hi mums. my kids father and I have been split for nearly a year. I left him because he was emotionally and occasionally physically abusive, very controlling and not to mention a high functioning alcoholic. When we split up I was and still am very easy going in regards to the kids.he Can see them whenever he wants, kids call him whenever they ask I will never say no within reason. right now he has them 1 day a week, on the odd occasion for the night. I am happy to continue these arrangements as I believe all kids have a right to see their fathers, however the problem is he doesn't know how to communcate. we often end up in fights because he can't organise drop offs/pick ups properly. I've smsd him the plans, he's confirme, then the day off pick up he changes things and gets extremely aggravated when things don't go his way. for my kids birthday we had it planned for a month. the day before the birthday I call him to double check the plans as I know what he's like and once again we've had to change the whole day because he doesn't listen when I talk. he asked to pick up the kids last week in the afternoon which was fine, he was taking them out to dinner. I go to a class at the same time every week so asked if I should get them before or after class. he made it so difficult so in the end I didn't go to my class. things like this are always happening. I feel like everything he does, he still finds a way to control what I do. when we were together I used to lie about what time I finished work just so I could meet a friend for coffee because he hated all my friends. he's always asking me questions about what im doing, work etc and Im always very vague. he takes this as lying but I hate him asking questions about my personal life so now he's constantly talking about what a Liar I am. I am absolutely over it. he brings me down. im so happy and as soon as get a phone call from him it ends in arguing and sucks the life out of me. he instantly puts me in a bad mood. everytime he's on the phone he's yelling at me to stop talking. I dont talk to him about anything other than pick up and drop offs for the kids and he still cant communicate properly with me about it. sorry for the novel. if I went through mediation do you think this would help the situation. im not sure if I should bother as we aren't exactly having a custody battle. what ever I do I cant win with him. give him what he wants, he's an asshole. dont give him what he wants and he makes my life hell.
8 Replies
Mediation won’t make it any easier. My ex used to be like this until he found another chick to shag. Once I met someone he started up again. Then one day he kept abusing me so I hung up. I hung up and I just let his calls ring out. He told me in a message that if I hung up one more time he’d be over to kick my door in and fuck me up. I wrote a message back and I was clear as day. You come over here and I’ll have the cops here in seconds. You are not my keeper, you are not my boyfriend, you will not talk to me like you own me ever again. Not even my own boyfriend talks to me the way you are. Keep going and I’ll have a VRO drawn up becasue of your threats. Sometimes guys like your ex need you to stand up to them. Make all of your contact via text or email and make sure you only let the kids answer your phone. My ex would always be shook up when the kids answered and he had to be polite to them. If old enough buy one of them a phone and make sure he only calls on that. My ex these days only calls my phone if our oldest doesn’t answer his calls.
thank you. thats what I thought.I relate to everything you said its crazy. to be honest in the last month or so I have started hanging up on him every single time he raises his voice. the only time I have to speak to him is when he has the kids because its usually trying to organise when they are coming home or when I pick them up.even that is a bloody headache. he calls me 3 times while he knows um at work then cracks it when I finally call back and its always something stupid. I have been waiting for him to get a girlfriend but so far no luck lol. the kids aren't old enough for [hone but do have an iPad which they generally use for calling him. we did have a vro that expired last year and he's pretty smart with his threats, they're never made through text. I have tried so many times to get him to communicate through text but whenever he talks to the kids he always gets them to put me on the phone. its sop frustrating. I feel like he would be 1000x times worse if I met someone so im not even bothering putting myself out there until he is in a relationship. not that I have time to with our kids. I am going to try my hardest to enforce the sms contact. I think once its written in front of him he cant argue with my logic. (he has none)
I agree with pp but I think mediation could be good in that you really need to establish a custody plan. Whilst it’s great you’re so flexible and easy, it’s also another way he is able to control you. If there was a set “every Sunday 10-4” or whatever you guys agree on, it would cut down on the need for unnecessary contact and the frustrations around changing times.
Mediation could be helpful and its wirth giving it a shot. You will work out a parenting plan and if he can follow it, it will be beneficial for everyone.
Don’t keep chasing him up and double checking make the plan and stick to it. You’re giving him a chase to change it because he’s controlling. Only speak through text and limit it to when you have to. Mediation won’t work if you keep babying him. Stop planning everything around him
Mediation was a waste of time for me 15 mins in and the people running it gave me a certificate to take to court because he was being unreasonable. 1 year later and still same problems forgets to call the kids cancels last minute... sometimes i wonder why we bother when its just so emotional for the kids..
Mediation was a waste of time for me 15 mins in and the people running it gave me a certificate to take to court because he was being unreasonable. 1 year later and still same problems forgets to call the kids cancels last minute... sometimes i wonder why we bother when its just so emotional for the kids..
Def go to mediation. He is still abusing you, get some DV support and counselling for yourself.
Set firm boundaries, with him and the kids. Tell them you do not wish to speak to him as he is abusive, text or email only. That way you’re modeling to your kids that they don’t have to just accept this kind of shit behaviour from someone, especially a so-called loved one.
Create a Parenting plan, if he doesn’t comply, go to court. No more second chances. Kids need structure, and they need their mum happy and living her best life. You can’t force him to be a good dad. He’s just not.
Also, speak to the police if he is threatening you.