Hey, I dont know what I'm really after.. I just need to get some things off my chest.
I've been I'm the shower for the last maybe 20 minutes crying, and just everything that I'm awful at has come to my head and I cant think of anything I'm good at. I feel like a complete failure. A waste of space.
I have a 5yo and I'm pregnant with no.2. Today was an event held by some of hubbys friends for friends daughter. I'm not very good at socializing in general. I find it very hard to relate to people or even hold a conversation. It's really awkward for me, and to be honest I dont have friends I haven't known since i was a teenager. About a year ago we moved away from everyone we knew to start a better life. And it turned to shit.
I have a lot of family around me, but no one I can really open up to I suppose.
Anyway we went to this event, mind you I've been up since sparrow fart this morning, after staying an hour I went home to rest and hub stayed with 5 at the event. They have been there basically all day.
That's not the issue, the issue I suppose is him saying to people "oh the missus wont let me do this the missus wants me home, oh I have to talk to the missus" which means he doesnt go out to a lot of after parties I suppose or stay out late, and it's not because I said no, it's his choice, but he makes it out to be me I suppose so he doesnt loose face. But in turn it makes me look like a controlling shit person. He also has a habit of telling people what's going on with me, that I'm struggling with this pregnancy, and I do understand that he needs an outlet, but I dont know these people, I'm having a hard time even interacting with them, and he seems to be telling them my life story. I dont feel comfortable with it.
I also had been finding it hard to find work here, going for a number of job interviews but never getting called back after continuing to chase the opportunity up. Then I fell pregnant and started showing pretty much straight away and low and behold, even harder to find work. I could only find temp work, which didnt guarantee work hours and I would have had to spend about $900 to start the job getting certificates and such in order, for not guaranteed work. And we dont really have that money lying around this time of year, as it's been a real struggle.
Anyway I'm only qualified in one field, I've tried online study but failed at that due to my own self. No one and nothing else to blame, purely my lack of motivation. I dont even know why I'm writing this to be honest. I'm just so disappointed in myself for being the way I am.. an antisocial, whinging thing that doesnt finished what they started.
I dont know. Thanks for reading I suppose.
4 Replies
Omg big hugs to you! You sound so much like me I'm also horrid at being social, i dont even have friends from when I was younger anymore though! Your hubby also sounds sooo much like mine. Telling people problems or issues that are private and always making me out to be some controlling person. I'm just about over it. Obviously finding work while pregnant is gonna be near on impossible so please dont pressure yourself in that regard. Wait till a few months after bub has arrived to really get back into job searching if you can?
I dont have any good advice but you are definitely not a failure or waste of space! Please.dont be so down on yourself. Sounds like you are doing a great job and you u just need someone to talk to or some more support from hubby. hope you feel better soon!!
Write a list of what you enjoy, and what you are good at, and what you want for you for your future. Then start to work on it. Maybe time to have a chat to hubby, and have a conversation around what is okay to be shared publicly vs what needs to stay with the 2 of you and maybe a close friend. (Everyone needs a talking buddy) I would also review why he feels like you don’t let him do things. I would try and creat an arrangement, Around hanging out drinking, so it’s less about what you say and more about mutual understanding. Work when pregnant is hard, could you try call centre work? Or maybe join a mother’s group so you can make friends ? You are worth it, sounds like you are not living your grand plan and you are disappointed.... all okay but you can spend your life doing “what if scenarios” or you can make the best of what you’ve got ☺️ You have got this
I don’t think your husband means anything by it, he is probably realising how awkward you feel and it probably shows to people so it’s his way of covering up for you and making conversation. Don’t take it to heart. I think you probably suffer a bit from social anxiety. Try to talk about the kids and ask people about their kids to get a conversation started, like how old are they, names anything to help you ease into a conversation to help you feel more comfortable. I used to be like this and ended up taking a mild antidepressant and it helped me so much. I don’t have a problem anymore with mixing although I still get anxiety now and then. Your husband would use you for an excuse also to be home with you when he doesn’t want to go out. Maybe say to your husband, you should go out with them, in front of them next time and see what he says. Speak up. Pregnancy is hard, it ads to the anxiety. Don’t be hard on yourself and don’t believe the things you keep telling yourself. Try and Fill your head with positive thoughts. Don’t be hard on your husband, I think in a way, he’s protecting you from judgement.
There is a season for everything! Embrace who you are unapologetically and do what you can, you know what you need to work on so do that. You can’t be everything to everyone just be yourself and the rest will happen. Ask your husband to be considerate and not use you as an excuse for or small talk also, unless he is going to add 5 awesome things about you to the conversation! Seriously though, you are enough and as you overcome your current struggles you will find hidden strengths. Life is interesting and hormones can be difficult so don’t make conclusions about yourself that are environmentally affected.