Please read entirely before commenting!!!
My kids have a Mufti day at school this week (wear non uniform for a gold coin donation).
I have been absolutely obsessing over what my kids will wear since I found out about it, i even contemplated going out and buying them an entire new outfit and shoes each for the occasion, which is ludicrous because they have more clothes than any child actually needs.
It has just taken me back to my primary school days!
I was 10 or 11, my mum sent me off in faded red floral leggings, a matching red cardigan and my mary jane school shoes as they were the only shoes I owned. I knew i wasn't going to win any fashion awards that day but we weren't well off because my dad just bailed and the only thing worse than showing up in daggy clothes was showing up in school uniform so off I trotted in my ensemble.
I walked in the school gate, already self conscious because of my outfit and trying to blend in (which is hard to do when you're head to toe in red), then I saw all the other girls in my grade; they were dressed in their cute glittery jeans, slogan tee shirts and Dr Martin's boots. I just wanted to cry but I held my head high and walked on in!
THEN this happened: a girl in my class pointed at me and screamed "Oh my god, look at her, I'm so glad my mum buys me NICE clothes. You look like a hippy! " and gee, didn't everyone just think she was a comedian that day.
I'm not sharing this for pitty or sympathy, I'm sharing this because I think even as adults we need reminding that words can and do cut deep! I also often see the term "If it only happens once it's mean, not bullying" and that is true in a black and white sense but that doesn't mean that your one mean comment isn't hurtful and has the potential to play on the recipients mind long after you forgot you even said it!
I am proof that one mean comment can stick with a person for decades, i am proof it can only take one mean comment to shatter a person's self esteem.
Please chose your words carefully and please model to your kids kindness, empathy, compassion and what's really important (which is not material possessions).
Just something to think about anyway š
Edited to add so my point isn't missed:
My kids are fine, they're quite confident in their style choices. They came home today and i helped them pick weather/school appropriate outfits that they were happy with (they're still young so need assistance in that regard) and we put them away for Friday. They likely won't think twice about it, so I'm definitely not spreading my anxiety to them!
I didn't/won't rush out and buy them new clothes. It was a brief, irrational desire and I recognised that!!
My post isn't even about Mufti days or nice clothes, it's about sharing how a deliberately mean comment can stick with a person for a really long time. This 20 year old incident isn't something I think about a lot but occasionally it pops up out of the blue and stings like it just happened yesterday and it can let a bit of self doubt creep in (I still can't bring myself to wear red floral prints)!
I honestly beleive almost everyone could name a similar "mean comment" experience. You can hear a million nice things and never remember them but the negative tends to stick around!
13 Replies
So well said, kids are horrible and I remember kids being teased for what they wore on mufti days!
My high schooler had a free dress day recently and I asked him what he was going to wear and he just shrugged his shoulders and said 'I'm just going to wear my uniform'. And its not because he doesn't have nice clothes, he just literally does not care about clothes š. Getting him to put some effort in is a bit of a mission but I do love how he somehow missed this whole teenage thing of being obsessed with brands and looking like everyone else their age. I wish I was brave enough to do that in high school.
I'm sure your kids will look lovely and if any other kid says anything then you know who to keep your kids away from.
Have you ever thought that your mum had similar thoughts when she dressed you in those clothes all those years ago and never voiced it because you were too young? Your children may never feel as confident as possible if it isnāt them making their own decision.. maybe instead of stressing With your own kids about what is fashionable you let your children choose what they want to wear from their own cupboards? In your own instance if you were able to wear your absolute favourite clothes that day do you think that one comment would have hurt as much?
Iām not trying to take away from the fact that any negative comment can be held onto for years I 100% agree with you, Iāve just found with my own children (who arenāt biologically mine but I have full custody of), their confidence levels went through the roof when they were given the reigns and they seem to end up with a tougher skin so comments from others donāt make as much of an impact.
I get that youāve always thought about that comment but going and buying your kids a new outfit would be teaching them that the stuff in their cupboards isnāt good enough to be worn to a special event,
Maybe your mun thought always stressed over that day, and had the same thoughts but she done her best and as a mun you should do the same
Damn, go get yourself some counselling before you pass this anxiety on to your kids. Why donāt you just ask them what they would like to wear and let them wear it.
I think some people here are missing the point, she is anxious about her kids mufti day because of her own experience, she already knows she doesn't need to buy new clothes but feels she has to, to save her kids getting bullied like she did. She is also pointing out that even though it was only one event it had the same effect on her as relentless bullying because it is still affecting her years later.
Thank you for getting it!!!
My kids are fine, i caught myself being ridiculous before I went nuts buying new clothes and I certainly don't need therapy for one unpleasant childhood memory that pops up from time to time.
My point, we all probably have a mean or unnecessary comment that has stuck with us over time, that one mean comment that occasionally plants a seed of self doubt!
So before one goes and makes a nasty or snide throw away comment, we should just stop and think how those words may effect someone!
I know I personally don't want to be responsible for having that kind of effect on someone, and I deeply hope I have never been that thoughtless!
We do say once is mean, but we do also talk about bucket filling and bucket dipping and you never know if that person's bucket has already been dipped empty that day.
Mean isn't okay.
Ask your children what THEY want to wear. Dont send them in their best clothes, after all they are going to be running around and perhaps getting pen or something on it, but don't send them in their daggies either. If you don't like something then try to convince them to wear something else ie 'oh Sally thats a great choice for a shirt but I think these shorts would be more appropriate/match better'. But don't buy them new clothes. Good luck
Thank you, i appreciate the advice but perhaps you should read my edit š
In high school I was reffered to as ātrailerā all of my friends parents except one decided to move their kids to the ābig smokeā so they had better opportunities. It was just me and one other. I picked my classes so I had friends in them and none of them were there anymore to do the classes with me. I then followed the group around and was hence forth reffered to as trailer. Now one of those girls is in my peer group as an adult. Itās really hard to speak to her even almost 20 years later. I was called a boy for having short hair in year 1 Iāve never cut my hair that short again. I wonāt let my daughter cut her hair short either. Iām also proof that words hurt and stick with you. I was critisied my whole life. Today I tried a sport and I spent the end 20 mins critising myself because I didnāt do very well and my friend picked me up on it and I had to stop it.
It was kind of a running joke in high school that I was the "tag along" friend (I was shy and a bit awkward so I didn't stray too far from my friends either). Made me feel like I was just an annoyance.
I actually struggle to trust new friends now as an adult because I irrationally feel like they're too polite to tell me I'm being annoying, which logically i know isnt right but it's partiality caused by those silly, little, insignificant words.
It was 1998 but I still remember what I was wearing when a child insulted me on free dress for my clothes. I remember her name and what she wearing. Kids can be mean.
When I was in year 10 I had a guy at school call me āsaggy titsā
It took me til late 20s to really feel comfortable with my boobs again. My husband did a lot of encouraging and work over the years to help me come to terms with it.
2 words... 10ish years...
you never know how words will affect someone.