Edit: I’m shocked at how many people are saying I need to be happy with my one child. If I was in a relationship I’m sure you would all be like go ahead. There is nothing wrong with being a single parent and just because I’m single doesn’t mean that I want a child for selfish reasons. It won’t be any less loved than if I had a partner. This isn’t something I decided in a snap of my fingers. This has been something I’ve always wanted. I absolutely love being a mum and I waited to see if I would have another relationship however I don’t think that I will. I actually enjoy being on my own I don’t need to have a partner to bring a child into this world for “the right reasons”. Known or unknown donor isn’t going to ruin a child. A child is a blessing and bringing another child into this world is something that I will be doing on my own.
So I’m not sure why I’m writing in I just need to vent. I have this overwhelming feeling for another child. I have a 6 yr old already and I’ve always wanted another child. I’ve been single for 4 years and don’t plan on having a partner anytime soon.
I don’t know how to explain it. The ache for another child Has been there for so long. I miscarried after my ex assulted me. I’ve always wanted another child.
I’ve been looking at sperm donation through a clinic and also a private site.
I also asked someone i know recently if they would donate. He asked a heap of questions and said he would think about it.
The wait is killing me. I’d never ever ever pressure him and totally respect his space! I’m just waiting to hear what he decides before I try an unknown donor.
I thought it would be nice for the child to later on know it’s dad and the dad could still see the child etc because we do see each other sometimes.
Was I wrong to ask someone I know? He wasn’t offended at all.
I wanted a baby for 5 years now.
I love being a mum. It’s seriously the best feeling ever! I have shit moments but my child is well looked after. I could support another child too.
Also my daughter has asked for a sibling. This isn’t my driving force for this. It just shows that she’d be ok with it.
I’ve been honest with my friend that I don’t want to co parent and have been nothing but honest since the first message about that. I don’t want or expect anything of him except his sperm lol.
I just needed to talk it out somewhere. It’s only been a few days since I asked and I 100% respect his space and need to think about it. I don’t want to force anyone into that decision because I know I have other options out there.
Edit: not tipped over the edge. I’ve waiting to see if my life changed and I got another partner but I don’t see thy happening anytime soon. I’ve researched donor options for a year and a half now. So I guess I’ve done so much research I’m really wanting to take the next step.
Also I’ve researched this and it will be a done via AI as a donor only. We will not be sleeping together it will be artificial insemination.
I don’t want it both ways I’m 100% sure I want to do this alone. What I meant was when the child is older it will be able to know who it’s dad is easily. And if need be before they are 18. Not to conparent or any other reason purely so the child can no. The friend would see the child because I’m not cutting them out of my life.
I wouldn’t have asked them if they would do it if I thought for one minute he’d want to parent the child. He’s older and I know he’d be content not parenting.
2nd Edit: I will be open with the child from the beginning. My entire family know I have been looking into sperm donation. There has and will never be any secret around how the child was conceived. The child will always know I had help from someone and my family and friends also know I’m doing sperm donation so the child will never have to feel ashamed. If it’s my friend or an anonymous donor the child will always know how they were created and never made to feel like it needs to be a secret. Also this person is a lot older than me. He will not have any other kids and I know this already.
25 Replies
You made a mistake.
Before moving ahead you need to get legal advice. You can’t have it both ways in regards to co-parenting. You need to research custody issues etc and know the facts. You also need to research child support etc.
I think you will find you are far better protected with an anonymous donor.
BUT I also think you need to get yourself some counselling around this issue. You sound like you’ve become obsessed and tipped over the edge a bit.
I’m not obsessed. I’ve researched this for a year and a half now. I guess my mind is made up with my decision to use a donor.
I’m just not sure if a complete stranger is an awesome idea. I thought a child at some point is going to ask about their dad and it would be nice to be able to tell them who that it.
Well with a known donor you run the risk of a custody battle if he changes his mind. Is that something you are prepared to risk?
Yes it’s wonderful for children to know there father but you are running the risk of a child feeling hurt or pissed off that you kept them from a relationship with the other parent when you know who they are.
Have you had experience with this? Looking for peoples experiences etc.
And I highly doubt he would change his mind however there is a donor agreement contract that would be signed. I have a copy of one.
I’ve done extensive research for awhile now. It’s not something I’ve jumped into. My family also raised concerns about the child wanting to know who their parent is. I think that the child would be ok given they would still have some sort of a relationship with the donor. It’s not like they were completely kept from the donor.
The child will have those moments without knowing it’s their dad so I’m not sure the child would feel that way. Yes they may not have known it was dad however when they are older I will explain it was a donor.
My friend is a spermicide donor baby. Now an adult. It hasn’t been as easy for him as people imagine. Adult sperm donor children are activiely campaigning for changes in laws for a reason.
I’m not against sperm donation, I just know there are emotional consequences that a lot of people haven’t considered.
I agree but not I don't think he was a spermicide baby 😂
Bloody autocorrect!
What happens to the child should something happen to you, if you go with a friend option? They are the father... I would get serious legal advice first and foremost 🤷♀️ friends (lesbian couple) chose anonymous donor to reduce the risk of any potential issues/custody battles later on.
Join the sperm donors Australia page on fb
I would go with an unknown donor too, so much can go wrong if its someone you know. That would be really awkward through the childs life and it might make your friend feel guilty as he has a child that he sees but doesn't support them in any way. Also if your friend goes on to have kids with someone else are you going to be happy watching him play doting Dad while your child is fatherless? What if your child has Special Needs are you going to resent doing and paying everything by yourself while your friend lives a carefree life? You need to look at every possible scenario.
I would go an unknown donor. A child may feel rejected knowing you know the father and they want nothing to do with them.
I can’t believe you asked someone who would be a part of your life to be a sperm donor.
How heart breaking for the child, yes he’s a good friend of the family, your father but he doesn’t want to be your dad. It’s a breeding ground for resentment, not feeling wanted or good enough. How will he engage with the child when he visits? It’s so weird. If you had a partner playing daddy and he was just a donor, I think it would be fine as your child would have a daddy, but in this case, I think it would be so psychologically damaging. Get a random, not someone this child will feel rejected by on an ongoing basis.
As far as I know, once you reach of age, you can have access to bio fathers details can’t you?
I feel like I can understand why you asked someone you know but I think it would be safer and best for a child, in this case, to have an anonymous donor.
I happen to know someone who used an anonymous sperm donor.
She has been very forth coming with her child, explaining the donation process, biology, different family dynamics etc from the very get go.
From my observations, her child is very well rounded, happy, enormously loved, has plenty of other male role models and understands that a very kind man gave mum an incredible gift so that she could have a baby that she wanted so badly.
Like others have mentioned, i can see things becoming complicated if you use a donor whom you know/have a personal connection with.
Like everything though, there's pros and cons with both options. I think counselling is mandatory before undertaking this process anyway, but they will certainly be able to help guide you with your choice.
I also know this isn't what you asked, so forgive me if this is out of line but is adoption a possibility that you'd be willing to cinsider?
So many babies and children just need a loving family and it sounds like you've got a lot to give!
Be forthcoming to the child from the get go is something I would 100% be. No point in making them think something other than it is.
I actually already have a foster child. However he is likely to go home. Adopting is super hard in Australia and being single I’m unsure if my application would even be accepted.
I love being a parent! And I love my foster child just like my own. We have our rough days but the good out weighs the bad.
I tried to weigh up options. I guess I’m 100% not wanting to co parent. However if the friend is willing to let the child know he’s dad than I’m ok with that. I however want to raise the child as my own. I have 100% care of own current child and I just feel like our family isn’t complete and I have felt like this for a very long time.
I do understand the risks of using a known donor however I also think a known donor has some great benefits.
I have looked into donors in great detail and I’ve made the decision I want to have a child and Im happy to use a known or unknown donor.
The thing is, it's not about just you and the child you already have. Your needs actually need to back off a bit and you need to think about this child and it's future. What you want and what might actually happen are two different things.
So you have this baby with your friend's sperm. Then a year later, the friend decides "oh hey, I think I'm really missing my kid and that part of my life" and goes to get legal advice and starts the process of getting 50% custody or something like that? What would happen then? He has every right to be part of the child's life, just as much as you do.
What would happen to the child if you are in an accident and are no longer able to look after their needs and their bio dad decides to step up?
What would happen should the friend have his own family? How would the child feel, having the bio play happy family with other people, but not them?
I think you have already made up your mind. I just want you to think about the child and their future needs and get serious legal advice. Just because you already have a child doesn't mean that things will be smooth sailing with the next one.
I think you need to put the theoretical child's needs before your own. They would have a sibling that has a father (regardless of whether they have access, they still have one) and they wouldn't. It would be traumatising. I understand the desire for another child myself... But I think we need to not think about us and think about the child. I'd consider trying to find a way to be happy with child you have. The desire for another child does fade as you get older.
I know a family in this situation and they're just fine. Actually the child without father is better off than child who has had a tumultuous relationship with father and he is now known but absent. Either way, they have mum and they are fine.
I disagree on using someone you know for the legal reasons and potential implications it has in future, however I am all for sperm donation!
I would say go for it, you sound like you've thought this out thoroughly and are able to do so, so why not!? You have the family and friends support so don't listen to a bunch of random women on here. Do what is right for YOU!
For the comments saying the kid won't had a dad and the other kid does.. SO WHAT! Whose to say that in 2-3 years you don't meet an amazing man who takes on the father role anyways?!
I don't see it as that different to adoption as those kids never know their true identity, but you know? They're raised with love and support of their parent/s. SO GO FOR IT!!!!
You need to use an unknown donor. For your own protection and the child. Do not use a friend as the idea that that will work out well is fantasy. In reality you're opening yourself up to custody battles, shit coparenting relationships, visitation, judgement and arguments, losing your friend or wounding your child.
I think the reason you could be aching for a child is due to not processing the loss you previously suffered. It was under exceptionally tragic circumstances and would have been an extraordinarily painful experience. I’m a single mum of one, would have loved another at a certain point (past that now), but this seems to be consuming you. I think you should see a professional and talk through the abuse and the miscarriage and work through those issues before you proceed with this plan. You may find when you have unpacked all this baggage, you are content with one child for now, until someone great comes along. I believe children shouldn’t be born to perform a role, to make you whole again, to stop your aching, to give your child a sibling. I truly hope everything works out for you and you live a peaceful, happy life.
Number one you can’t ask a man to get your pregnant and not expect him to want to be in the child’s life. What if the child if born and he feels this overwhelming bond and love & aches for this child as much as you are now. What will you do then.? I think it’s selfish. If you ask a father, let him decide what he wants..!!! The poor guy I don’t think this will end well for him. It’s not something I would do if I was a male. You already have one child and if it means that much to you then go and pay and do it the right way through a donor to save this man some hurt. I don’t think it will end will with a friend at all. This is a child’s life. I personally hope the male involved tells you no to spare himself his own heartache.
I agree, asking her male friend is a terrible idea and will end in heartache for everyone! Including the child.
If you plan on going doen the sperm donation path, do not use your friends sperm!!
If you child ever found out that your friend was their dad and you never told him/her they would be so upset. And aslo your friend may nit be abke to help feeling an emotional connection ti your child. Legally he will be able to have the child in his life if he decides he wants to and there will be nothing you can do to stop that happening. Just think about more than just your want for another baby.
Only 2 responders suggested learning to be happy with the child you have and their reasons had nothing to do with being a single parent, only the issues the child might face. Everyone else is pointing out complications that will likely arise if you choose a known donor instead of an unknown donor. Your edit makes you look like you're doing this purely for yourself and you are not thinking of your future child. Start thinking about your future child before moving forward.