Our family is blended. I have a 12yr old, 13yr old boys to previous partner and 6yr old, 2yr old to my husband. My boys normally live with their dad and I have weekends. Due to financial circumstances can't pay mortgage and struggling with the bills, he's also been unemployed for 3 months. My boys will be coming to live with me. My 6year old is already acting out, miss 2 is so far ok but I'm waiting for her to change. Mr 12 has started declining attitude towards school work and behavior in general. Has anyone been in a similar situation and have any advice on what to possibly expect? How do I make this a smooth transition for everyone?
18 Replies
Do they need to change schools? If not then it should be easy as long as everyone has enough space. If they do then your main priorities should be with the older 2, encourage new friendships and keep in good contact with school to make sure everything is going fine. Your younger 2 should adjust well, it's the older 2 you have to worry about most with change.
It’s a big change for a twelve year old, I would expect some push back, especially if this isn’t what he wanted? I wouldn’t worry about the younger ones, I would be trying to assist the older ones in settling in. New school? Did they want to move? Do they feel abounded by their dad? Not enough info given.
My boys have been ok where coming to live with you but don't seem excited. I think its unsettled them. My ex and I parent completely different, I know rules and routine he doesn't. They would rather stay with their dad I know that. Don't need to change schools.
This also depends on why things changed.
Have the boys witnessed trauma, a sick father? You need to take the why into account and act accordingly.
It's due to financial reasons. He can longer pay his mortgage and struggle with bills. He's been unemployed for 3 months
Did you pay child support?
I was but because it was a stupidly low amount $7, I argued with vs a to pay more and got laughed at yes true story, a week we have a private verbal agreement. He pays for everyday expenses I pay for everything else. He sometimes pays for things if he can use his health care card as we don't qualify
I’d be seeks professional assistance. Headspace for the older kids and child psychologist for the younger to get some advice.
Are the kids going to go back to their dads once he is back on his feet or is this a permanent thing? Is there anyway that you can help out with more child support until your ex can get back on his feet? Your younger ones don’t seem happy about the change and neither do your older kids. If they are settled with their father maybe coming to live with you and your new family isn’t in their best interest.
Don’t make them feel like intruders or an inconvenience, they are as much a part of that family as the younger two. Spend quality time with them, make them see how happy you are to have them back living with you, how much you’ve missed not seeing them everyday. You posts kind of surprises me, if my kids lived with their dad and came back to me, I would be jumping for joy. I don’t feel that enthusiasm in your post, more concern about how the younger ones are affected, maybe they don’t either.
I'm extremely happy their here. They seem settled so far and my younger 2 seem to be dealing with it fine.
Due to having a 3 bed house kids have always shared a room. Boys in one, eldest daughter by herself for now as miss 2 still in my room. Lot of stress and anxiety and mental health issues at the moment due to this. My ex didn't tell me anything until I asked a question.
You’ve got mental health issues from your sons coming to live with you?
No I have bipolar . It gets exasperated when I'm stressed. Going to see my psych soon.
Life can throw us curveballs and it seems like you've been thrown one! It's how you facilitate and nurture the kids and situation that will guide them through.
Firstly, what has changed in daily dynamics? Have any of the kids had to move bedrooms or start sharing a bedroom in order to fit the older two in the house? Has the food changed to what they would normally eat? Do they have a big change in rules/routine (like no xbox)? These are all really big changes to kids despite to us adults it seeming little.
What is your relationship like with your ex? If you can, try and foster a good relationship with him and allow the boys to see him as much as they need to and Skype him. Show them that you want them to still maintain their relationship with him and that you're supportive of this.
Let them request a meal each per week, something that they'd really like that maybe they aren't getting at yours.
Try and let them have their privacy if they need it, at their age they will want to have some peace and it's important to respect that and also teach your younger two that they need to respect this also.
Try and do things as a family, whether it be going out to activities, markets, cleaning up the dishes, cooking a meal together. Just closing that gap.
How is your husband with them? Is there a relationship there? I'd get him to lay low on taking authority for the moment, by all means they need to respect and obey him but don't get him to punish them just yet and try and have some lenience for them due to the changes they're going through.
Changes include my boys catching public transport to school alone 2 buses and the train. I lived 40 mins plus from their school used to ride bike. Eat totally different here get fruit and more veg, variety of food. My ex and I are extremely amicable people are always surprised by that. I don't really allow electronic devices, whereas at dad's they live on them. My husband is excellent with them my youngest son calls him step daddy's and is always having fun with him. My oldest calls him by name and just a general teenager 😂. He does help me parent but doesn't push it he's a laid backed person, he's been a part of their lives since they were 4 and 6.
That's great they have a good relationship with your husband!
The change to their morning routine alone can be an issue, it's a massive mix up and probably requires a lot earlier rising and disruption to their usual morning. They also don't get that physical stimulation by not riding their bikes, so encouraging them to exercise in the evenings to blow off some steam is definitely one thing.
Eating healthier can also affect them, they could be suffering headaches or withdrawals from the lack of sugar and junk food they used to eat.
If you can, try and be a bit lenient with electronic devices. I mean, don't let them be on them at all times but giving them a good chance to have a play on them would be appreciated I am sure :)
I agree, you have the two younger ones, let’s be honest, electronics aren’t a part of their world really, but wait until they are older. Don’t cut them off, it is 2019, have limits but don’t completely stop it. You have to be realistic about things, don’t try to be perfect, be flexible. Also, fruit and veg is great, but older kids have preferences, sometimes you have to bend a bit, don’t be too strict on everything. Moderation is key.
I can also understand the decline in school work, that’s a very long day with the commute for kids that age. They are probably exhausted.