Where have I gone wrong?!?! I love my kids with all my heart but they are absolutely terrible!! They are 8 & 10. They, for some reason, hate each other with a passion and I have no idea why? They are both treated exactly the same and get everything equally. They no joke fight from the second they wake up to the second they go to bed. At school, in the car, someone's house, at the shops, doesn't matter where we are they fight. I'm talking punching, kicking, biting, scratching, swearing! They're vicious! And if something doesn't go their way, or if they're toy or whatever doesn't work, they INSTANTLY go psycho! For instance, if they ask for a frozen coke after school and I really nicely say, not today hey we got one yesterday, well they loose their shit! Screaming, swearing, beating the crap out of each other, swearing at me, then they start destroying things. Kicking the windows in the car, kicking the seats or if we're at home they rip things up, put holes in the wall, smash toys! They even do it at my mothers house or my sisters house, they don't care where they are! They even start attacking they're cousins for no reason. I seriously can't take them anywhere! All their cousins never want to come over now and I spend all my time trying to work things out like, I can't do that with everyone coz or we can't go they're coz or I need to hide that coz or if I get that I'll have to get another one coz! It's just tearing me down! My whole family says that their kids are naughty but then they'll say, oh but not as naughty as yours (I don't blame them). I have tried everything! I mean everything! Time out, yelling, smacks, bribery, taking things off them, not letting them go places etc. I admit I'm a lot softer than their father is as he won't take their shit at all but he's never home. I've taken them to 3 different doctors and they all said the same, there's nothing "wrong " with them they're just naughty. And they're no where near spoilt nor have they ever been. They don't get anything more than the next kid. I just don't know what to do anymore!! I just give up! I'm so over crying my self to sleep every night! I can't handle it anymore!
11 Replies
U need to take them both to a child psychologist and maybe do the Triple P parenting course online. My boys fight alot too but def not like that. Good luck Mumma!
I’d be demanding a referral for a peadiatrician and psychologist. This is not normal behaviour. And you and te kids need help on how to change this wether it’s diagnosis worthy or not!
Hate to be the one to ask this, but is Dad too harsh? Is he abusive to you in front of the kids? Does anyone else treat them differently. It sounds like they have built up anger and it doesn't take much to explode. It's coming from somewhere. If they are scared of Dad and unable to express themselves when he's around then it will all build up till he's gone and all come out. Stress does it too. If this really is not the problem then I would think it is only one of them with the problem and the other has learnt the behaviour. Next school holidays try separating them, send one to a family member (if possible!) for a week then swap for the other one. This should give you an idea of which child is worse than the other, it would be hard to see that now when they are always together. Then go to a different Dr, you may be taken more seriously when you only take one child in instead of both of them.
This is good advice! 👌🏼
Time to toughen I feel. You said you were softer than dad... your the soft touch and they know it!
Time to set the clear boundaries and really stick to them. It’s exhausting, it’s frustrating and it’s mentally tough! But, you need to try it and implement it for longer.
Nothing else is working and I think it’s because your soft or lenient and they know if they keep pushing, you’ll cave.
I was completely on your side (and still am) But when I saw that you said you were softer than dad, it made me see why your struggling.
Implement some “super nanny” tactics that Joe frost uses and you’ll see improvement...slowly but it will happen
I also think they might see that you’re struggling. Come up with your plan of attack, your boundaries and your rules, and stick at them for at least a month before you give up. The first two weeks will be hard but they’ll get the idea after that. Don’t cave!
I’d completely stop any frozen cokes or any time of luxury/treat... they are old enough to understand if they can’t do the right thing or their behaviour is shot poor, they won’t get anything.
Do they have much screen time? How do they behave at school? Are they better behaved when they aren’t together?
Is it possible to start separating them at every chance you can? I know my kids get sick to death of each other and I literally send them to opposite ends of the house, don’t let them bath/shower together. And some nights when they are really terrible, don’t even let them eat dinner together. It’s tough work, but they might need to be separated until your rules and boundaries are firmly in place.
I still wouldn’t rule anything out and would be seeing another GP or phych. I think another person mentioned that one of them might be the one with something more deeper going on, and bringing the other down with them. I think if this is the case, you’d have more of an idea anyway so you’d push more info across about that child and focus on him, when you see your GP
Frozen coke... caffeine and sugar.
Well take that out of their diets immediately.
You need to set rules and stick to them. No giving in. It will be tough for a while but it will be worth it.
Get a referral to a pediatrician. Keep a diary of their actions and how you handle it.
Try a fish oil supplement and magnesium. It might take 6-8 weeks to see a noticable difference and is not a fix all but worth a try. There was a section of it on the Robert Winsome doco A Child Of Our Times a few years back.
Have you tried positive reinforcements at all? Done properly this can really work as it forces the child/ren to focus on doing and practicing GOOD behaviors. For it to really work you need to figure out what each childs most favourite things is (such as video games? Or iPad? Etc), they ONLY get to have those things when they can successfully do "X" (such as not swear all week, or not punch anything etc and you move on to other behaviours youd like to improve once you feel they have a hold of the previously poor behaviour). Remember behaviour is a way of getting or avoiding what we do or dont want. I'd also be making a rule that if anyone does something upsetting to someone else, then they need to think of something nice for that person to make up for it. I'd be calling a behavioural psych to help and do it pretty soon while they're still young. Good luck (I hope you're getting some help for you to cope too)!
Tell the other parent to be more present and you both do some parenting courses
My suggestion would be trying to schedule some regular one on one time with each of them. Maybe they are needing some individual attention? It might help for them to have some time apart, also, it might help you to enjoy time with your kids if you can hang out with each of them without having to break up fights. Something it sounds like you need! Good luck, I hope things improve x