I need help because I realise now this has become my issue. Bit of background my husband for past several yrs has been away a lot for work, which means anything and everything that has ever needed to be done around the home or with the kids Ive always done unless I physically couldnt do. The housework/lawns and kids were always all sorted before he came home so we could always enjoy our limited time together without having worry about it. Recently our situation change and he is now home everynight and every weekend. Even now i try to make sure everything is done before the weekend. Anyways last Friday after spending the day cleaning the house and mowing the lawn I asked him to do me a favour a do a small job so I could jump in the shower. He came back with "why cant you do it?" I was so stunned and so angry at him I told him i wouldnt ask him to do anything for me ever again. Even though we talked about it and I said to him that I never ask him to do anything and when I do im greeted with ffs mumbled under his breath. He apologised and has been making an effort to help a bit more. However I have noticed he has been offering to do things and Im saying no that I will do it. I know my defenses so to speak are high with regards to doing shit around the house and asking for help. He asked me several times last night if i wanted him to make me some toast (been sick all day) while I was doing dinner for him and kids. I kept saying no Ill do it and I could tell he was feeling like shit and even though i know I cant physically and mentally do everything, subconciously im shutting him out in regards to helping me.
How do I stop? How do I let him help without my fears of the mumbling under his breath. How do I stop doing everything? I will admit I am worried that he will throw it back into my face that he did this or that or that a month down the track I will ask him to do something to be answer with why cant you or mumble under breath. Its like I said i wouldnt ask for help and Im sticking to that.
How do I let him Help?
How do I let him Help?
Posted in:
Relationships & Marriage, Mental Health, Behaviour
7 Replies
If nothing changes. Nothing changes! Give him the opportunity to help. If he throws it back in your face your back at square one which sucks but if he doesn’t he may continue to a point where he stops asking and takes initiative and does what he sees needs doing!
I agree.
I was in a similar situation with my husband who was doing nothing and I got sick at the same time as he lost his job so he suddenly was helping out with the housework. I thaught great he listened to me asking for help as at the time I was unwell. Well long story short, after a week he cracked it, huge fight, almost left and went back to doing nothing.
While my situation wasn't ideal ateast now I know.
I get it. It’s hard and I’m kind of going through a similar thing because I’ve always said, okay with the kids when you’re home and I’ll get everything else done. But our kids are getting more independent so he sits there while I try and get things done.
I think it’s about just being a bit more aware and starting small. I’ve just been asking him to chop up and prep things at dinner time for me. Or I’ll say things like “the dishes need to be done and a load of washing is ready to be hung. Which did you wanna do? I’ll do the other!”
I’m still in the mentality that I’d rather just do it all myself rather then pulling up my balls and asking for it to be done regardless if he huffs and puffs. I don’t want to be that kind of fiancé/wife and he doesn’t wanna be a lazy shit, so we both have to do tiny little things that are uncomfortable/annoying to make it work
You both need to swallow your pride and talk about it. Sit down and discuss what the new arrangement means in regard to household duties including cooking/cleaning/looking after children etc then move forward as a team. He has apologised and has started making some changes in the way of asking you what needs to be done. Now it's your turn to start making a change and saying yes and telling him what you would like him to do. When family dynamics like this change it's easy for us to sit there and think well he's home now he should just start doing what needs to be done but the reality is that he probably isn't 100% aware of how the household runs on a daily basis so you and the rest of the family need to show/teach him. That means that to start with you may have to ask him to do things that someone else would just see and do but hopefully as you both adjust to the new routine things will fall into place. But sharing your expectations with each other is the place to start!
You are in a routine and routines are hard to break. You do everything and you have your way of doing it all.
For instance I probably wouldn't let my partner put away linen and towels because I have a specific way of folding them etc. Your brain knows how you want things done so you automatically say no or do it.
I always remember this quote my friend told me: "You can't pour from an empty cup".
In your story you were feeling sick and he offered toast why didn't he offer to cook dinner so you could make toast and go sit down. Or you could have said no but do you mind finishing dinner so i can make it then sit down and rest.
It's hard but you have to look after yourself and burning yourself out to the point you can't help anyone isn't ideal.
Start small. Make a goal that everyday you have to let your husband do one thing for you. Then the next week (or however long you feel comfortable with) make it two tasks so on and so forth.
It takes longer to break a habit than creating the habit.
Why is it ‘helping’? He’s a bloody adult who lives there too! Go see a couples counselor and you each sort your shit out. For now, he’s a lazy shit and you’re playing the martyr
Work out how to co-exist under the new living arrangement
Write him a list. Let him mumble away.... Make yourself a coffee! He lives there too he needs to take responsibility. If mumbling continues tell him to stop.