Ok so, around April my husband and i sent our eldest son down for a 4 day visit to see his grandparents on his father's side. The relationship between my mil had been strained and awkward for a while and I never understood why... every time we would visit them, around the third day she would be in a mood and I felt it was directed at me. She would often do big sighs and sulk away, or mutter under her breath when I'd discipline my children especially my eldest in the form of time out. This would annoy the shit out of me but I chose to ignore it. Fast forward to just after our son comes home she comes back home with us and spends a further 4 days at our place ( we live rural) on the last day, she turns to me while my husband is at work and tells me she's never coming back because I stress HER out! That I'm never smiling, always yelling at the kids, I never look happy, i RESENT my boys and she feels sorry for them. She also threw in there that I was the reason my husband was always so stressed out and that getting him to do a load of his work clothes from time to time and helping out with general housework was too much and there isn't enough hours in the day for all the things I apparently expect him to do Hearing all this was a huge shock and hurt me alot. Naturally I balled. Not even a month before I was thinking my boys were better without me and had constant thoughts of killing myself. Thank God I had recognised this and sought help. ( i have a history of depression) I stammered out what I could trying to defend myself but I was so hurt and upset not much came out. Anyway after I dropped her off (2 hour drive) in silence I came home and told my husband what was said, he looked shocked and tried to reassure me. Fast forward to now and his mum wants my eldest to go down for another visit. I have flat out said NO and that because she made me feel like the biggest piece of shit she no longer gets that privilege. Hubby thinks I'm being bitter and the only person missing out is my son. I feel so conflicted. I honestly dont think she deserves something so special if she cant treat her DIL so horribly. At no point has she made the effort to apologize, and she acts like it never happened. I think she thinks she had every right to say something so I don't think she'd ever apologize for what was said. Am i wrong? Should i send my son down or hold my ground? She also calls my son HER little man which really annoys me and always asks HIM when hes going to come down for another holiday.. this makes it hard because he is always asking about it and i simply cant give him an answer..
30 Replies
I would say no.
Yes, grandparents are important... but mums are more important. If she can’t treat you with respect then how will she treat your son..?
Big no from me.
Tell your husband she needs to make amends and be respectful to you. Seems theres no relationship to try to remake, but nobody wants to send their child to someone that cant have a decent relationship with their parent.
I'm also in the situation where they seen to think they can judge me and still have a relationship with the child. Putting the guilt on you for ' the child missing out is part of their act.
I think as long as your expectation of them is nothing more than being civil polite and respectful about you, then having your boy go to their house is still a great thing for you all and will help lower stress levels in the house.
Did your husband ever say anything to his mum? Pull her up on her behaviour? If noones pulled her up she's not going to have any remorse and may even think your husband agrees. I think that issue needs to be resolved before sending your son back down there and in my opinion it's your husbands job to do that
No he never said anything to his mum, nor has he pulled her up. She said all of this when he was at work and I wouldn't expect him to as he wasn't there. While I would absolutely say something had it been my mother, we were bought up very differently and he already feels like he's in a very hard place. This hurts a bit but I understand where he is coming from. I think this is between me and his mum, he is simply on the sideline.
That's where I disagree with you. I absolutely think it's your husbands job to support and defend you to his family. By saying nothing he's basically ageeeing with his mother. I don't think you saying anything further to her is going to achieve anything, it will probably just cement her opinion
Yeah I agree, that’s a bit weak on his part. She’s the one slinging shit not you. He should at least ask her about it and tell her it’s upset you and therefore it’s upset him
Write her a letter and rewrite it without the extra emotion.
Put in there. That she came to your home and she abused you. That first of all will not be tolerated. Explain that you love your children and do not resent them etc and that she makes you nervous etc which is why you yell at your kids because you don’t want her to think they are out of control etc my MIL makes me nervous as hell. Like super nervous I can barely talk. I know she’s not fond of me but meh I can’t do anything about it. Also photo copy the letter just in case she tries to tell everyone you said something you didn’t. Good Luck!!
Yes a letter is perfect. I’ve done this with my MIL before and it solved a lot of issues
Your husband really needs to speak to her and tell her she needs to make amends before your son goes back to visit.
She doesn’t get to come into your house, rip you to shreds and then leave. Thinking it will all be smoothed over for the next time she’d like something. No fucking way.
I’d be standing my ground until the cows come home. So angry for you.
Going against the grain a little, but is there any truth in what she said? Her delivery wasn’t good and it should have come from a place of concern....I’ve noticed you’re struggling, are you okay, you don’t seem to be enjoying motherhood? Is there anything the family can do to help? Sometimes oldies can lack tact, but maybe you need to consider what she said? Maybe she’s looking out for her grand kids and thinks this is the best way to do it? Maybe you need to have a heart to heart with her, does she know and understand about your depression? Sometimes it takes an outsider to shake us up and realise what’s going on in our life.
Completely agree with this!
While it sounds like MIL went a bit into ambush mode (which was wrong), I agree that maybe she was just concerned.
I also am strongly of the opinion that children shouldn't suffer because of adult issues.
If your son has a close relationship with his grandmother and his wellbeing isn't being compromised by being in her care, I actually agree that this wouldn't be fair on your son.
The 'my boy' comment - I would suggest you try to not let it bother you as irritating as it can be. My MIL and son have similar names, she would say we named him after her and it cemented their bond blah blah, it used to piss me off so bad but I just thought one day "you know what, I'm just gonna let you have this one".
For a very long time I have felt very unwelcome by this woman, even in my own home . She would often sigh if I wanted to come along with MY husband and MY children and inlaws to the beach or park. We see her about 14 days total out of the year and when they visit I try to make everyone comfortable so naturally I'm a little stressed. On top of that my eldest especially like to push the boundaries and try to get away with and so things he usually isn't allowed to do so of course I probably seem like I'm cross or in a bad mood. On top of that I have never yelled at the kids while she's there to try and keep things pleasant yet she turns around and says I do..this woman barely knows me and my children she hardly sees us because of our situation yet thinks she has a right to say something.. IF and this is a very big if, she saw us more often and had a better relationship with us all, she might have a right to say something but considering our personal situation, I think she was very much over the line.
Maybe she is resentful she only sees her son and grand children 14 days a year, that’s pretty sad, I know if it were me and my son/grand kids, I would be devastated. Maybe she blames you for not seeing them? I’m sure it’s not because of you so maybe you could explain to her why she has to visit and you guys don’t make an effort to see her? She judges you on 14 days because that’s all she’s got. If you saw each other all the time, she would see the good days that balance out the bad days and it’s incredibly unfair to judge you on that 14 days only, but that’s all she’s got I guess. I would try to build something with her because your kids only seeing grandma 14 days a year means they are really missing out. Maybe see past this abuse and find a way to involve her more in your life? Obviously I don’t know the ins and outs of everything and where you all live, just giving an alternative perspective on the situation.
I have to ask, what the personal situation that stops you from seeing her? That could have a lot to do with her attitude.
We're 7 hours drive away. In a very remote area. So visiting often isn't an option..
Not totally disagreeing with you, but 14 days is not the end of the world. I saw my grandparents about three times a year, usually 3-4 days on or near to Xmas, 3-4 days in June and the occasional whole family get together a couple of weekends a year. My mum was one of 7 and spread across three states, it is a BIG family. We had letters, phone calls and i would consider myself very close to my grandparents. I don’t think grandparent relationships are solely dependent on the number of visits per year. 14 days works out to be slightly more than once a month on average, which is a decent amount when you consider that most families have two working parents, sports, hobbies, friends, their own family time, both sides extended family etc.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, but not every family is/wants/needs grandparents involved in nuclear family day to day life.
We live 7 hours drive away from them. It used to be 10..my husband works full time and we only usually have people visiting during the colder months because it is just too hot during summer.
Can you go visit them? I have interstate family and we try to share the load, take it in turns visiting, so no one shoulders the entire financial responsibility. Even if you go once a year and they come to you once a year, she would probably feel more involved in your lives, plus you making the effort to see them would probably mean a lot.
We would often go twice a year.. staying for a full week. On our holidays... and I was often the one to suggest we visit them
Victim blaming hey!?!
Someone who you have a strained relationship with, who is attacking you and your parenting, is not a person you can trust and want to open up to....
I’m sure the OP has her own family, friends and therapist to talk to
I would tell your husband that MIL is welcome to come and visit (not stay) the family as a whole, however, there is no need for MIL to have unsupervised access to your children, especially when she blatantly disrespects and dislikes the parents of these children.
I would also make it clear to your husband that an apology now is too little too late (it would be meaningless and probably only said to get access to the children) but perhaps over time (years) MIL may earn back unsupervised contact with consistent good behaviour.
Also, i would implement a new rule:
Anyone who tries to make plans with my minor child without getting it approved by me gets an automatic no. My kids know this, my family knows this.
It works with friends and playdates, family and overstepping boundaries, etc. But basically, i refuse to look like the bad guy and have my kids upset with me when they are unwittingly being manipulated by adults who know better.
The problem is your husband to be honest. No way should he have not addressed this. And until she respects you as a parent, I wouldn't be letting her near my kids without me around. Your husband needs to explain that what she said was ill informed and incorrect and that if she does have concerns, she should be asking him if you're OK and whether she can help and until she can repair the relationship with your family, things will be hard.
You're doing the right thing.
Sounds like you have a justnomil (google it, I think you will find it very helpful going forward). Do not send your son until you have resolved this and YOU are happy and comfortable with the outcome. God knows what she will say to your son if he is alone with her. No unsupervised contact. Your husband needs to address this with her and she needs to give you a proper apology. No more visits to your house if you are not comfortable with her. Your house is your sanctuary and she causes you nothing but stress. She is a rude bitch and needs to pull herself into line. I think you need to call her out on her behaviour if tour husband refuses to. Maybe by text?
Yes!!! This!!
I don’t think you’re being bitter. I feel the same. The kids are mine and I choose who gets to have the privilege of knowing them. They’re kids. They’ll be fine. It sounds childish but if she can’t respect you and act like an adult then why should she get the golden ticket (the kids). I’m sick of people getting away with shitty behaviour and I have to just accept it. Do what YOU want with YOUR children. If she has any decency then she’ll realise how rude she’s been. It’s none of her business how you disciple your own kids.
You have a Narcissist Mother in law on your hands here unfortunately. She is the Queen Bee and nothing you do or say will ever be good enough and everything must be done her way and everyone must pander to her every whim.
**please research it**
What she did was absolute BS and you didn't deserve it and to stop the toxic cycle you can't let your children be in her care alone without you there. Especially since your Husband hasn't said anything to pull her up on her shite behavior.
He needs to acknowledge what she did is not on, especially not in your own home. And is not to be repeated. He is the one to deal with his family, like you deal with yours. And tell your Husband to tell her not to talk to your son about holidays that is between the adults. Those mind games can mess the grand kids up. And does she only have the eldest over for visits? And not the other grand kids? Does she play favourites a lot? It's very common for Narcs to have a Golden Child and a scape goat.
Keep your foot firmly planted down, or she will walk all over you an continue to abuse you.
And I suggest building a granny flat for her at the furthest edge of your property if she has to come visit.
If she wants to visit she can get herself to your house and do it there. I am over hearing how grandparents can treat you(son in law/ DIL) and it’s apparently okay. Abusive toxic people are never okay!
Don’t have her in your home, and don’t stay in her home. If it was already strained, why put yourself in that position??? I know how it feels to be judged and made to feel inadequate around a bitch of a MIL. She’s an ex-MIL now and my kids have no interest in having a relationship with her. But then again, my ex has nothing to do with her either. He finally had enough of her controlling ways. She’s a narcissistic manipulative martyr
If hubby wants to do all the arrangements and running around to get your son to granny’s then sure go for it, but don’t think you have to eat humble pie and see this bitch of a woman. She’s made it pretty clear where she stands and what she thinks, and no she’s not entitled to her ‘opinion’ as to how you parent or the relationship you have with your husband!
And if, your son comes home and she’s been trash talking you, then don’t send him again. She sounds like she’s got issues. Take yourself off to a counselor and build your confidence back up. Believe in yourself again
You and your partner need to get on the same page and he needs to be supporting you. How would he feel if any of your family members said those things to him? I bet they would be cut off and you would be expected to take his side.
I feel exactly the same as you. I would not be having her in my house and she would not be getting visits. If your husband wants her to still have visits, then he goes too but never let your child go alone.
If anything were to happen with either Inlaws, I have my partners back and he has mine. We will always back each other, otherwise it is not a partnership. Our family consists my partner, myself and our son. Everyone else is extended family and only get to be in our lives if we are both respected