My husband and I have a friend who has 3 daughters. She is a single mum. The kids have regular contact with their Dad for phone but do not see him as he lives in a different city.
We regularly spend the weekends with them as we also have a young daughter. Her daughters are all very respectful and polite. The middle daughter is almost 13 years old but has developed quite young and has a well-developed body e.g breasts, hips etc. On looking at her, you'd imagine she was at least 15 or older. We live in part of South America where the weather is very humid and so is normal for her (and everyone else) to use cropped tops or short shorts etc.
Anyway my question is in regards to the behaviour of the 12 year old. She is incredibly touchy and clingy with my husband. She will stroke his chest, play with his necklace whilst touching his neck, stroke his leg, hug him, hold off his neck and generally be very touchy-feely with him. My husband does not reciprocate this and they are never alone. I'm not concerned of anything sinister. My husband too has mentioned that its too much and he feels uncomfortable. My concern is more the appropriateness of this behaviour. As I mentioned she is only 12 almost 13 but she physically looks like a woman not a child. She will display this behaviour in public and I find it very uncomfortable. This weekend my husband was stood away from us drinking with his friends and she went up to him and was hanging off his neck and touching his stomach. To me this is very inappropriate. She is also insistent on always asking my husband if she can do different things e.g swim or eat etc...questions that you would ask a parent. I should add the mum is always there so she could ask her.
This weekend the Mum asked me if i found her behaviour uncomfortable. I am generally not very good at being direct but this time I was. She said it was just her daughter not having a Dad around and she sees my husband like a dad role. But to me even if my husband was her Dad, it seems inappropriate somehow to be "that" touchy with a adult...even a parent once you hit a certain age. The mum did later bring it up with the girl when i wasthere but she explained that she should not do it because it makes me uncomfortable not for any other reason.
My concern is that she will be like this with other adults and sadly there are some not good people around who may see it as something lewd.
I suppose I am asking if you agree that this is inappropriate behaviour or if its just me being overly sensitive? I just can't help that it makes me feel very uncomfortable. And not only me but my husband too. His friends too have mentioned her touchy-ness.
4 Replies
Over sexualized behaviour in a child is never appropriate, it actually raises a few alarm bells - it can be a sign that a child has been the victim of sexual abuse themselves.
This isn't typical "my dad's not around" behaviour, its not typical behaviour of any pubescent girl (even if she looks 20).
It's a bit of a worry that mum's only concern about this behaviour is that it makes me you uncomfortable, I'd be asking myself where my daughter picked up this behavior!
I agree her behaviour does seem a little to much. I would get your husband to gently push her away and say please don’t do that. If the behaviour is not as much as a huge red flag as it seems after a while you would think she’d stop it. I understand you say he doesn’t reciprocate, but being direct and saying no please don’t do that might be what’s needed?
All in all yes if it was me I’d be uncomfortable like you as well.
A cousin was like this and she had been abused as a child... I personally would try and stay away. Your husband could get accused of something he hasn't done and there are now many witnesses to her "touchyness" and that may not look good if accusations are made. Is there somewhere to report suspected abuse where you live? Try that and either stay away or get husband to tell her no.
It seems like she's wanting affection from a dad like figure. I doubt she thinks of it as sexual. She might need some boundaries instilled (without making it obvious so she's not made to feel wrong). Don't forget that 12 may look like a woman for some girls... But she really isn't. She's a child.