Apologies for the long post.
We have been best friends for 26 years. When we first met she was just recovering from a nervous breakdown (would now be referred to as a psychotic break) where she was catatonic for two years, couldn't dress or feed herself and was totally withdrawn from life. She was not hospitalised but cared for at home by her Mum. We met as she was just starting to venture out into the world again and clicked immediately. We lived in each others pockets for the next few years and even though life has taken us in different directions have always remained close and despite living thousands of kms apart visit each other as often as possible and talk regularly. She is as much of an Aunt to my kids as my blood sister.
Over the years her mental health has remained stable. She has been in the fortunate position of not having to work due to her partner owning his own business and earning a good income. She's very aware of her triggers, the biggest being lack of sleep and over tiredness. She was told after her recovery if she ever had children the hormonal changes in pregnancy and stress/ lack of sleep associated with having a baby could cause another break for her. She came to terms with that and has always seemed content with being the favourite Aunt (not just to my kids but to many others).
A couple of years ago with the onset of menopause she started struggling with depression and anxiety and was prescribed HRT and antidepressants but it was still a tough couple of years for her. Earlier this year she got an awful flu and something about the combination of strong antibiotics, antidepressants and HRT seemed to cause a change in her brain chemistry and trigger mania. She was at first diagnosed with Hypermania and then as it continued Bi Polar 2. It's now been 9 months and whilst she does have short down periods (a couple of hours, a couple of days at most) she is mostly in a constant state of mania. Initially she refused mood stabilisers but has been on them for about 14 weeks now although I can't see much improvement.
She displays all the traditional features of mania-: grandiose ideas, inflated self esteem, mood changes, rapid thoughts, excessive energy, disrupted sleep patterns, impaired judgement, impulse spending etc. And most recently hyper sexuality. With this development she has decided to leave her partner of 18 years. He has stood by her side through all of this and it's heartbreaking to see the affect it's had on him. He is broken, exhausted, worried, demoralised and financially stressed. He is not only mourning the loss of his 18 year relationship but grieving the loss of his lifelong plan to work his ass off and retire at 55 to travel the world (with his partner). Now at 51, with his dream well and truly in sight he's having to buy her a house and pay out the debts she has created as part of their settlement and will likely be working for another 14 years at least.
I can spend hours each day talking to her over the phone as she has pretty well alienated everyone else with her mood changes and aggression. She has adopted a very condescending attitude when people can't keep track of her 300 miles an hour conversations that can change track multiple times. If you disagree with her she treats you as if you are stupid because you 'can't see' and 'she doesn't expect everyone else to be on her level'. She befriends shopkeepers and random strangers who initially think she is amazing and happily swap phone numbers and make plans to meet up again, only to quickly back away soon after, scared off by her intensity which in turn devastates her and causes a down as she realises the impact the condition is having on her life. She recently called out the fire department after an altercation with a friend who kicked the door in frustration as they left. She decided they might come back and attack her but rather than call the police (the logical choice if in fear of being attacked) who she suspected might call the ambulance and have her committed she told 000 there was a fire on her property. She just wanted to see how long it would take emergency vehicles to come. The fire fighters who turned up (two trucks as she had said it was within 100 metres of her property) were understandably pretty annoyed and it took a lot of sweet talking and explaining from her ex partner before they agreed to waive the considerable fine for a false call out (which he would have had to pay for). She sees nothing wrong with her actions.
The thing I find the hardest is the hyper sexuality which has only been in play for the last 6 weeks or so. She is obsessed with sex and talks about it constantly. She at least has enough insight to see that it wasn't fair on her ex to make him her confidante which leaves me as the only one she can discuss all her thoughts, fantasies, crushes, feelings with. The thing is she's quite predatory, very full on and intense, very blunt when 'flirting' with men, is unconcerned if they have a partner and will happily suggest a threesome and so for the most part there's been very little 'action' as most blokes are kind of taken aback. Recently she asked a guy at a local store point blank if he would like to go with her to a concert as she had a spare ticket and stay the night in the hotel with her (concert was a in a neighbouring town). He said yes, if he could get the time off work (Thursday late night shopping, he's the manager). She was very excited, started imagining herself as Step Mum to his child, in depth discussions about the sex they would have, skipping her meds for the day so she would have enough energy for a long, late night session. She sent him a series of texts, photos of the hotel room, pool. He didn't respond and the next day she went into his work to demand an answer. He said he was still waiting to see if he could cover his shift. She got frustrated and couldn't understand why sex with her was not his priority. Needless to say, he didn't show up.
I've had to pull her up a couple of times for making inappropriate comments to my kids (17 yo girl and 15 yo boy). The first time she suggested my daughter was trying to impress boys by wearing high heels when we went out to a nice restaurant for dinner. She went on and on about it. The second time she was man bashing (verbally talking down about men- only think with their dicks, cowards, useless) in front of my son. She thinks I'm unrealistic and burying my head in the sand about their sexuality. I think my daughter is entitled to wear a pair of shoes that she feels elegant in without it being reduced to being about men. And that generalisations about men aren't encouraging my son to be the best man he can be but rather setting the bar for him low and saying this is what women expect.
The latest and of greatest concern is- she's decided to have a child. She's 47 and the chance of conceiving naturally is about 4% according to her doctor. She's talking about freezing her eggs, unprotected sex to try naturally in the meantime, living off the pension, the baby 'fixing' everything. I've challenged her to think about what will happen to the child if she goes down (another breakdown) and what plans she will have in place, how will she cope with months and possibly years of disrupted sleep, a child needing a stable routine (she's barely spent a day at home over the last 9 months) but she brushes me off, has an answer for everything, tells me what she thinks I want to hear and generally thinks it won't happen. But I don't believe any of it. Not just in relation to this issue but to everything she wants what she wants and will find any way to justify it.
Given it's highly unlikely to ever come to fruition maybe I shouldn't be worrying about it but I can't help but think if it does, I'm going to be left holding her baby. I'm 46 and have dedicated the last 20 years of my life to child rearing and now caring for my Mum. I also work in the welfare sector so care for people all day, every day. I don't want to start again but couldn't see her child go into the system. She gets frustrated with me for being 'old and boring' and keeps reminding me about what we were like in our twenties and I should live a little. The thing is - I'm happy being 46. I'm happy being a parent to teenagers and have no desire to re experience all the torment of emotion of that age outside of helping my kids through their experiences. I'm happy with my wonderful partner. I'm not really asking a question here, just having a vent and if you've got this far then thank you. That was way longer than I originally intended. It just all came pouring out.
10 Replies
Okay, what current services are in place for her? And what services for her ex husband in regards to financial and assets?
She needs new social workers, and care.
What you have described to me sounds very much like bipolar and given her long history I’m guessing she might be on clozapine.
The intensity of the conversations needs to be limited. You need some strategies to help you both.
As for the baby situation - speak to her GP and possibly her psychiatrist or health professional.
Who’s th voice of reason with this friend? Is it you? Find whoever the voice of reason is (if there is one) and suggest more group therapies such as walking groups, adult hang outs, movie night and review days (these are perfect for bipolar people because they all love giving their review).
I understand your vent, but I think she needs more intervention to help her live her best life.
I’m sorry if this seems out of line , I’m simply asking an innocent question , but could she be using meth on top of these issues ?
OP here- no question of meth or any other drug use outside of those prescribed. I should have mentioned she has her regular Doctor, a Psychologist and a Psychiatrist. She was discussing putting me down on her list of approved medical contacts (despite me being 1800 kms away) and that will give me access to her Doctor etc to get information first hand. Group therapies is a great idea. Her ex and I are the voice of reason outside her doctors but she doesn't always listen to them. And we walk on eggshells a little, balancing between saying what needs to be said and not wanting her to cut us off the way she has so many others. Sometimes when her ex won't give her what she wants or they fight she'll disappear for days on end and he relies on the fact she's still talking to me to know that she's safe. And vice versa. In her mind she is leading her best life. She sees the brief downs as a small sacrifice compared to the intense energy, confidence and high she feels when manic.
Group therapies lead by professionals are best. They have contact when at therapy with others, but socialising outside the circle is discouraged. This gives them boundaries with friendships. Superficial style friendships, but it’s a small step. I would get on the approved list so you can seek further help if and when you all need it. There will come a point when the ex husband moves on (for whatever reason) and it’ll just be you. It’s too much load for you and you need services to help you all when that time comes.
I honestly feel for you. It’s a hard situation and can be a lot to bear.
So basically youre still friends because you put up with her and anything she throws at you and if you ever said anything it would probably be over. Meanwhile, how exhausting for you. What do you get out of this?
I’m gobsmacked... sounds to me like these women have a longstanding friendship and the poster is someone she values to some extent and is one of the ones she listens to more than anyone else. Mental health is not as easy to manage as you seem to think. Unless you have dealt with someone like this I really wouldn’t comment. Your lack of understanding alone tells me you don’t have a clue 🙄
Thanks for your unrequested and rude opinion.
Every single relationship we have needs to be healthy. We owe it to ourselves and those we love to keep ourselves healthy. If its not, boundaries. If boundaries means you would lose that person, then youre choosing to keep them at your own expense. Why?
You might want to Google codependency and do some honest self reflection.
I think you have to ask yourself at this point "What am I getting out of this friendship?", I mean, aside from knowing her forever and having what you say is a connection, what positives are coming out of this situation for you? Friendship is a two way street, is sounds like you're giving all you've got with very little, if anything in return.
I sense that you feel some responsibility to take care of her, I also sense that you are a loyal friend, local to a fault even but there comes a time where you'll need to draw the line and create some boundaries for the sake of your own mental health. Honestly Hun, I think that time is now.
My mum has bipolar, depression, anxiety and a few other ambiguous undiagnosed issues. She was also hospitalised around 4 years ago and she was not doing well for a good 12 months before that. My mum could be described quite similarly to your friend, most of the time I feel like the person she once was just doesn't exist anymore, sometimes there's a spark of the "old" her but it's usually very short lived.
I had to put some distance between us, frankly, her mental illnesses make her quite unlikable (which I feel awful even saying).
I have learnt 2 things.
1. I am not an emotional dumping ground. I do not need to feel guilty if this all gets too much for me.
2. I literally cannot worry about my mum, because:
A. She will do what she wants regardless.
B. Worrying changes literally achieves nothing
Exhausting!
Your no longer just a friend, a full time carer which on a level you are even with distance.
Set yourself some personal boundaries. You can't "save her". You never could.
Accept her ways, let go of all the choices and decision making you've come to adapt too, in pure loyalty. Let this person carry themselves now. One day resentment will pop up and you'll ask yourself why you didn't pull back a long time ago.
Commend your heart & soul for staying a genuine friend. She has no idea how lucky she was.
This is probably not going to be helpful advice as she doesn’t sound like she’s at a place she can be level but I read an interesting book called “nutrient power: heal your biochemistry and heal your brain” and this reminded me of it.