Hi Everyone my 15year old daughter refuses to go to school she is in year 10. I have tried everything from grounding her and taking phone to which she ran away from home twice for up to 2 weeks. Taking her to police station to be told by police that if she doesn't want to go i cant make her and i cant force her to do anything as well as touch her in a forceful way (physically putting her in car etc) talking to school, taking her to the Doctors and getting a referral for counseling which she attended the first session then refused to go back saying it was stupid and she didn't need to go. I have sat and talked to her i have told her the consequences of her not going to school and how it can impact her whole life. We do actually have quite a good relationship not that it sounds like it but when it comes to school she just flat out refuses or if i get her to go she will leave half way through the day. She has good friends etc no bullying etc her reasoning is she hates school and the teachers are stupid!! I'm at my wits end and don't know what to do
17 Replies
Maybe say it’s school or a job?
Would she be interested in a tafe course instead? Does she have any long term views of what she wants to do as a career?
Offer her to go to another school?
Unfortunately we are in a rural area and there is only one high school and being on a single wage as I am a single mother and have two other teenage children I can't afford boarding school etc
U can do a year 10 equivalent thru distance tafe/ online if she is motivated enough
U can do a year 10 equivalent thru distance tafe/ online if she is motivated enough
Ask the police how you can get her to school seeing as it’s illegal for them not to attend and you’ll be fined if she doesn’t go. Ask them how it actually works. Say to them “it’s a legal requirement by government to get my child to attend school until she is 17 years of age, you’re saying I can’t force her to go, the government and the law have practically taken away all my parental rights to punish my child for being disobedient and a little shit and you are saying you can’t do a thing about it? If the law can’t make my child go to school then how can the government fine me if she refuses to go to school?” If she won’t go to school and your legally required to support her until she’s 25 I’d start feeding her bread, butter, cheese and apples and not buying any internet credit for her phone, taking away her wifi access from home and telling her to stay in her room and not use any electricity other than her light. You can always lock doors and keep her there. If she doesn’t have a phone or electricity then she can’t contact friends and police if she does contact the police tell them you’re done with her and she’s there’s now because she refuses to go to school, get a job and plans on being a dole bludger all her life and you raised her better than that and she just won’t do anything and seeing as they’ve told you it’s illegal for you to force her to go she’s now their responsibility so they may as well send her to juvenile detention because that’s where she’s gonna end up in the end” you say you have a generally good relationship with her, her school refusal and running away says otherwise. Kids that are good kids don’t run away from home when given an ultimatum. Was she smacked as a child?? Disciplined well etc (just asking so I know what to avoid doing so when my own child hits 15 I don’t have this issue) no I’m not making light of this ladies situation but I’ve noticed a trend of school and job refusal or any attempts for teens to make something of themselves within my friend/family circle and I’m seriously trying to avoid it happening to myself. Getting as much data as possible ten years prior seems to be more useful than not. Have you sat her down and asked her what she plans to do in the future with her life? Tell her you support her because your her mum, but you only plan on giving her the bare minimum until she starts giving you more. Ie going to school, doing her homework, if she lives with you do you have a relative or another parent if you aren’t living together or together any more that she can go and live with instead?? If my child did decide to act like your child I would be sending her to a remote boarding school or town where if she has no money then she can’t leave kind of thing. With the only way she can return to live with you is if she has a plan for the future, promises to finish her high school education and she can prove that she means it. You could also always offer her a monetary reward for completing school. Ie finish school and I’ll buy your first car etc you are in a seriously tough situation and I hope you can find a way to sort it out.
We as a family have gone through quite a lot my father died 2 yrs ago so her grandfather who she loved dearly and a year ago I found out her dad had been having an affair and he left and doesn't really have much contact as he lives in a different state now. Just recently she received a message from him on messenger with a photo of a baby saying welcome your sister into the world which totally broke her heart. We do have a great relationship when she gets what she wants I suppose you could say but is also a very caring loving girl who will clean the house etc if I am at work. I have always worked as her father as well. We have never received government payments so it's not like she has learnt this behaviour. When she ran away twice it was a few months after her father left and we had argued both times about her schooling etc so she took off. I have tried taking her phone etc but trying to get a phone off a teenager is rather impossible without it getting physical if she refuses to hand it over. She has been disciplined her whole life and I have never had a problem with her before her father left. On my own now with three teenage children and working full-time I think maybe she is somewhat taking the Mickey I'm not sure she went through slot of depression not long ago I was worried about her mental health as why I took her to doctors and counseling I'm just at the end of the road with what to do. As for locking her in the house etc she's not a horrible child like I said she helps around house etc but she just won't go to school.
She needs her mum. Her grandpa left, then her dad. The poor kid needs therapy and loads of love 💕
I went through similar in 10th grade, I had so much shit going on at home, in my personal life (some of that typical teenage stuff but nonetheless), a lot of this stuff I didn't even know how to articulate at the time. It's just taken years of reflection to look back and understand that everything that was going on was wreaking havoc on my mental heath - I was most likely depressed and suffering anxiety to some degree, though it was much less openly talked about back then so there was a certain aspect of isolation too.
I can honestly say, this is not one of those situations where you want to fight fire with fire, the thing with teenagers is the harder you push them the harder they're going to resist.
You need to work together, compromise, that's going to mean you both gotta give a little!
She needs to be given some choices, aka, you've got to do something. Being a bum isn't an option, there's online or home schooling, tafe, a job etc.
She also needs some realities.
It's really hard to come back if you drop out.
You're going to experience shit scenarios with dumb people, you have to learn to cope with that. You can't just quit every time things get a bit hard.
It really sounds like she needs some goals (probably short term ones to begin with), a sense of purpose, some coping strategies and some councelling to help deal with the huge deal she's copped of late.
If you’re receiving FTB and Centrelink find out she doesn’t go to school they will make you pay it all back . Been there 😓
You need to explain to her that just not going is not a choice. Life costs money, if shes finished with school welcome to the real world. Centrelink is cut off, and living is expensive. Set out how much she will contribute. Start making her pay for all of her own comforts to open her eyes and she can also contribute to household running, board and groceries.
Make it expensive enough for her to realise a retail job wont cover much.
Speak to her about that, how much different jobs pay and what she would like to do and pathways.
Try and get her into some courses outside of school or possibly a traineeship in retail or at maccas or something. There are other ways she get further herself in life. My daughter has left at 15 and is working and doing well. Dont push it try and find other avenues for her and support her.
If you’re in Central QLD we have
Alternative Learning Spaces - run via Capricornia School of Distance Education - flexible learning environment - reduced hours and still working towards QCE points, Tafe courses, certificate courses. Basic Literacy and Numeracy are the focus. Life skills. Job ready. Employment encouraged.
I would be saying that's fine if you don't want to go to school but we don't do nothing in this house. She either for a to tafe or works to pay hee way. She might be able to find an apprenticeship or something. Get her working anywhere. She pays you board and a share of bills and food. Don't just let her work and all.of a sudden be getting money. She'll think it's great. Explain how the hard it is adulting and if she wants to you're happy to support her but she needs to pay her way.
I work a lot with teenagers, mostly who are homeless or who have experienced homelessness, and many who are disengaged with education.
One of my experiences with them is that often the more forcefully you push the more they will dig their heels in.
I don’t buy the schools stupid excuse... I reckon there’s something more to it than that. Social non conformity, not seeing her peers every day, getting told by police and parents... Is there anything else that could be going on? Social anxiety or other developing mental illness, identity issues or self esteem, lack of intellectual confidence, problematic relationships with teachers, hidden bullying etc? Is she likely to express any of those things to you?
Counselling can be pretty formal and daunting for teens. Might want to look in to a website called Headspace, youth mental health service. They do have some info and advice on approaching these topics.
Are there any extra curricular activities at the school that she would be interested in? That’s may be a way to get her back engaged with the school environment, as a small step. Does the school do a flexible learning options program? Many schools do this, where they negotiate a learning plan with a student, I.e. initially reduced hours or combined with vocational studies instead. Could you look at getting her involved with a mentor? Can sometimes link im through a school or council.
The doom and gloom approach can be hard to work, because their brains just aren’t wired that way yet, they can’t properly foresee how the future may play out and the consequences of their decisions at this age. Approaching it with negotiation, tapping in to their interests or goals, and making learning meaningful and something that they actually want to participate in, rather than a forced approach will lead to much better outcome.
I work a lot with teenagers, mostly who are homeless or who have experienced homelessness, and many who are disengaged with education.
One of my experiences with them is that often the more forcefully you push the more they will dig their heels in.
I don’t buy the schools stupid excuse... I reckon there’s something more to it than that. Social non conformity, not seeing her peers every day, getting told by police and parents... Is there anything else that could be going on? Social anxiety or other developing mental illness, identity issues or self esteem, lack of intellectual confidence, problematic relationships with teachers, hidden bullying etc? Is she likely to express any of those things to you?
Counselling can be pretty formal and daunting for teens. Might want to look in to a website called Headspace, youth mental health service. They do have some info and advice on approaching these topics.
Are there any extra curricular activities at the school that she would be interested in? That’s may be a way to get her back engaged with the school environment, as a small step. Does the school do a flexible learning options program? Many schools do this, where they negotiate a learning plan with a student, I.e. initially reduced hours or combined with vocational studies instead. Could you look at getting her involved with a mentor? Can sometimes link im through a school or council.
The doom and gloom approach can be hard to work, because their brains just aren’t wired that way yet, they can’t properly foresee how the future may play out and the consequences of their decisions at this age. Approaching it with negotiation, tapping in to their interests or goals, and making learning meaningful and something that they actually want to participate in, rather than a forced approach will lead to much better outcome.