Hi everyone,
Can I please firstly start by saying we have seeked professional advice from gp’s and psychologists and we are certain she has not been exposed to anything she shouldn’t have as we have never left our children with anyone else and I have been a stay at home mum for the past 5 years.
At around 3 years old, the same time as toilet training (wearing knickers instead of bulky nappies) our daughter started rubbing herself against the corner of the sofa and other furniture and seemed to be finding this pleasurable. I was advised by friends, family and the GP (and yes, google) that this was a normal stage of development and to just ignore it or say ‘please don’t do that in front of me’ and that she would grow out of it.
Well fast forward nearly 3 years and we are still waiting for her to grow out of it! She started Kindy this year and I didn’t think she was doing it anymore but I volunteer in the classroom once a week and saw her doing it 3 x at the table. She doesn’t use her hands, it’s more a movement with her legs (squeezes together) that she seems to be ‘addicted’ to doing! It’s like she can’t control the urge! I obviously told her to stop when I was there and didn’t make a deal of it and she stops when she’s told to, but I’m only there once a week and she’s told me she’s been doing it every day. I ask her at the end of the day and she says yes and looks guilty which I hate, as I know it’s not good to make children feel bad about things like this... today she told me another child asked her ‘why do you keep doing that?’.
I am meeting with the teacher tomorrow morning to discuss and will ask for their support in keeping an eye on her but I don’t believe they’ve noticed it as it’s not obvious to those that don’t know what she’s doing, it might look like she needs the toilet or is just being a bit odd.
I’m at a point now where I feel out of my depth! We’ve tried fiddle toys, explaining to her calmly why its not okay to do this in public, we even went down the road of getting angry when we caught her doing that but we’ve decided that’s not a good solution as it just upset her and made her hide it more.
Anyone been in the same situation? I’ve been told by childcare staff, teachers and friends that work in social services that it is very normal but not very common which is why I’m struggling to find anyone that’s been in the same boat! I’m quite open about it with close friends and have been crying out for help for a while now and I just don’t know what to do. I really don’t want other kids to start noticing which as of today they have as I think this could cause her to be singled out as being ‘weird’ and I also don’t want the other parents to think I have ‘that kid’ or god knows what else .... I just want the best for my daughter who in every other way is just fantastic and on track developemntly.
Please be kind! Thank you xxx
11 Replies
As someone who has worked with children, it’s more common than you might realise. The number of times I’ve seen boys have there hands up the leg of there pants (while sitting cross legged on the floor) and little girls have there hands in there nickers is so common I don’t even notice it anymore!
Your daughter just sounds like she has a different technique.
I’m 99% sure I have a kindergarten Christmas concert on video that includes 5 kids pleasuring themselves.
So please don’t feel alone in this.
Could you try those toilet training undies that are more padded in the front? They're supposed to be to help kids realise when they are wet but they might work for you as well as more padding so less able to feel the table corner. Or perhaps something like a thicker denim that has a zipper or something in the front.
My son does this. Cups his stuff, lays down and sways back and forth. I tend to ignore it. He was doing it at kinder when he went, but now at school, understands he shouldn't do It in front of people.
It's just what he does. I'm not too fazed
My now 6yo does this and has been doing it for a couple of years. I tell her to stop when she is doing it as it's something we do in our private time and our private parts aren't for others. This is something I've been very vocal with her about from a young age. I tell her if she wants to do that she needs to go to her room and do it where there Is no one else around. I haven't ever noticed her doing it in public though so I cannot help you there. She will do it in the car squeezing her legs together and when laying down on couch or bed. I think she is so relaxed she actually doesn't realise she's doing it until I say something.
My daughter started at 4 years and she still does it at 7 yrs. It’s very normal and boys do it too, people just get taken back when a little girl does it because they can’t seem to get away from anything ‘it’s not lady like’. I just explained to my daughter that is a private thing and she shouldn’t do it in front of people. Remind her of her private parts are just for her which means this should be done in private. Don’t make a big deal out of it, don’t say it’s disgusting, don’t make others at home make her feel like she’s odd. Don’t stress mumma.
I wouldn't be talking to the teacher about it i think thats a bit to much of a private thing for your daughter to be talking about it to the teacher.
I did it alot as a kid too. I think its just a normal thing that people just don't really talk about.
She could be ichy/thrush or have an irritation.
Maybe her undies irritate her.
It took me most of last year to work out my undies were causing a reaction.
It wasnt till I lost weight and was not wearing those particular undies to work out what was driving me up the wall.
Go with teaching her that it's a private matter and shouldn't be done at kinder or elsewhere. It's something to be done alone in her bedroom
What’s her answer when you ask why she’s doing it?
Are her underwear cotton, the right size and cut?
Could she have thrush, a rash, an infection, or UTI?
Telling her to stop will make her feel ashamed and that she’s doing something wrong. When my girls do this I ask them the above questions or simply say “please stop fidgeting sweetie” or “can I brush your hair?” Distraction is my best mate.
And it’s so bloody normal. I rub my legs together all the time. I just hide it easier than a 5 year old can.
What she is doing isn’t sexual. It’s a child learning their body and the sensations nerve endings create. Maybe it’s time to discuss her vagina and it’s functions in a little more depth.
Doing this multiple times a day could be a sign of her having low levels of dopamine in her brain. This is common with conditions like ASD and ADHD etc largely unspoken because of the shame it brings.
I have ADHD and was a chronic masterbater growing up... My daughter does the same thing and she's being assessed for ADHD for the second time now that she's been flagged at school.
Could also be a UTI or thrush or irritation from not wiping properly ... Check and see if there's any redness at all. My daughter has reoccuring problems and lies to me about it for some reason so I have to fight her to tell me when she's sore down there. I think it's related to the masterbaing from touching herself with dirty 5yr old hands so worthwhile having that ruled out.