Hello, I am writing to seek advice, not judgement please.
I am a stepmother, for almost 4 years I've been looking after my little stepdaughter. She is 4 now.
I try everything to be on good terms with her mum which just started having her full time. I wrap up little gifts (usually a professional photo in a frame plus a gift card) for bdays mothers day and Xmas plus a nice card. She knows that I'm the one doing it. I never receive a thanks, and the next minute she will upload the photo 'no filter needed'. OK I wasn't even sure if you received it, but nice that you liked it, Which still doesn't stop me from Doing it as my stepdaughter sees that I care for her mum and I find that important.
I am a little social media friend and like sharing my step daughter. I have her mother on Facebook also to allow video calls when she is up here, so does my partner.
I have her already on restricted terms because she always writes my partner complaining about a couple photo of us, or a family shoot or anything like that. Basically if she sees a photo of me and my partner, she will let the mood out on him by not Video calling for an entire day or two. We usually call twice a day.
She use to date someone recently and had family photos done up, which was not a problem but as soon as we do it (it's max once every two months or even less that I post a photo of her) she says that people think this is my kid and it makes her so angry. I always capture a photo so it excludes anyone thinking that and anyone knows anyway. On the beginning I use to tag her mum because she was just so cranky and wouldn't let my partner see the kid and I think it's been now such a long time.
I can't have kids and she is like my little bubba, I know a lot of people say nothing top the special mother bond but we also have a very strong bond and my family lives overseas so they love seeing photos of me and my life here, and I have always been sensitive in regards to what I put up.
My partner pays her fair maintenance (via csa, he is on low income, however I am not and holidays or such is usually out of my pocket) and she keeps on asking for a lot more money, it's always medicals. So I suggested if she could supply invoices for doctors or medical so I can at least claim some through private health. Little girls has no medical concerns except for a flu. And she went filthy on him, saying why I am demanding receipts, she can spend it on whatever she wants and doesn't need to prove it. Apparently it's a lot more than just doctors.
I transfer the money out of our joint account and it's been 80 maintenance a week and an extra 300 just for medicals. I do all the financials and after him Asking several time and she getting defensive, I asked politely if she could put them in her bag when I pick her up today.
She said to him it's non of my business financially, it's him and hers.
So today, I received a lovely photo from my friend that she took privately at a party. It's amazing and I uploaded it. She flipped her marbles and said why I always have to do photoshoots (I do one once a year for her birthday to create a album, those photos I usually frame to give to those occasions mentioned, the other photos are suualy backyard photos) , she doesn't care if she or he gets it as a present, it's unnecessary. I haven't posted anything in four months. She said I stepped on her toes to many times, and to even butt in financially. Well we share finances and she never listens to him about the receipts and makes him feel guilty for not wanting to send her money for the girl.
She always makes remarks too about how many cars I'm Driving and
And how many holidays we go on. Like she is constantly in his grill. But yet she gets her hair extended, nails on fleek ALWAYS and she can afford the latest shoes and brand clothing, I don't know how she does it.
I know a parental plan should be in place to stop this blackmailing but I don't even know what to do. I want my Facebook life for my friends and family and I So I just want to delete her but then she will go against him again. She nearly didn't let us take her over the weekend this time because of that. I deleted her of Instagram a while ago and she was just so angry and didn't call for five days, threatened him to only be able to visit (she lives 1000km away). I have restricted her from my posts also but it's like she stalks me, she gets her friends to check out my page or her sister. And once she got up my partner for restricting her on photos because she seems those photos via a mutual friend. Can't win. Best not to socially share nothing. But all this effort for one person?
I know people probably say 'just don't post anything woman and let them deal their issues' I just feel that's unfair? I don't know maybe I'm Wrong
EDIT
mother posts plenty of photos on Sm as well of he rkid, and she never minded it when she was tagged or if she receives them via messenger. She even Screenshots my photos of her and uploads them herself, I took a backyard photo of my dog, housecow and her. And she took that photo and made it her cover photo. So it's obviously not about the Facebook thing. It seems like that she hates it when she isn't involved or has been invited in the first place. She also use to go on my instagram and copies all my photos of her as well as her and my partner and made a album for him for fathers day. The gifts that I buy are usually chosen by the little one, I give her some. Money to pick something and let her pick a card and draw something in it.
In the meantime we found out that she is going to a bulk billed doctor all along
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Nobodys innocent in this one. Its ongoing and always messy.
You ALL need to know that coparents fighting, picking and not working together ALWAYS negatively impacts the child.
If you really believe you're the victim, your solution is zero contact and zero involvement with her and their coparenting. His solution is a plan and minimal (polite) contact. Anything else is not in the best interest of the child.
She wrote that he pays $80 a week.... and then she asks for an occasional medical bill...
I don’t know what poster your referring to?
80 a week plus 300 a month, it says that on this post
She paid 300 this month, but they pay 80 per week.
I didn’t realise that $300 was every month. But tbh $620 a month is prob a fair amount of child support to be paying. Depending on where she is based that would only be 1.5 weeks of rent. Yes she lives with other people but we don’t know her bills.
Yes correct that was my post too
Child support is based on dads income because he is the one that is biologically linked to the child. It’s is not step mums job to provide for the child outside of her home. She can spend her money on what ever she damn well feels like be it photo shoots that mum benefits from too. Maybe dad could get a better paying job and have a higher income where he can give more money that isn’t going to make his life even harder or rely on his partner to pay his on going bill until the child is 18. I lived on a SPP, with fam tax a and b with 3 children and managed to pay $380 a f/n to keep my car that I purchased whilst with my ex. He didn’t give me extra money to do this nor did I ever ask him to pay for our children’s meds or school fees or anything extra and he’ll no would I ever expect his girlfriend to pay me extra money because she was well off. If mum has the ability to constantly buy the child new clothes and toys then she can damn well learn to budget better and pay for the stuff she needs whilst the child is in her care. Or she can go out and get herself a job and pay for the shit she wants. If she gets a higher paying job than dad she’ll owe him child support and be entitled to nothing. She needs to woman up and do something with her life instead of expecting hand outs all the time. She moved, she took her child away from where dad was, she made her decision. She gets $80 a week for one kid. I get that for 3 and ones meds costs me $96.39 a month and another’s cost me $50 a month. Don’t ask me about the doctors bills or the school fees I pay myself with my partner. If he cannot afford to give her more she should not be asking for more no matter how much money step mum has. As long as she is providing for the child in her home that’s what matters!! And it seems she goes above and beyond what she actually needs to do.
I don't know why you're copping crap over this, bio Mum is definitely in the wrong here. She can't use her child as blackmail like that, or as a punishment that is so sick. Only pay her what CSA says to pay, if she wants more than that then she can apply through CSA. If she can't provide receipts then I would say its not going on what she says. I would go to court to cement custody and face time in, it might be costly but its worth it to stop the bullshit or at least be able to do something about it. As for photos I would just keep any of the child off social media and don't send Mum any, she can get her own.
Your financials have nothing to do with what he pays for Child Support. His earnings are based on what he pays in child support. Mum is jealous because you have a good job, you have a nice car, you can go on holidays, what she doesn’t realise or understand is that you earn your own money and you don’t have to contribute to the upbringing of her child only what happens in your house. She’s shitty because you can do nice things with her daughter and can’t. She’s jealous as hell and that’s not your issue. Your partner needs t tell her that she’s only getting $80 a week from him and that if she wants more money for medical bills etc she will supply you with receipts because it’s your money you’re handing over that is what she’s getting extra. If she’s unhappy supplying you with receipts then she no longer receives anything extra. If my ex had a girlfriend that wanted to spend time with my kids, helped them create something with them for me and had them give it to that I would love. If she earned good money and had nice things I wouldn’t care becasue my children would be benefiting from it. As long as what she was doing holidays m/cars etc didn’t impact the time with their father id not give a crap at all. However if my ex took custody of my kids and I needed to pay child suport. He’d get sweet fa because I don’t actually have a job and won’t be getting one as geographic location wouldn’t allow. Tell him he needs to contribute to the house equally as well as pay his required child support and sort out his ex and tell her if she wants more money that will come from your earning not his then she will give you invoice otherwise no extra cash will be received. I don’t ask my ex for anything extra because he cannot afford it and I know that I do not want to drive him into the ground. I will take the cost because as a family we can afford it. I wouldn’t dream of asking for anything from any of his girlfriends that’s just rude!!!
Dear OP,
Here is the problem.
Yes bio mum is making life difficult. It sucks. But you can’t change her. You can only set up things that make it easier for your PARTNER to maintain a relationship with his child. By default that helps you maintain your relationship.
Stop antagonising the woman! It’s not about who is right it’s about keeping that relationship with the child.
Stop posting the pictures! It’s not that hard. Send them privately if you must, or open a secret group with just your family. Post the pictures there. Don’t dig your heels in on this.
Step out of negotiations etc. that just antagonises the mother. It doesn’t matter who is right or wrong, just don’t. It’s about making life smoother for this little girl!
The rest is up to your partner. It’s up to him to set the boundaries in regards to finances. He can talk to child support agency and get it set up through them, very easily. He can also get parenting plans drawn up. It’s time for him to take back some control. If he won’t do that, then you have a problem with him, not the mother.
Exactly. We get vilified for suggesting things that would settle the situation instead of saying "oh no... She's awful". She might be awful, who knows? But the only thing that this poster has control over are her actions and reactions.
First of all your husband needs to grow some balls and not give her a cent for medical as all children under 16 are covered by Medicare in this country.! Secondly, you need to restrict her on your Facebook so she doesn’t see your photos and problem solved. She prob is jealous that her daughter thinks the world of you. It would be hard for a mother but until this woman matures, moves on or has another child she won’t change. Don’t let her see these photos on fb. You can exclude her name from each post. Don’t give her any photos or gifts anymore put a stop to that. Get her daughter to draw her a card and that’s it. Clearly she doesn’t want the photos even though your heart is in the right place. You spent the money to do it, so keep them for your partner. They are yours and his. Not hers., let her do that if she chooses to. No matter what you do, she won’t like it so stop with the gifts to her. A home made gift from her daughter is more than enough. Your husband needs to have less contact with this woman and not hand over a cent to her. You go through child support, you pay the correct amount and that is it.!!! This is so stupid. He doesn’t need to pay anymore than what is required by law, so don’t. If he wishes to he can save money in an accoutn for her but do not hand it over to the mother, she gets what she is entitled to. Why would he hand it over 🙄 she is using the child and medical bills as an excuse to get money out of him. She wouldn’t have medical bills and if she does, that’s what child support is for!!! Your husband needs to tell her to keep out of his personal life and you need to stop with the gifts and fb. Yes you are doing right by this little girl but her mother will never see it this way. The mother is controlling your partner with his daughter to get what she wants. Ignore her!!!!
This is why i always recommend people go thru the child support agency...they decide the amount and thats that. Accepting a step mother for your child is hard but it seems she is taking things a bit far..it will be less stress on everybody if you didn't have her on social media. She cant stop dad from seeing the child so i would go thru mediation so she can't use that as a punishment anymore. Good luck
Stop posting so much to social media. It’s not a necessary part of life. And ultimately mum has a say where her child’s photos end up.
They get a bloody parenting plan in place!
Block the mum on all social media
Your partner co-parents with his ex. You stay out of it all
You’re trying too hard, stop making this about you and how nice you think you’re being.
It really grinds my gears when blokes like this get a new chick (that’s you), and he moves the good little woman (yep still you) in straight away to parent his child for him.
Ok, so you love this little girl, well she has a mother, and you can’t fake how you feel about her mother, no matter how many “look at how nice I am” gifts you give her. The little girl will know. So reflect on that. Go see a psychologist and do some therapy on why the need to be liked by this woman. You should not need to have any contact with her at all, and stay out of their financial arrangements. I think you’re a control freak. That’s my professional opinion. You’re welcome
😯 i dont think this is a "professional" opinion LOL nasty
You are unintentionally making this far more difficult than it needs to be. Completely separate yourself from BM. You are not friends. The way you gave set things up is unnecessarily emotionally torturing both of you.
You and your partner should unfriend her on all social media. Lock your profiles down so she can't see anything. Stop checking her profile. He can still Facebook call her if they are not friends.
Don't argue about medical expenses. If she provides receipts, pay half. If she doesn't, end of story. Stop stressing over it.
Stop giving the ex presents, unless your partner organizes it. She does not interpret it in he way that you intend it.
Completely separate yourself from BM, and focus only on your sd. It's the only way you will have sanity long term.