My parents have disowned my family.
Sorry this is a long one.
My father has always been one where you have to walk on eggshells, he is never happy for/with you, he will flip a switch and start talking with such venom I don't know how to react. There is always someone who is wrong and it's never him. He picks on and bullies his grandkids.. He sneers down his nose at the kids telling them they're “acting like girls”.
My nephew is used to getting his own way. He behaves badly and then his mother (my sister) loses her temper and calls him Asshole (which obviously isn't what she should be doing). Nephew just does what he wants and ignores her.. I see my nephew is copying some of his behaviour from his grandfather.
My mum just doesn't react to any of this shit, seems to have blinkers on. She wants so badly for everyone to get along.
Anyway, we told both of our families we want to have a quiet Christmas this year - just us and the kids (we normally spend our time driving between family Christmas parties, never at home or somewhere we want to be). My parents conveniently forget and decide we should all go on a holiday with them. I repeat what we were planning, and then it starts. The accusations and venom, that it's disappointing THEY will not see us for Christmas. So we say we would like to just have a conversation with the other side of our family - because at this point we feel like if we go on the holiday they'll be offended as we said we would not be seeing either side of our family.
Result is Dad has decided he is “FINISHED” with my family, blocked us on social media etc. Apparently mum has told him that was mean and uncalled for, but I'm not sure if I can ignore his bad behaviour and tantrums anymore.
I try to not give him the power of a reaction, but he obviously wants someone to hate and vilify so much he has to tear apart the family.
All my sister was concerned with was that I rang mum, but I don't feel like I can in case dad is there. I expressed that to my sister, and now I am completely rejected by my family.
I feel so sad my family is disposable over such a stupid thing. I just don't know what to do and feel so hopeless about everything.
12 Replies
This may seem odd but join or look into reddit ( its an app and also a website) search justnofamily or raisedbynarcissists it is a great support community and can help you unload issues and have very useful feedback. They know what you are dealing with and can help. Good luck!
I have vaguely heard of reddit, but know nothing about it. Will look into what you recommend thank you.
Sounds a bit crazy! I can't cope with people talking to my kids like that so I probably would have cut down to minimal contact ages ago. I think you should continue to do what you initially wanted to do, he is having an adult tantrum, don't give in! If your sister and mother want to get dragged along and let his petty decisions rule their lives then that is their problem.
We (my family) have been more and more on the outer anyway, so minimizing contact wasn't an issue.
Dad has been targeting my eldest more and more over the last year or so, and this has been a significant issue for me. We have had heart-to-heart conversations with our eldest about how adults can be bullies too, and he understands this is not OK behaviour to put up with - even from a family member.
As for my sister and mum I'm sure they'll be fine as long as someone else (being me and my family) is the scapegoat for everything wrong.
They have done you a favour. While it is painful for you, you and your family will be better off for it.
They sound toxic and narcissistic. If you give in it will only fuel the behaviour.
If your dad decides to unblock you he will have to send a friend request - do not accept because he'll just do ot again.
If he's like that when you visit how will he be when you are away on holiday?
That's exactly it. It's been this gradual decline over years and I don't think I could take any more of their comments/behaviour. I don't think I can go back on any of this. But I know they'll expect to just be able to act like nothing happened. I'm over it.
Thanks for your comment.
If his behaviour is this bad, I’d say good riddance. You don’t need that negativity around your family and kids. If your mum and sister aren’t doing anything to stop it, then they are just as bad for enabling it. We don’t allow this type of behaviour around out kids and have culled people out of our lives for causing it.
With regards to Christmas, I personally don’t get the whole it’s time for a quiet Christmas. Christmas is the time of year where you run around seeing all the family. It’s the time of year you put all your family first and invest that time with them. Yes it’s a pain but really it’s once a year. If you want a Christmas at home, try hosting it at your house so you aren’t doing all the travelling. Personally I think having a quiet Christmas with just you and the kids is selfish and unfair on the other families. If you want quiet family time, there is plenty of school holidays through out the year you can do this.
We wanted to have a quiet Christmas for a change - because it's not just us driving to 2 events, it's expected we go to 4 or 5. I'm so freaking over the Christmas season being dominated (both sides of our family) and it just feels like we need a break from their crap. We go in, help out best we can, smile and say all the right things, and it's exhausting. There's always someone making snide remarks because you don't do something quite right. And because it's that time of year we let it slide. Year after fncking year.
As for having it ours, we've suggested this in the past, and they don't even bother with a reply (verbal or written). We don't even rate a conversation about it. They have their ideals and there is no chance of change.
This will be a long reply =) Firstly, you have every right to feel deeply hurt, angry, confused, overwhelmed, bullied and sad. Every emotion you're feeling is valid - if you speak to anyone who tries to disregard and downplay your feelings, it confirms that they've never quite been in this position before and cannot fully comprehend this situation.
When I fell pregnant with my first child 3 years ago a switch seemed to flick with my Mil. A once happy and easy going relationship between myself and husband and his parents vanished. Once my baby was born it got worse. My Mil became possessive of us, possessive of our baby, possessive of our time, controlling, very emotionally manipulative, would sulk when we did visit because it either wasn't a long enough visit, we didn't visit multiple times a week, we wanted to also see other friends and family, you name it, she was upset. Unfortunately her husband (my fil) is very much an enabler and can't stand his wife being 'upset', obviously this is a normal response for someone you love, but too bad if we were feeling the stress, upset and hurt due to her poor behaviour, it was all our fault and we needed to keep her happy...
I spoke to so very many people about this situation over months and months, not just my own family members who may have been biased, but friends who I knew would keep me in check, to gauge whether the reactions from my Mil were starting to get worse to almost emotionally abusive. It got so upsetting after so long that I went to speak to a counsellor who suggested some narcissistic qualities seemed to be coming out, that's when I started really noticing the patterns and the red flags.
I'm no saint but I have always tried very hard to have a good relationship with my in laws and treat them with respect, but in the end my husband and I were so unhappy and fed up with the immature carry on, which my husband also started to regard as bullying, that he put his foot down and literally cut contact after a particularly rough incident just before Xmas 2017.
We went away for that Xmas with our little boy, it was the most wonderful time away, we felt no guilt, no stress, we finally put ourselves first and invested in our own emotionally well being. We didn't see them at all. It wasn't until we had a bit of distance that we could see how both of his parents were actually causing issues, but in their own ways. It wasn't until then that my husband finally confided after many years that his mother always seemed to get her own way through tears and 'her stress' and his father was just as toxic, always feeling as though you'd be walking around on egg shells, could be quite the bully with name calling, 'saying you're acting like a girl', nothing was ever good enough and it was his way or no way.
As hard as it was on my husband he felt he had to stand up to this behaviour and say enough was enough and he did that through silence. His parents pushed and guilted and pushed and guilted, texts, calls, the names we were called, the screaming from them down the end of the phone. My husband refused to be pushed around by them anymore. When there continued to be no contact they'd try another tactic.
After many months my Mil finally realized she wouldn't get anywhere continuing the way she was, unless she owned her behaviour and was accountable and she eventually apologised. It's been a very slow and very painful road back to some semblance of a relationship. As awful and stressful and deeply upsetting as this situation was, it was by finally standing up to this behaviour that we had a break through. I guess we are lucky in that we got an apology when so many people have dealt with similar situations and never get that resolution, and obviously noone can say how this situation will work out for you and your family, but please, please don't give in to these tantrums. Your father is a bully and your other family members are enabling this behaviour because it's 'easier' to just go along with it, but it's not, it's compromising everyone else's mental health and emotional well-being. This may be one of the hardest things you have to deal with, but please know that you are taking back that power by saying enough is enough. You deserve to be happy, you deserve peace of mind and so does your little family. Please don't justify this disgusting behaviour from him because it's 'easier' and keeps everyone else happy because it comprises your own self respect. Just know you're not alone. Sorry for the long post, but after the experience we had I feel very passionate about people standing up to this, especially when it's family. Good luck x
Thanks for your reply, yes it sounds very similar.
Right now I am feeling quite depressed about it all. I've tried to speak to my mum but so far it seems like her response will be (as usual) to not talk about it and pretend everything is fine. There is not really much else I can do about it - I'm not going to put up with his bullshit any more. It'll get better in time I know.
I feel like I could have written this post. I rarely comment on things on social media but, for once, I completely understand and can relate 115%. The beginning is the toughest, you’ll question yourself endlessly and wonder how this can posssibly be a positive situation. What am I depriving my children of if they don’t have a relationship with their grandparents? Perhaps I should just apologise - lay low until things settle down?
Well, I am now 18 months out of having stuck it out, I attempted reconciliation at the beginning of the conflict and I was tired, I was tired of having to walk on egg shells, grovel and please the 2 people in my life that were supposed to love and care for me the most, that were supposed to want the best for me and my family. Having my own children put so much in perspective for me and how much I cherish their little lives, their little feelings and how I could shape their lives for the better. The past 18 months have been the most impactful of my life and I didn’t actually think I would ever achieve such personal growth from such a negative place and situation.
Let them be ‘finished’, they are the ones who’ll miss out. Invest yourself in you and your little immediate family and love it with all you have. Your heart knows something isn’t right here, listen. People like this rarely change. There will always be other times where you’re made feel the same, it’s only a matter of time.
Much love and strength to you 🌼 x
Thanks, it has been a very stressful year so far with this happening. I know exactly what you mean about the relationship between kids and grandparents, but to be honest I don't feel my parents were all that involved with my kids anyway.
The best that has come out of this has been the conversations we've had with the kids as they understand a lot more than we give them credit.
When we were around my parents our eldest was starting to do what I used to do as a kid - go hide in a room and read a book, because your mere presence made you a target. I don't think I could continue with the way things were going.