I really need to get this out and I can't ask anyone else or I'll be crucified and ridiculed. I feel like when it comes to my husband I'm last on the totem pole. We have 4 kids 13, 12, 6, 2 and a cat, they come first before me. That's how it feels. Aren't I supposed to come 1st? Aren't I supposed to be loved first? Aren't we a team together first no matter what. I love my kids with all my heart I really do but to me my husband comes first. How to deal with these feelings? I want to be 1st I want to feel like I matter.
29 Replies
To me, my kids come first, then my husband đ¤ˇââď¸ until they are 18 lol đ
Same. Hahaha soz husband
Me too they are little and need looking after. The husband is already a adult lol
My kids come first 110% first and foremost. Youâre a full grown adult and can look after yourself and your feelings unlike your children who rely on you. You can cook and fend for yourself.
It doesnât mean youâre loved any less by him, it just means he has his priorities right and it seems you donât (sorry to say).
Kids and creatures definitely come first in this house. They didnât ask to be here, are vulnerable and donât have the option to escape if there needs arenât being met and arenât old enough to meet all there own needs yet.
That doesnât mean I neglect my partner, I certainly make time and space to nurture the relationship. If forced to choose, Iâd have to choose kids, every single time.
Thatâs what happens when we have kids.
I think though if I had 4 kids, Iâd be struggling to find time with my partner because everything just gets stretched further.
Having a very strong maternal bond myself my kids will always be #1 first and foremost their needs need to be met, i chose to have them so I will nurture them until they are adults. My husband is already a adult.
Thanks everyone for your replies. It's made me realize I'm 100% wrong in my priorities in putting my husband first and I should put my kids first. It totally doesn't matter how I think and feel they are the priority. It doesn't matter that I'm in a low because of my bipolar it doesn't matter how I think and feel. I need to get over it and totally get my shit together. I need to get over this depressive stage the whole wanting to die the whole being a selfish cow. I now need to have a reality check.
Get back on your meds if you care about your husband and kids. Do it for them, itâs that simple. You know youâre slipping, you know youâre tettering on psychosis.
I mean, if the house was on fire (God forbid) then yeah, i probably my wouldn't give my partner a second thought til my kids were safe but on a day to day basis I find this "priorities and pecking order" sort of dynamic really bizarre.
My kids aren't my only priority, certainly they are dependant on me for a lot of things and obviously i need to consider them and their needs before I make decisions or do certain things, but that doesn't mean I get to put everything and everyone that's important in my life on the back burner until my kids are grown. It's definitely not healthy to be that consumed by your children either, it's okay to have a life outside being a parent!
I prioritise myself and my needs, you know the old saying - you've got to take care of yourself before you can take care of another.
I prioritise my relationship, because it's important to nurture that so it stays strong.
I prioritise my friends and family because I care for them and value them as well.
It's really not about who comes literally first, second, third...
It's about working as a family and as an individual to ensure everyone you care about feels loved, valued and supported.
It breaks my heart that you feel less important than the cat, because you do matter. Maybe that's something you need to speak up about Xx
My kids come first for both hubby and I. But sometimes putting each other first is part of that equation because us being happy is important for their wellbeing too.
If someone asked me who I put first in my life it would depend on the situation. On a general day to day basis yes my kids have to come first. They are small and need all there needs met by me or hubby. But I'll put hanging out with my husband before I hang out with friends and I love him in a way that is completely different to my kids. After the kids are in bed, we talk we watch TV together and we try to go to bed at the same time. I make time for him that I probably don't for other adults ( and put up with a lot more shit than i do with other adults)
From your reply though i don't think it's a matter of you not being first it sounds a bit like you aren't well and he is picking up the parenting slack. You need to see a doctor to help you get better so you and hubby can get back to being a team.
Well my fears were just confirmed. Husband was looking at a photo of him and the girls and says look at that special family. Doesn't say a word about me. My spirits are even more deflated.
Just ask him, say what about me even maybe in a joking tone? That might bring up a conversation he wants to have but isnât because of your mental state so hes just throwing around comments instead?
See your doctor also you deserve to feel healthy & not have this worry burden you.
Iâll say it again, get back on your meds!!!!
Your husband is holding everything together, kids, work, housework, this should be the least of your worries, you should be focusing on getting better.
Do your bit, see your psych and take your meds, you have to help yourself as well.
If you become psychotic, you will end up in mental health again.
Your husband is probably tired, doing the best he can, give him a break.
Iâm speaking from experience of a carer of some with severe mental health issues who often stopped taking their meds.
I'm taking my meds just not my antipsychotics for a reson I'm not going into. I have a appointment booked with my psych. Thanks to your concern.
I told jom in was hurt and he's like what are you talking about. Apparently if I hadn't walked away I would of heard him say I was special. Well I ended up getting the silent treatment until dinner when opur daughter said it was quite. Then he starts talking to me again. No apology nothing. Bloody men
You need more mental help, youâre obviously struggling and thatâs so unfair to your family.
Maybe he was trying to show YOU what you have? In a caring way, that is your family, that is a perfect family.
I recognise you're having negative thoughts and reading into every little thing, usually these thing scan actually be easily resolved if we speak. If you just said, what about me? Or ooh beautiful family, I really want one with all of us in it, or I would love a nice one of just us two, were a great team.
Work to turn it around to a positive.
Definitely get help if you feel yourself getting lower and unable to get out of it.
You're never wrong for your feelings and yes you do need a bond with your partner and you need to be able to connect and feel supported by them. Xx
Your fear is that your husband loves your kids?
You are jealous of your husband caring for your kids whilst you are mentally ill and unable to function and do anything?
You should be trying to get well.
You should be grateful and appreciate him.
Living with someone with bipolar is no walk in the park, he sounds like a quality guy.
I agree, I think this is a lot in your head and I'm not saying its no less real but negative thoughts are taking over and creating problems. When it gets that bad, you need outside help, it's very hard to get yourself out of that alone.
Yep sorry but I agree, it sounds like you have a loving caring husband who loves his kids, what more could you want? He wants to be a family and be around your kids.
If that doesnât sit well with you then seek your own help donât make him feel bad for being a good dad as not all of them are like that, your lucky!
If I had to put my family of four into order Iâd say the kids come first, I put myself second and husband comes last. I would also expect him to put our children first, himself second and me last.
Kids are young and fully dependent which is why they come first. I come second because my mental health matters, and he comes last because he is his own second priority and he should be looking after himself too. Iâm not his mother and he doesnât need to look after me, we are our own people. We are adults.
It obviously sounds like you have some mental health issues here which make these feelings ten fold, so I empathise with you but I think it comes down to you prioritising YOURSELF and not relying so much on your husband to pick up the pieces. Prioritise a doctor appointment ASAP
My self and little sisters where the children in this situation. Please for the love of god put your children first. My mother never put us first EVER, it was always her boyfriends, friends or literally anybody else but us. We knew, even as little kids we knew. It never changed. We are all adults now, I have my own babies and guess what she is still doing it. She has ruined us all with her lack of maternal care and love and we all struggle now in adult life. One sister is gay, one is a slut and sleeps with anybody that gives her attention (trait taught by our mother) and I had an 8year long DV relationship because I thought being treat like shit was normal. We have given up trying to talk to her about it because she just uses the excuse âI was in a low, it wasnât my faultâ
I'm sorry you had such a rough childhood. Can I suggest it has nothing to do with determining your sister's sexuality?...
Of course it doesnât, sexual orientation is pre determined not a choice. She does have ALOT of issues all stemming from our âmotherâ and how portly sheâs treated all of us
Your kids should come first..stop putting your husband first. You are teaching him that itâs ok that are you last. He is just going along with how you let him treat you. Take a step back.
Number one rule.. your kids come first always.!!
Um no your children come first. Sure you make time for each other and put yourselves first sometimes but majority of the time they should be first