Hi sisters
I have a real issue that regards a friend
firstly what do you consider a best friend as this is my first experience and I really feel let down disappointed used and very hurt
This friend calls me her best friend our daughters a close as well which is hard.
This friend would dump her daughter at our front door as a last resort wen every one else is busy to go out drinking I dont mind having her but it upsets our house hold having sleepovers especially last time wen her daughter was coming over because my friends mother said she couldn't have her then changed her mind and then her daughter isnt coming
I have always been there for her if she called I answered whether I was napping or not had a headache at the doctors or appointments but something happened on Friday and I needed her help she said call me Monday and I will be there I will help u out u can trust me well Monday came and she didnt answer her phone when I called her and texted me back wen it was to late she let me down
She comes over for coffee and speaks about her boyfriend the whole time and wen the convo changes subject she changes it back this is just some of the things that r happening
How can I change this ?
I want my friend to be my friend as well not just hers or am.i being sensitive?
5 Replies
You are not being sensitive. You are being too nice.
We are not in primary school so the term best friend in my opinion is kind of ridiculous. As adults you have friends. That friendship has to suit both of you and be healthy for both of you and not one sided.
What you have is a self involved person who is all talk and no action.
Being a friend doesn’t mean you should be answering her calls when you are sick or have a headache etc. it doesn’t mean disrupting your household to babysit at the spur of the moment (unless it’s a genuine hospital type emergency). It doesn’t mean putting your needs aside for her.
You and your family come first and if she is a true friend she won’t be upset if you don’t answer the phone everytime, she won’t be upset if you don’t respond to messages when it’s inconvenient. She won’t be upset when you say we can’t have your daughter tonight. If she is genuinely your friend she will be your friend when you put up healthy boundaries. If she doesn’t, then she wasn’t a friend, she was a user.
You can't control her behaviour but you can control yours.
The friendship shouldn't be a burden. Thats not how "best friends" work. And it sounds like shes wearing you out and taking advantage of your kindness.
So, if your busy/unwell, don't asnwer her calls. Just send her a quick txt saying you'll call her back when your free.
You need to tell her that you love her daughter but she needs to ask and you notice first because you have things on over the weekend to. And start saying no! She doesn't HAVE to go out and its sounds like she does it a lot.
The tone is set for this relationship, she's not reliable and she's a 'taker'.
Accept her as she is, she's never going to be the friend you want her to be. If you keep giving 120% and expecting the same in return, you're setting yourself up for disappointment.
I'm kind of with the above in that "best friend" is a bit of a childish term - We have close friends who we can mutually depend on for anything, the friendship is easy and it's give and take. We have friends who we like and get on well with but are a bit flakey (this is the exact type of friend we're talking about here) and sometimes we have friendships that are one sided and a bit toxic (I think your friend is on the verge of this type tbh).
Honestly, if you feel used and not getting what you need from the friendship you need to value yourself enough to say no and not be available at her every whim. She'll either start appreciating you more or she'll have no use for you anymore once your free babysitting and venting service is no longer available! Either way, you'll know where you stand.
She is all about herself. I had a "friend" for years until one day I realised she knew basically nothing about me! Every single conversation we had was about her and what was happening in her life, everytime I talked about my life she would quickly turn it back to her again. Everyone had to stop and help her but she couldn't be found when anyone else needed help. This woman is not a friend you are her resource.
Cut her off she’s seen obsessed user. I’ve had many of these friends. They don’t care about you. They are just users. Stuff her you owe her nothing! Cut her off