My husband and I have been married for nearly 20 years and we've never been able to master conflict/resolution. If we have a disagreement (or rather if I disagree with him or question a decision he makes or have a differing opinion) then he goes quiet, withdraws and as much as he can and acts like the wounded party. When I ask if I've done something wrong, he says don't worry about it. He stops all physical contact too. I've come to realise that this is emotional abuse and I'm at my wits end. We can be going ok for a while then in the blink of an eye his mood changes following a conversation or issue with the kids and he's checked out. Today, I didn't want to come home when I knew he was there and was glad the kids were home when I got there. We've seen a counsellor and he stared him down when he said something he didn't agree with and won't go back to counselling again. A large part of me wants to split up but my main concern is my kids and how they'd cope and also funding it as I don't have much of a part time job. When all is ok we get on well, although more as friends than partners but when these issues happen it's very hurtful and distressing. I've tried to talk to him about it over the years but he spins it around to him or blames himself to manipulate me into saying he isn't the bad one and having me take the blame. As much as possible I don't talk about contentious issues with him but sometimes they can't be avoided. I've really had enough. Any advice would be appreciated please.
4 Replies
Does he react like that to control you? Or is that his reaction to conflict... To withdraw? It's a very common reaction to withdraw. If I'm upset and withdraw I don't touch my husband either. And if he tries to talk I will say don't worry about it too because I'm trying to get control of my emotions and talking about it isn't what I need. That's not abuse. When I'm in control of my emotions, then I come out of my shell. On the other hand, if I withheld affection to punish and get my way, that would be emotional manipulation. If that's the case, take back control and you might break the cycle. Don't try to touch him and don't react to him withdrawing. Get on with your day. If it doesn't work, he'll need to find another way to resolve the issue and change his behaviour pattern. He may try to make his emotional withdrawal more obvious or drawn out initially though. My only thought is that if he is a particularly vindictive or narcissistic person and this is very deliberate, taking away his power could prompt him to become physically aggressive. You know him and will know whether you would be putting yourself in danger.
Well it's happened again today. He wants to confront someone over something not fair with our child and I said sure, go and talk to them but I don't need to be there. I was completely fine with him having the conversation but I don't feel the need to be there as in the scheme of life it is a trivial matter. So he withdraws again, and I can tell he's simmering and angry with me. Why? Because I don't agree with him. When he brought up that I used to try to stop him in years gone by so that's what he thinks I am doing, I reminded him I am not the same person I once was. He doesn't listen to me and my perspective, I have to hear his and if I don't agree, then I haven't heard his perspective. I'm a bit more prepared this time so I'm not going to pander to it and see where it goes. I need to get to the point where his anger, disapproval and withdrawing when I don't agree doesn't get to me.
Get your own counselling. Start living your life like he isn’t even there. Practise being single. Speak to Centrelink. Make a plan. Start saving some money in a new account at a different bank. Store stuff at a friend’s place if he’s likely to go snooping. Don’t underestimate his reactions, this man sounds like a pressure cooking. Stay safe my friend xx
I am seeing a counsellor and quite often I do live like I'm on my own. He often works long hours so those times and after he goes to bed are my peaceful times. I don't think he'd physically hurt me, more the anger, disapproval, withdrawal and looks to let me know that I've hurt him and I'm at fault for not agreeing with him. Thanks for your advice, it is appreciated.