Hi I just have a question for everyone.
I have a 1.5 year old and my parents in law babysit him maybe once every few months but I get so anxious when they have him. They completely disregard his bed time routine, drink alcohol while caring for him, let people smoke next to him and let him get away with everything. Then when he comes home he is overtired, cranky, and not himself at all. I’m getting to a point where I don’t want them to babysit him... (note I never ask them, they just offer). I’ve confronted them about this telling them why I have rules and routines and they just laugh it off saying “grandparents don’t have rules” then I have to deal with a cranky toddler for 2 days. I just don’t know what to do now. Has this happened to anyone else?
9 Replies
If they don’t respect your boundaries, they don’t respect you, and if they don’t respect you, they don’t get access to your child.
You say you don’t ask them, they offer. Decline.
It’s really easy. Don’t send him.
Are they drunk? If not, then they are more than capable of caring for him whilst having a drink. When you say people smoke next to him, are they smoking inside? Or sitting right beside him? If they're outside and it's not constant smoking and not directly beside him, he probably gets the same amount of exposure as walking past a teenager smoking outside the door at the local shopping centre. Being in the vicinity of smoke irregularly isn't going to result in any dysfunction unless he's asthmatic and it triggers an episode. And how much past bedtime is it? If it's a couple of hours, give him a daytime nap before going, or the next day. Or if he usually has one, let him sleep slightly longer.
Based on what you've said, you could be describing things that aren't that bad and you're being quite difficult... Or you could be describing that they're negligent.
What does your husband think? They're his parents so I'm wondering whether you're struggling because you don't have a very good relationship with them or because they are really difficult? It's not a terrible thing for kids to get spoilt a bit by special people in their lives so I don't really mind grandparents saying they don't have as many rules unless they're not following important things like administering medication, avoiding allergens or providing a safe environment. Someone at the residence who smokes outside, staying up a bit later and having a drink (that's not excessive) isn't typically unsafe.
If you have someone else's kid in your care, you should refrain from drinking in that time - call me old fashioned but I think it's basic respect to stay completely unimpaired in that time.
I won't let my kids stay at places where they smoke inside, one of them is asthmatic but I simply don't want to expose any of them to harmful toxins - that's not being difficult, it's called being a responsible parent.
I'm more relaxed about going outside of our normal routine, my kids know there's different rules at grandma's than at home. Gran might let you stay up late and eat Tim tams for breakfast but that's not gonna fly at home lol.
Really though, if you don't feel your son is safe. Don't send him!
Why do you have people like that caring for your baby. Find someone else even if you have to pay
Grandparents have rules but they're nowhere near as strict as parent rules.
Ice-cream for breakfast? Sure.
Play in the mud while it's raining? Ok, just this once.
Want to watch movies until you fall asleep on the floor under the tv cabinet? I'll get you a pillow for later.
Have some lollies for the ride home, it's a long way.
I'm not a grandma - yet, but I am an Aunt and I'm this Aunt.
Keep your fingers out of the fire, don't poke the dog or eat the dragon, don't pick my flowers without asking and for the love of god don't smear shit all over my walls - other than that, don't break shit is the only really real rule.
Going home tired and cranky is part of the deal. Were you never plum tuckered out after a big days outing as a kid? Never taken your kid somewhere that they couldn't have a nap and got them over tired? It happens and if it's only once every few months where's the harm? If it's that big a drama leave them at the in laws until they've had a morning nap...
Get their thoughts on the drinking and the smoking, ie limit drinks (they probably already do and you just don't see it), smoking outside and sanitizing hands for example. Get these sorted and I reckon you're on a winner.
Um no, they don’t get to look after your baby if they don’t respect your wishes/parenting choices.
Just stop letting them have him until you see improvement. Simple.
I’ve done this. I’ve stood in from of my whole in-law family and read a letter to them about disrespecting my parenting choices, not following through on what I say ect and since then, they’ve improved a whole lot... not perfect, but a whole heap better.
You can’t put up with that shit
Don’t leave him with them it’s that easy. He’s your son and they are obviously set on their ways and probably think once every now and then won’t hurt. It’s ncie that they offer to have him, some people don’t have that. I’d be fine with the bed time but I wouldn’t be ok with them smoking around him. Drinking would be ok if it wasn’t heavy. We all have our own rules and expectations but grandparents also need to respect our way of parenting. Don’t send him. You can’t expect them to change their way of life if this is how they are. I wouldn’t leave my child with someone I was so anxious about leaving them with in the first place. Tell them the truth or make up an excuse and don’t send him there. It’s nice that they offer though and your husband has obviously survived being in their care.
Grandparents do have the privilege of being able to relax some of the rules. Not all of them. Biggest problem is the smoking. If the alcohol is one or two with dinner that's fine, getting drunk isn't.
That said, I'd love it if either of our kids grandparents looked after them. But neither set are interested in spending time with ours, they already have their favourites.