, yet I am the one to make an effort) when they do visit, they call my sister every day and talk about her a lot. It’s bizarre!
My partner says I can’t break up the contact because of our children, which I understand. But it really is bringing me down. I dread every phone call as without a doubt there is something I haven’t done right, again.
How do I get passed this? How can I ignore my mothers most likely unconscious mean remarks? I feel sad for her for not been courages. I know that women who go through DV are not at fault for not leaving but she was just as bad as my father. I remember her starting fights over and over.
I never will understand while she stayed. I know it’s not that easy, but the inner child in me will always wonder.
And if I do break up the contact, how do I live with this for the rest of my life? Should I just suck it up and be above it whenever she calls? I wouldn’t even know how to explain this to my children as I forever talk about practicing kindness.
I really don’t know!
I wish there was a really easy answer. Once a week she calls and it will drag me down every time. I deserve better!
What should I do????
7 Replies
You are not obligated to keep people in your life because they're relatives.
I haven't cut my mum off completely but our contact is very limited (and I would if it were necessary).
Your mental health is paramount here xx
You cut them out of your life. Your husband is wrong. Your children do not need people like that in there lives.
If you think about it, modelling good, healthy, two-sided relationships is what is good for your children and having a happy and healthy mummy, who isn’t emotionally damaged, is what is good for your children.
I’d be checking myself in for some counselling so you can help yourself truly recover.
If these people were strangers or friends, you would have dumped them years ago.
And as above, your mental health comes first.
I’m so sorry you had to go through that as a child and even now as an adult. I don’t think you have to continue contact if it’s causing you pain. I think you’re entitled to live your life in peace. Give yourself permission to do that.
I stopped speaking to my father 5 years ago when my parents separated. His negative attitude towards my mother (after she moved out) was just dragging me down and weighing so heavily on my. It was affecting me as a 21yo first time mother. The last time I spoke to him was when he punched my mum in the face because she dared to ask if she could have my 11yo sister stay overnight. Everything just came to a head and all the awful memories of my abusive childhood came to the surface and I just couldn’t put up with it anymore. My younger sister doesn’t remember any physical abuse. It had died off by the time she was a toddler and was only emotional abuse after that. Sometimes she will say my mum was never beaten up or choked, that myself and our other siblings were never hit & kicked. But I try to remember that she hasn’t seen any of that and she loves our father so can’t imagine him in a bad way.
I’ve realised that I’m not obligated to see or speak to him. He has made the choice to abuse his family and I don’t have to live with that. I had some counselling and realised that my mental health needed to come first. My father doesn’t see my children unless we are at family events. They don’t even know who he is. And I don’t feel like they are missing out.
I would start by setting a few things straight. When they are having a dig tell them how proud your are of yourself. Push back a little! If she can’t handle that I’d be a bit busier when she rings!
I used to work with children and I would see this type of favouritism towards children with new partner so frequently it used to break my heart! Congratulations on being finding the strength to overcome it and do so well for yourself!
If I was you. I would write her a letter tell her everything she has done to hurt you and see how she responds. If she doesn’t react well and at least try to speak to you about it. Cut her free or speak with her less often. It’s hurtful and it’s going to keep hurting you. Or if she is negative. Put a stop to it on the phone. Say Stop right there. Do not put me down once again. I will not put up with this anymore. I am proud of who I am and what I have become on my own with no support.
She needs to accept this or just let her be with her husband and your sister.
Number one you husband is wrong. You can do what ever the hell you want to make your life happier.! make up excuse when she rings to not answer just limit your time talking with her. Pull her up on her nagativity. tell her you don’t need navativity in your life and she needs to stop bringing you down or stay out of your life.