Please help me make sense of this ongoing heartache I feel?
After 45 years of confusion, I’ve come to realize that my sister is extremely toxic and ultimately (somehow) dictates the dynamic of the family.
I love my sister, but if she wasn’t my sister I would run for the hills. My sister is deep down and mostly quite blatantly, very selfish, opportunistic, hurtful, controlling, mean, victimized by everything, manipulating but then can be can VERY charismatic, charming, convincing when she needs something, has an opportunity to gain something, there’s always an agenda. Like close to Christmas, before her birthday, if someone is selling their property, writing their wills she is right there like bee to the honey.
There’s this cycle that keeps happening between my mum, my sister and my grandmother. For geberally 3 to 8 months of the year my sister cracks it bigtime about something or causes rifts and despises mum and grandma, and they are heartbroken, devastated and shocked (every time it’s the same deal) and I have to be the conduit between the 3 to get family events etc organized. The 3 lean on me, or should I say drain me during this time and Somehow i become everyone’s best friend and counselor/mediator. I remain as impartial as possible during this phase.
Then it’s like a switch is flicked, and her, mum and grandma are best friends. it’s like she casts a spell and everyone forgets how abhorrent she has been. Which, if that’s okay with the 3 of them, whatever, but they then DROP ME, HUBBY & KIDS LIKE HOT POTATOES. No reason, no warning.
It’s all happens suddenly. The on and the off. I was blinded to this cycle for approx 40 years as it’s onlu the past few where I’ve been able to see this cycle.
So ultimately I’m the one left completely alone, in the dark, feeling used and neglected. My husband and kids the same. My kids don’t get to see most of the family during this time. Like poof! Disappeared without warning.
I have had enough. But I don’t know how to make it stop without excluding them from my life all together.
Please, any advice or insight would be appreciated. TIA
3 Replies
My Mil is like this. For 20 years I have tried to work her out and now I have written her off as being a narcissist. She plays her kids off against each other, 2 boys and 3 girls. She can't like both boys at once, one has to be a golden child and the other is a pos. Funny thing is she changes who the golden child is. My partner will have a turn for months or maybe even a year or two. In this time we are treated so well, help offered, invited everywhere, theres interest in our daily lives and she can talk on the phone for ages. Kids are often spoiled and bragged about. When he's in the dog box it is completely different. She goes out of her way to make our lives hard. We get asked to do all kinds of things for her and if we can't do it she carries on about how much she has done for us. She shows no interest in our lives or kids at all and never rings or invite us anywhere. Then bang it all changes. With her girls she has always had the constant golden child which is her youngest and the scape goat never changes, but her middle daughter gets slung between the two and there is always rifts between the siblings depending on who the favourites are. I have noticed Mil also causes the same trouble at her work where she is manager, there are always rifts between the workers and she will often change her allies. My advice to you is to stay strong next time they are arguing and don't engage in any of their crap no matter how nice and needy they are. Let them sort their own problems out and don't get dragged in.
I had a similar situation with my sister. She would be happily involved in family life then when her mental health declined she’d go awol and everyone would worry and rally around and so it would go. In the end I was so heavily invested in her life and wanting her to be happy that when she would go back to her toxic ways / toxic boyfriend etc I’d be crushed, confused and angry. I’d argue with her and other members of my family about her, it was terrible. In the end I went to see a councellor and she reminded me that we can’t control how people behave, how they live their lives or the choices they make. It gave me clarity. I took a break from her, focussed on my own family, created boundaries and now we’re doing ok. I don’t get involved in her dramas with her or the family - it’s a no go zone! We’ll never be as close which is a bit sad but we’re friendly and civil and honestly I think this suits her too. The pressure is off her to behave a certain way. It worked for us. So my advice is counselling. Good luck!
Don’t be so involved. Enjoy your own life and your own family. Keep them at an arms length so you don’t play their games. Maybe see a counselor to work on your self esteem, as it seems you’re quick to be the fixer and support person to feel useful and loved. But what do these people bring to the relationship? Do they enhance the lives of you and your kids?